Posted by BarbaraCat on November 1, 2003, at 14:46:53
In reply to Meth, Brain Damage, Dysfunction and Life, posted by Clayton on October 31, 2003, at 19:04:49
Hello Clayton,
Interesting post. I have moments, hell, years, when I despair of what was lost during my unconscious youth. We think we're going to live forever, or at the least never have to pay the piper. I read an entry from my journal 35 years ago while rushing on meth 'I don't care if I have to give up 10 years of my life. This feeling is worth it!' Of course, those 10 years are now drawing nearer and it was definitely NOT worth it.We can only wonder about our symptoms being the result of burning out our brains or whether we'd get it anyway or to what extent. Looking at my father's violent/depressive legacy I don't think I would have escaped. No question that I added insult to injury and suffered biological damage by the stupid things I did. No body is designed to rev that high for that long. But I can't really kick myself too hard. I was a young inexperienced kid always seeking experiences, I was self medicating, and as you mentioned, absolutely in thrall to the most addictive substance I've ever experienced. The fact that you and I were able to crawl out of that pit of craving says alot about us.
Here's what I keep coming back to when I think the damage might be permanent and continuously torturing me. We're living and growing beings, constantly recycling cells. Given the right environment our organs will thrive, even damaged ones. Our neurons regenerated long ago and will continue to do so as long as they're given a fighting chance. Yes, there is brain damage, but that has more to do with tissue death from lack of oxygen than from a chemical assault. Although our drug use was very unhealthy and may have burnt our receptors, they've since adapted and regenerated. I think it's more to do with learning how to express a biological propensity to what society calls 'mood disorder'. I'm positive I got a priceless education in how to have spectacular bipolar mixed states nightmares from bad acid trips. I learned what black depressions feel like from coming down off meth. These things can be unlearned, however, or even better, looked at pragmatically as food for wisdom and empathy. Cells keep dying and being reborn no matter how badly we beat ourselves up. You look at some former 'hopeless' drunks who have survived cirhosis and worse and have gone on to feel, act, and look just great. Life has a way and wants to survive and thrive.
In many ways, I feel that at 52 my brain is finally coming into it's own. I feel clearer and more focussed than ever in my life, I have hope. That's saying alot considering the depths of a very disabling mood disorder which has been one of crushing despair where I thought I could not survive another day. It's taken alot of work and getting into the habit of choosing to treat my brain and body with honor and love. But very gratifying to know that I do have control over what goes into my body - heck, it's the only thing I have any control over at all - and that it's paying off. So please don't chuck it all to some fatalistic belief that there's no hope. As long as you're still drawing breath, there's hope no matter what anyone says. Here's to getting better and better, eh? - Barbara
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:257077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031014/msgs/275535.html