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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jubilee on October 4, 2004, at 21:10:55
I am so blessed I have a place I can go to hear others and hopefully to get some support in my own grief. Jacob passed on Feb. 22nd this year , from an accidental overdose,and I am trying to get real here about how I feel. My roomate does'nt talk much and I am physically disabled and do'nt drive or I would go to a grief group. There is one at Roseville hospital twice a week. I had 4 sons . (one in heaven;miscarried) I am a Christian, and I believe my son is in heaven, which helps me keep things in perspective. I hurt and so wish I had been able to be there more for him as his friend and mother. My 3 sons had me, a mother with mental health issues since 1983 and I started recovery when Jacob was 13. His years with his father were real abusive and when he came back to me at 10 I was'nt able to be there for him like he deserved and so needed. He knew I did my best and I have finally overcome any regretes by Gods grace conserning what I was unable to do for my kids. I did my best with Gods help, and God began healing me 7-7-02. God has healed me two more times since Jake's death in Feb. and I so wish he was a part of this new mind the Lord has given me. By Gods grace I happened to write a comforting uplifting letter of some kind and he called me a month before his death and told me that good letter made him cry and he thanked me.. His 2 prior calls (lived out of state) were'nt too good. At the moment there is a big empty hole in me and the wind is blowing right through it! Loosing my firstborn has changed my relationship with my other two sons as I have been open with my whole heart and left nothing unsaid, and feel prepared if I should loose another. At first I so lived in that fear of loosing another son, and knew it would take me over the edge. I must accept that I gave my Jacob all I had to give at the time considering my state of mind. I will close this post with that thought, as I feel better now. Any response would be so appriciated, as I've been in an emotional wilderness for many years. Jubilee
Posted by Shar on October 5, 2004, at 0:27:21
In reply to I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son, posted by Jubilee on October 4, 2004, at 21:10:55
Hi, Jubilee,
I'm so glad you posted here. I can't imagine the trauma you've been through, and I admire you so very much for being the 'real' you with your sons.I have no doubt that Jacob is in a better place, and I think your writing him a letter that touched him probably meant very much to him.
I hope you will find this place, and perhaps other resources, that can help you deal with your grief. I do, truly, believe we all do the best we can with our children. I was no ideal mom, and I did not have an ideal mom. We just sort of muddle through, and keep 'hanging in there.' When one has a mood disorder it changes things a great deal. Good for you that you were able to be the best you knew how with your son!
All best wishes,
Shar
Posted by tabitha on October 5, 2004, at 1:09:33
In reply to I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son, posted by Jubilee on October 4, 2004, at 21:10:55
Hi, just wanted to say I was touched by your story. I'm sure your letter meant a lot to him. I have no children, but I lost my mom at 35 and went through a lot of grief over that. The most comfort I ever got in my grief was the idea of making something good come from the loss. It sounds like you are doing that by opening your heart and improving your relationships with your other sons. That really honors his memory.
Posted by Jubilee on October 5, 2004, at 21:08:26
In reply to Re: I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son » Jubilee, posted by Shar on October 5, 2004, at 0:27:21
Thanks for the encouragment Shar. Sat too long answering Tabitha and lost it in transfer, so i'll talk more tomarrow as I must go recline now. Disabled. Jubilee Thanks
Posted by Jubilee on October 5, 2004, at 21:13:45
In reply to Re: I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son, posted by tabitha on October 5, 2004, at 1:09:33
Hi Tabatha, Still don't know if you got my response as I was writing and Babble messed up. God works all things together for my good though and he will somehow keep bringing good things out of his deeply felt loss. More tomarrow , as I am disabled and must recline now. Jubilee Thanks
Posted by Jubilee on October 6, 2004, at 3:09:52
In reply to Re: I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son » Jubilee, posted by Shar on October 5, 2004, at 0:27:21
Hello my kind friends.
I am also going off the anti-depressant effexor, at this time, and I am sitting up in the middle of the night because of it,Ha!. it's dangerous and takes about 5 months and I am doing very well thanks to my babble friends and of course God. I am also a newly (mostly)recovered multiple personality. My miraculous healing process began on 7-7-02, and the Lord did 2 more healings 8-31 and 9-15th of this year. My mind has been restored , since I split open in 1983 and I am presently writing a book. ( I will only say for info, that MPD is not a mental illness ,but a survival tecnique for traumatized children , and no, I was'nt possesed.
