Posted by tabitha on June 22, 2002, at 2:40:49
Hi all,
My meds have been pretty much pooping out over the past few months (AD + mood stabiliser combo for BP2, I've been stable for a couple years on this paritcular combo). As I keep noticing, many things in life are better with less effect from the meds-- mentally and physically I just feel better most of the time, the only problem is (of course) the increased ups and downs.
So I'd kind of decided to stay in the under-medicated state, and just try harder to cope with the ups and downs. As long as I can do my job, don't do anything too self-destructive, and don't get suicidal I thought I'd rather deal with the moods the hard way.
Then a week ago I was crashing, and thinking suicidal thoughts, and suicide seemed like a really logical option since I was convinced my life was a total failure. This was triggered by a disappointment at work (got a bad office assignment) I made a doctor's appt, but couldn't get in for 3 weeks, and didn't push for an emergency session. In the meantime the office thing got resolved in my favor, and I'm back up to a little above baseline.
I'm feeling things more vividly, both good and bad. I miss my family and the mideast where I come from. I'm extra productive at work. My loneliness is more intense. I crave alcohol. Working in the garden is intensely interesting and satisfying. I've become interested in sex for the first time in years. I feel like myself again. But honestly I'm afraid I'm at risk of sudden suicidal impulses or out of control hypomania and doing impulsive things with bad consequences.
There just doesn't seem to be a med combo that just takes the edges off without flattening out my very being. So I don't know what I'm going to do at the doctor's. I'm so conflicted. Why can't there be pills you only take when you start to feel too high or too low? I don't think my doctor will have a good option for me. I don't know if it's him or the state of medicine. It seems pointless to go in, pay the $110 for the 15 minutes, when I expect it will be useless.
But it seems wrong to just keep going like I am. My mother killed herself and since then I feel my most important task in life is to NOT kill myself. And when the meds are working, suicidal thoughts go away (along with so much else that makes life worth living). Terrible irony here! I honestly don't know if it's "safe" to be in a state where I have such thoughts, or if I'm putting myself at risk.
Thanks for listening. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
-tabitha
P.S. I am not really looking for specific medication advice, which is why I didn't put this on PB.
poster:tabitha
thread:25571
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020616/msgs/25571.html