Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 21, 2009, at 22:04:13
Sorry, blipped off the board (again) for several days there...
So, my T is trying to help. She is responding to my desperate, overwhelmed cry for help. She cares about me. I know that. However...
AAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! I was not ready for that. I think she offered some structure so that I could "survive" in between our sessions. I need that. I appreciate that. The small intellectual part of my brain totally gets it.
So, why did I react like she was totally rejecting me! OMG!!! It was (is) so BAD. I don't know if I can recover, really. She says she's not rushing me, but I feel like something happened too fast. I just entered this incredibly child-like space with her where I got way too attached I think. Everything HURTS. I suspect everything. I feel so alone. She is not available enough for me while I'm in this state.
So, she is trying to teach me to care for myself when we are apart and to feel like I have resources. But, but, but, WAIT!!! I only want her. I only need her. I'm not ready to be there for myself. She says it's not about separation, but it sure FEELS that way. I can't tell if I'm pissed off or totally devastated.
I feel so infantile. I feel like only she can care for my primal needs right now. Only she can't (limits and limitations, of course).
And she told me we need to just take a deep breath and slow waaaaayyyyy down. Well, that felt like she said You Need To Calm Down, Back Down, Need Less, Be Less, Demand Less. You Are Just Too Much For Me.
Ugh. This is so, so, so hard. Why can't I just *really* hear what she is really saying? What *is* she really saying? Can I trust her? Can I even face her again?
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:902530
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/902530.html