Posted by Impermanence on August 11, 2006, at 1:03:14
My tongue, lips and nose go numb just thinking about the stuff. I've been clean from coke, weed and prescribed diazepam (other drugs too but I only care about those three) for a couple of months now, it was hell but I got myself through it somehow. I'm a binge drinking type of alcoholic / drug addict that has been battling for ten years now. I used to come here last year and the year before, I was getting better and in a way I am, I'm no longer on (non benzo) pharmaceutical poison or feel depressed anymore but I've never stopped drinking or falling back on my chemical friends. A couple of months ago 'for example' during 10 weeks I spent E4,000 on cocaine, e and weed. I really miss weed, I really do life is so boring without a spliff. I also find it very hard to go outside with my prescribed diazepam (which again I came off by my own choice and was BLOODY THOUGH). But that was then, what stuck was I CRAVE cocaine so badly, like no other. All I have to do is make one phone call and I have as much as I can afford delivered to my door right now, and I can afford plenty. Every night I dream about the stuff, every day is a battle for a distraction. I feel a hunger like a monster in my chest, I'm like a beast when I think of the stuff. I don't know how long I can hold off, it's getting really boring now, so is being afraid, which is why I wonder why I'm not going back on diazepam. I guess I was on a high after my last proper cold turkey, as always, just gave it all up like some magic bastard. I'm drinking tonight, my old pal brandy, two weeks ago I had such severe alcohol withdrawals I was hearing voices in my head for three days, it was horrific, but here I am drinking, only to stop me buying cocaine though. I'm so bored with life yet have so much to give, Meh, it means nothing, I just wanna get f*cked. I hate being this way but I can't feel, I can't feel full stop. I'm dead inside, an empty shell. But hay, God is with us all, yeah.
poster:Impermanence
thread:675557
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20060727/msgs/675557.html