Posted by sorta on January 23, 2006, at 14:43:35
I am now sober 14 months. I use to be a speedballer for roughly 10 months and i smoked meth for a year prior.
I was able to stop smoking meth and have a total bounce back after using for 3 months and then i relapsed and it seemed not as easy to bounce back. I was clean for 5 months on my own total will power in the face of serious obstacles. Then around my birthday i relapsed and stayed on till i found a friend who did heroin and i started shooting up heroin and cocaine
I shot up for 3 months before my mom and sister caught on and i tried to detox on my own and ended up in a facility for a week. (Las Encinas in Pasadena) I left A.M.A and i was committed but the insomnia made me relapse 2 weeks later.
around 5 months later of ins and outs. I found a doctor who started me on Bupernorphine which was great. I also took Seroquel to sleep. I was going to therapy it was fine. I started to gain weight (around 20-30 lbs) from eating a side effect of the seroquel. But i felt better
Because i wasnt thinking and i felt like i now had an easy out for detox. I relapsed and started a cycle of Bupernorphine then Heroin and Cocaine that lasted another month and then Effexor 150 made me feel great but the temptation won out and i spent another 3 months relapsing. I quit cold turkey on Nov 25 2005. My psychiatrist thought i was clean the whole time i relapsed.
I quit and returned to the Effexor i was taking for depression and it seemed ok.
But i was totally gone. I didnt exist anymore. I spent the next 14 months on the internet... and being completely numb. I was given Effexor 300mgs for the first 10months and then switched to wellbutring xl 300 mgs.
Eventually i felt ok being lazy and wasting my life. I use to be a highly driven ambitioug person. Throughout my addiction i earned over 40-50,000 and i was only 22 years old.
Now i am nothing. I am ok being nothing. I feel i am letting my life fall apart.My father got cancer and recovered. I felt nothing. My mothers business burnt to the ground. My grandmother who raised me died. nothing.
My self confidence. My great ambition, any ambition, my drive, my sense of self gone.
Ive found traces of me. But not the hunger and the sense of possibility i once had.its been 14 months i am clean with no desire to return because its been the worst 14 months of my life. I thrived in high pressure situations and now i can spend days online.
I had a great upbringing and have accomplished many great things inluding most of my dreams but it has all fallen apart. and i feel this distant sadness that i cant seem to get up or attempt to fix this.
Does anyone have any ideas reccomendations what to help me save me?
im 26 and i feel like my i gave up on my dreams.
poster:sorta
thread:602108
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20051211/msgs/602108.html