Posted by WhyandHow on August 23, 2006, at 0:36:50
I have a long document I did most of last night that has more info then necessary. The bottom line is that I have been abusing Adder all this summer in large amounts. Since I am on probation for growing marijuana plants, they don't haven’t tested me for other things. The other night I went camping with the biggest dirtball on earth - I am not denying my own responsibility here but he is the Adderall supplier who is also prescribed Xanix, Clonozopan, and many other things by the same doctor! He sells the Adderall and this summer I was stupid enough to become the main buyer. 11pm at campsite: he was passed out on whatever, people at another site were drunk and carrying on so I decided to pack up and leave. At 2am the "dirtbag" calls me and says I have to pick him up because he is cold (it was in the 50's). I had been pulled over driving home - I was falling asleep. I told him that I was too tired but was somehow convinced by my adderall god to go anyway. On the way there I fell asleep and hit a telephone pole! I blew 0.0 for alcohol and seem to have passed the sobriety tests BUT this is a HUGE wakeup call! I have so much at steak - almost done with a deferred judgment for pot (I view as the one therapeutic and relatively harmless drug on the illegal list - nothing like this stuff!). I am in college at about 40 and have done well so far. I have always been a likeable and kind hearted person etc. My first year on probation I had a "good" PO. Since then I have had a "bitch" who would love to see me fail or get into trouble (uses power trips from job to meet some need). While my main concern is getting off the Adderall and knowing the depression and such, I find myself more worried that she will suddenly decide to test me for benzoids or something after hearing about the car incident. I just want a few days to get off things but I don't have it. Between my part-time job and self employed job AND school (just started fulltime classes for fall today), I MUST succeed. I meant to quit earlier and was did spend a week or 2 off the crap between his monthly doses. Last time I drank for a few nights (didn't help depression much), and then was almost back on track with no more BUT he/I got it again. I am SO scared since this drug is nothing like anything I have done before and I cannot let PO know - if I loose deferment then my life is over. I am afraid to talk to anyone. I would get about 40 pills (30 MG) and snort about 6 or 7 of them per 24 hour period - staying up for 3 days and nights at a time. Now he reported a fake burglary to get extra meds (his quack doc even upped all of his dosages!) and I am super scared of where I am at right now - I have 30 pills stashed that I want to flush. I normally take some Xanix with them and that would be a good thing for a short term to get rid of this but am afraid of suddenly being tested for bunions based on events/suspicion so I have been trying to find out if Ambient is detected on Benzoic strip tests - all I get is advertisements when I do searches. If I loose my deferment (the bitch would love it - she tried to take it away a couple years back for marijuana) my life would be over - no more career - no more anything. Even WITH a deferred, nowadays it still must be brought up for pro licenses in any profession - the system hasn’t changed but 9-11 and technology make the same things 100 times worse.
I have to report contact with law enforcement so I did so the afternoon after the telephone pole via voicemail since I could not get her. The next day has gone by with no call. I wish I could just think about my own recovery from this instead of her first - but that’s the way it is. I am drinking alcohol (Vodka and Orange Juice) and I will probably take 20MG of Ambien tonight for my own sanity (so I don't stay up) and just hope that if tomorrow morning at I call the recording and its my day for a "random" drug test I don't suddenly I find Benzoids added to my list. The pleasure of this damn drug has ended - I wish I would have never touched it now.
How much miseries will there be? (initially it deceived me but I know now that I am on the verge of serious physical symptoms if I don't stop soon). I had a history of cocaine abuse when younger etc.....father died at 53 of a heart attack.....etc.
It has been about 2 and a half months with binges lasting a week or 10 days where I would stay up for 3 twenty four hour periods many times...
Last night I only did a tiny bit (90MG? - the last there was until this morning). Even though I paid money for this crap I should flush it! I will probably wait till I have slept and check the random UA recording.
Is Ambien detected on a Benzoid "strip test" the next day? (it has such a short half life but I don't know about the testable metabolites).
If I had the "decent" PO I had the first year of probation I would probably tell her and let her make me do the right thing (?)- but no way with this bitch.
I want to talk to a doctor but don't have any. I am supposedly covered under SSDI starting 9-1 but I don't understand it (and the PO hates her tax dollars being spent on me). I am a good person - hard to believe right now.
THE THING IS NOTHING I SAY HERE REALLY MATTERS. I SIMPLY MUST STOP BUT EVERY MEANS OF DOING SO JEPARDIZES MYSELF OR CAUSES PROBLEMS AS MUCH or more AS IF I DON'T (already had a little incident at work etc - did well in resolving it).
I have 3 classes tomorrow - and more. No matter what I must just quit at an important time - no more using it to get through anything - those chances are past.
Please advice.
poster:WhyandHow
thread:679230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20060727/msgs/679230.html