Posted by ClearSkies on August 22, 2005, at 19:51:02
Where to start.
How many slips, how many reminders does it take before sobriety "takes"? I can replay the worst drunk of my life in my head right up to and including the fall out of the bar door and the landing point made by my face. I remember looking for my front teeth with my hands on the icy pavement, laughing hysterically, saying that all the gritty rocks looked like like my teeth. I felt no pain at the time, had no blackout. It is a slow-motion memory that I dream of now and then, when anxiety is high, my front teeth flapping like curtains in an open window. That was my lowest point, and it was years ago.Yet that memory, as vivid as it still is, hasn't been enough to stop me from slipping now and then, and THAT's what stumps me. Because now that I'm on meds, I do black out if I drink, and it doesn't take much. Which makes it scarier, but it hasn't stopped me. Going to AA meetings doesn't inspire or stop me - in fact I find them extremely triggering. I can't tell you how many different meetings, locations, times I have tried, thinking, "it must be me. This is helping everyone else, and I want to run to a liquor store as soon as I get out of here."
I joined a women-only support group, the closest thing to a really good place for me; but the moderator is a really bossy person, sees life in black-and-white, and I see life not only in shades of grey, but in colour, get me? She basically talks about herself for more than half the weekly meeting, then we skim through the rest of the group and we always overrun the time each week. It sucks the very marrow out of me, I have no sponsor, I am still a freakazoid. Also, if you slip and are not actively sober, you're not supposed to go to the meetings (that's what I mean by black and white). There is only 1 other meeting in the entire state, and it is 4 hours away.
So, my continuing whine is this: I already isolate myself because I'm not working. I get extremely anxious in social situations (that I used to self medicate with alcohol), so I have *no* friends IRL who are close by, just my few very special babble friends with whom I've been lucky enough to form close bonds. Unfortunately, these friends live far away. I do get out of the house to work out at the gym, but have not formed any friendships there. I plan to volunteer eventually but I know this is going to take some time for me to work up to.
Where do I go for the support that I am screaming in pain for? What do I do when I am so lonely that I want to get that oblivion, regardless of the depression I know will follow for the next three to seven days? What can keep me clean when these organizations that are supposed to be so helpful cause me such distress? I am writing these questions not really expecting answers. I think I have read just about every book on the subject out there. I am not in denial, I am not saying I don't have a problem - what I'm saying is that I can't find something that works for me, and it hurts.
poster:ClearSkies
thread:545328
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050722/msgs/545328.html