Posted by Daisym on May 15, 2009, at 1:14:24
In reply to Re: Is this the end of therapy? Long » Daisym, posted by mollieQ on May 13, 2009, at 13:48:35
Is there a way to wrestle with this that doesn't create those feelings of fragmenting? We tried to talk about this a little today - and we have touched on it before. He tells me that lots of people come to therapy for ongoing support and to work on all kinds of aspects of themselves. I tried to tell him that I realize that he will be open to continuing therapy as long as I want to, but I can't see allowing myself this. If I feel better and am doing well, how can I justify taking up a spot that someone else needs? I barely feel "entitled" to all this angst now -- to which my therapist responds, "wow, I hear your mother loud and clear here."
The truth is - if I raise this - about the connection and the wounded parts -- won't he then begin to watch for this as well? And will he pull back from the wounded parts? And as I type this, I realize that those wounded parts are terrified of being shunted aside again, of having to give room to the super-executive and mom who presents a stellar outer image to the world. Because it isn't only a hard-fought war for the connection, it has been a bloody battle to even allow those parts any room to feel, remember and tell. Especially to tell. These parts still need and want this deep connection and those needs feel giant and shameful. So the healthy parts wants to smother them, to let pride and appearance win out and be funny, and easy and "fine."
*sigh* I thought I was done with this struggle and here we are again. No wonder he is sick of it.
And I'll think about what you said about his hurt feelings. I have felt a powerful urge to fight with him on and off the past few months. I tell him about this urge because he never gives me anything to push against. I end up fighting against myself and that isn't satisfying at all. Which is the point, I suppose.
Thanks for the support. I'm sorry that you struggle with this too. I'm telling ya, it was easier to be unconscious and less self-aware!
poster:Daisym
thread:895460
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895881.html