Posted by tecknohed on February 3, 2006, at 17:40:30
I have an addiction. Its not Heroin or crack. Nor is it a benzo or alcohol. Its caffeine.
Let me start by mentioning that I'm a recovering alcoholic 4 years sober after going through intensive rehab including detox, and I also have a long history of heavy amphetamine use as well as issues with the 'party' drugs. Anyone who's abused speed knows what a 'come down' is like. I mean, I 'know' what drug addiction is like.
But this caffeine addiction has really got me by the b#lls big time. Its actually making me lose my mind.
I already take Nardil 75mg/day for my SP, depression & OCD + 500mg/day of Provigil. And when I'm 'caffeine free' I do ok. But I cann't resist it.
When I drink caffeine I innitially get a GOOD high. More than that, it makes me feel totally well again, just like when Nardil first kicked in all by itself. Problem is it also comes with that all too familiar stimulant 'edginess' too.
Within 5 days of continuous caffeine use, it has NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER. In fact, the more I have, the more exhausted I feel. And it dont matter whether I've been using 1g/day or 150mg/day, the results always the same.But the worst part of all is the withdrawal. NEVER have I had withdrawal so bad. Not from anything. It only lasts up to 5 days, though I can rarely hack it that long. Severe depression, with lots of tearfullness & feeling hopeless with suicidal thoughts becoming more regular; total fatigue making me bed-ridden; NIGHTMARES (nasty ones); sweats; my OCD goes through the roof; and on top of this my meds dont help at all.
I constantly loose my temper, I neglect my hygien and my flat becomes a mess. I treat my girlfriend like crap, nagging her and blaming her for stuff.And today I did something awfull. I'd been withdrawing up untill last night when I had enough and had some caffeine. After a liitle sleep this morning I went into town to get some things, etc. I felt edgy but thought I'd first head for Starbucks to 'clear my head'. I ordered a triple espresso and sat down by a window overlooking a canal. I finnished my coffee and as I looked out the window I saw 3 kids, age 15-16 throwing what looked like bricks or large rocks at a swan. I instantly became severely angered at this and my mind & vision locked on them as they started over the bridge towards starbucks. As they neared I stood up, put on my coat and marched strait out the shop where I met them. I yelled at them about the swan, grabbed one of them by the collar, pinned him against the road railings and hit him right in the side of his head, hard.
Someone yelled at me so I walked off, steadily at first, as though proud I'd just carried out justice, but as I realized what I'd done I was soon legging it home. After all, I'd just commited assult on a juvenile! (I'm over 18). I know there is no excuse for violence. All I can say is the caffeine pushed me over the edge! Believe me or not, I'm not NORMALLY the violent type.As you can see I'm clearly loosing it. Yet my pdoc cant (wont) see the problem. I cant find a damn thing anywhere about such reactions, or intolerence to caffeine. But its getting beyond bad.
I've tried Clonazepam for withdrawal but it makes things worse not better. Maybe there's something else that can help the withdrawals, or even keep me abstinent from it. I'd certainly have a better chance if the Nardil did its thing again. But getting my pdoc to augment is like pulling teeth.
I've ordered some Lamotrigine online out of despiration, though some people say it can get Nardil going again - somewhat.Please add any thoughts or comments should you wish. I just wanted to post my problem 'cause its reaching boiling point and I cant get my head around much at the moment.
poster:tecknohed
thread:605981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20051211/msgs/605981.html