It is hard to fully talk about my grieving process the last 8 months and not mention that I just realized again ,the 31st that I had lost myoldest son all over again. That morning ,when I saw his picture on the wall I wept as I never had before, crying out to God:why?
I heard a bell, and last time I lost all I wrote , so I'm going to post this and then continue. Jubilee
Posted by Jubilee on October 6, 2004, at 3:42:31
In reply to Re: lost my 27 year old Son-to Shar and Tabatha, posted by Jubilee on October 6, 2004, at 3:09:52
Hi;I am back.
First I want to thank both of you as a have only had a couple people I have mentioned it too, and I really would go to a group and talk more if I was not physically disabled.
Tabatha, when you said that what I have done with my other sons really honors Jacob's memory that ment alot. I have always been open and honest with my sons , but lately I have got to approach them with a much sounder mind and had to say some things conserning tough love. They are Christians , but not in addiction or co-dependency recovery recovery, so not yet really facing the issues , like me being too emotionally ill to be there for them. I see my grandchildren suffering and know I must be honest for their sake. Love is about sacrifice and I did teach them both about that , as I had to place them in foster care for some years. I will just conclude this saying that throu my last healings I was finally able to accept that I really was too ill and I really did do the best for them and it was very painful. Finally ,no more guilt and deep remorce.
Anyway , I feel I am thru alot of the denial over Jake and the anger for him not being more careful and also some past resentments came up for me after he died due to living with him in his duel addictions as a teen. He was very hurt and angry with me and he also interfered with my raising of my younger sons when I got them out of gaurdianship at 13 and 14.
Jacob did love me in spite of himself! He was brave and courageous ,but in alot of emotional pain. The county did take him from me when he got in trouble, because of my MPD.
I miss his phone calls and visits so much and was very sad that he wasn't here lately to see my mind so restored. He went home , before I got back home ,so to speak. I wrote him a letter today ,to put in the album I made him. So many memories. I am so blessed ,even in my loss. Going to go cry some more. Thanks for listening. Jubilee
Posted by Shar on October 7, 2004, at 23:20:29
In reply to Re: lost my 27 year old Son-to Shar and Tabatha, posted by Jubilee on October 6, 2004, at 3:42:31
J--
It sounds like this trauma has made you a stronger and wiser person. I love the idea that you are looking at your children and grandchildren in a new light. Even if they don't share your beliefs, I figure....it couldn't hurt.I do hope you find comfort, peace, and clarity in the aftermath of your terrible experience.
Shar
Posted by Jubilee on October 8, 2004, at 19:29:27
In reply to Wishing you peace » Jubilee, posted by Shar on October 7, 2004, at 23:20:29
Hi there, God uses everything we go through to to make us more loving and wiser to help us to better serve others. I have gone through the denial, and the anger for him letting that happen(plus I had to deal with some resentments I had. Now that was uncomfortable!) And I am through bargining I believe and now I feel that I am into the stage of depression. I miss him . I cry alot. I started asking God why a few days ago, until I got the latest tape from my pastor and prophet. She said one day you stop asking why so short and start thinking why so long as 27 years Lord? I was in a wreck ,before seat belts going 55 on the freeway and he was standing in the back seat at 3 years old. I came to and an officer was holding him and he did'nt have a scratch on him. That was angel's . Broke ankle in half and had surgery next day. Jake was fine and not even crying. Or what about All the drug and alcohol overdoses in all his emotional pain and the people he was around?? He found someone to love, got over his mom , fulfilled his purpose and went to heaven. I'll keep crying when needed and feeling, so it doesn't posion me. Wrote him a letter for his memorial book I made of pictures and letters and dried flowers. Feel better today and happy someone heard me and responded ,Shar. Thanks a bunch...Jubilee
Posted by RoseyReel on October 15, 2004, at 9:35:40
In reply to I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son, posted by Jubilee on October 4, 2004, at 21:10:55
Hello Jubilee----I have read your posts and am warmed and encouraged by the journey you’ve been making. I am 53, and have three children (1 now resides in my heart). I too lost my youngest son at the tender age of 27 (exactly 13 days after his 27th birthday which fell on Friday the 13th of August this year). I’m not superstitious, but as I mentioned in my first post, the math is “eerie”. Ed is survived by 2 older siblings, a brother and sister. We had the priviledge of enjoying his company for 26 years.
