Posted by wendy b. on May 19, 2003, at 21:10:52
In reply to Re: I can believe how bad you feel » wendy b., posted by Dinah on May 19, 2003, at 16:15:45
Dinah:
> Yes, I too buy the precut fruit. It seems wasteful on the surface, but since most of the uncut fruit ends up getting thrown away I'm pretty sure the cost evens out. And the pineapple is my favorite. Sometimes I can't quite believe how lazy I am. Can't cut and peel an apple for heavens sake.
Well, you know, sometimes that's just how we're feeling. We don't want to be like that, but it won't last forever, and beating ourselves up won't help. I think I'm lazy, but the simple food ideas really get me through sometimes. So, the h__ with it... I can't be perfect.
Likewise with the following:
> And my mood is still appalling. Today, for the first time ever, I yelled at my son. I have never done that - ever, and I didn't mean to this time.Wow, Dinah. You have NEVER yelled at your son? That's amazing. How many parents can truly say they've never done this? (Any parents out there want to comment??)
If you aren't allowed to get upset, and *work through* your anger or frustration, and show your son that yes, Mommy's a person too (remind him of his own frustrations, kids have so many of them), then what you're saying, unconsciously, is that the whole gamut of emotions is not acceptable. Only the good ones are. That's not what you're trying to say, but the picture is painted for him in any case.
And Mommy isn't usually like this, but sometimes it's going to happen (I can't believe you've held it inside for so long), and then Mommy will feel better, and she will say sorry, and mean it, and show her boy that:
1) it's OK, and 2) it's a normal reaction to stress, 3) it can be worked through, and 4) we can come out the other side of the situation being stronger for it. Life: It's a Wild Ride.
Seriously, he needs a positive example, and you can show it to him. No one *enjoys* getting in such a state that we start yelling, but we are only human beings, and the struggle to be perfect will only end in disappointment. So it's not good to always want perfection out of ourselves or our loved ones. That creates its own trouble for children...
I read your comments about your therapist, and the trust factor, and when you gear up to telling him you're angry, he doesn't abandon you. So it's somewhat the same: your son may do something that prompts your anger, and you may lose it... but you want him to know you're still the same loving mom underneath everything, that it's not the person you're mad at, it's the behavior. I realize it's not entirely analogous, but the spirit is the same...
>Something needs to be done. What's the use of him having a relatively healthy but very crabby mother?Just tell him some days you're like a crab, and some days you're like a puppy, and some days you're like a kitty. He'll know what you mean... (even if you don't).
I sometimes make clawing gestures and a scrunched-up face, and tell my daughter I'm the Big Bad Mean Mommy Monster. It makes us both laugh, and we feel better. I used to do it more when she was littler, but I can imagine still saying it when she's 20...my best to you, you are way too hard on yourself, be gentler with Dinah,
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:226550
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/227765.html