Posted by ClearSkies on February 1, 2008, at 11:55:25
Pushing forward in the face of crushing anxiety. We've got our second antique show. I hadn't really wanted to do 2 in a row like this, but that's how it turned out. My high-productive energy of the week has translated into high anxiety - have never been able to separate those two into their own bits. So I got a lot done this week, but I'm fairly zinging with racing thoughts and worries.
And this morning, well, we found out our application for another health insurance policy, initiated 6 weeks ago, was denied. Not just having parts excluded, as I was expecting, like prescription, but total denial of coverage. Flummoxed is the word, I think, that describes how I feel, closely followed by panicked, terribly insecure, wanting to flee to the country of my birth so that I can claim the right to health care that has been denied to me in this, my adopted country. There's no recourse that I know of... trying to reapply to the insurer that had covered us previously but why would they extend us coverage now that we've been denied?
I'm not very good at putting things like this aside and getting on with my life. When some catastrophic like this happens, it just consumes me. Plenty of tears. Feeling like an utter failure for just being me, just trying to carry on with my life and going to my regularly scheduled doctors appointments, which are keeping me HEALTHY, for goodness' sakes!! I go to those doctors for maintenance, to keep my blood pressure under control, to keep my depression in check, to make certain I'm cancer free - and for all this vigilance, I'm given the ultimate penalty - denial of coverage.
I'll have to find some corner of my soul to cram this hurt, worry and anxiety into for a few days, to be able to present a relaxed and friendly face to the outer world. I haven't really had to do this before. Where does that fortitude come from, to be able to stuff your panic down where it can't be reached, for hours at a time? Where does that calm exterior come from, when you've been wearing your heart on your sleeve all this time?
CS
poster:ClearSkies
thread:810103
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080130/msgs/810103.html