The strides you have made in your recovery and in reaching positive communication with your children have warmed my heart. You are truly a survivor of your life’s obstacles and much to be admired. When I read your posts, the thought that occurred to me foremost is that though Jake is no longer physically in your life, he has continued his presence by becoming your guide and companion through a difficult personal healing process between you and your other children -- gathering and bonding all of you closer together. Perhaps, as we all like to believe, everything can be give reason -- that (just maybe) this is Jake’s gift to you, and possibly be more comforted that he is still with you in this way.
It seems to me that although your family has had a tumultuous life, you and your children have all remained very close and caring--a quality you conveyed to them early on no matter what else may have been happening in your lives.
Your new honesty and openness is the most difficult and courageous act of all, revealing old wounds but opening new doors.
To you--I wish peace and comfort. God bless you and yours.
Posted by jubilee on December 11, 2004, at 18:58:04
In reply to Re: I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son, posted by RoseyReel on October 15, 2004, at 9:35:40
Dear RosieReel, You letter so encouraged me as I have finally found old writings that gave me the address on this old page. ( I keep my writings and responses in a binder. ) I so hope all get this as you have all been so kind. My yongest is back on drugs , but trying not to drink, and is not handling any of his losses well. ( Children -x girlfriend, brother)
Yes , my other 2 sons absolutely love with all their hearts which makes me beyond blessed. My middle can't remember the constant 2 week visits in my MPD illness, but loves me so , and defends me to the death. They need to keep crossing the road that leaves all doubt behind as myself finally in Aug in my final healing (MPD), knowing that I did my best despite it all. I am there for them now and isnt it funny how they want to figure it all out alone now.? Well. my middle wasnt handling it well few months back and was homeless and I told him if he didnt go to NA down the street that I could not help him if he would not help himself. He went and He met the love of his life and got clean and thanked me for being hard on him. Sometimes we must be hard and deep down they know we care, if we really do. I wrote my youngest a straight forward letter today , amongst my many loving letters , to let him know I believe in the best in him to come out soon. We must face our losses sober or they never go away. I have been having a very hard two days after 10 months now. I am just about off the most dangerous drug I've ever been on called effexor. (anti-dep.) Lost alot of vision and its withdrawals are worse that herion they say and you get sick enough to die. God was gracious and gave me a large amount to start with to go off slowly, now 5 months and almost off. ! It makes you very angry and or emotional and I think it kicked my rear as I was crying and accepting much until yesterday.
Now I see why they say holidays are so hard for some , but I am believing that this will turn out good anyway as we find greater closeness because of Jake. I wrote Jake a letter yesterday again and I will write another tonight. I made a memorial binder with alot of photos and letters I started writing from the start. Also dry flowers from boquets. Also memorial pictures and his brothers and good ol mom and dad.
I think too ,it might be about Xmas. I am sharing the ashes I have with his brothers though I am hanging on to one portion each for them as they ae still young and not real responsible. I hope it will be special to them as myself.Elisha bones , in the old testament , touched others bones and they rose from the dead. Joseph in Egypt said to take my bones into the promised land. So his bones are special to me.
Hearing your words consering my inspiration and strength which I owe all to my Lord Jesus and what I know of him and our hope to see our loved ones again , greatly encouraged me, and I consider a gift.
Thank you for listening and caring. God Bless, Jubilee.
Posted by jubilee on January 25, 2005, at 19:29:24
In reply to Re: I'm 52 and lost my 27 year old son-hi Rosie, posted by jubilee on December 11, 2004, at 18:58:04
I wanted to share more conserning getting through the grief process and whats been happening conserning my son Jacob. . Something significant happened 3 days ago. God and I have had some interesting conversations lately as I have actually been mad at God , and having a very hard time shaking it. I went into deeper grief about a month ago and I finally got ahold of a christian friend to come to my home and annoint me with oil and pray for me , and I have been able to sleep again and my anger is gone (anger also from comming off a drug,Anti depressant, I had mentioned didnt help). I went to church last Sunday, a new one as I just havent been able to make it. It was nice.
3 nights ago , in prayer I felt I heard a word from the Lord and the fact that his mercy was very much involved in my sons death. My son had been dead awhile but still revivable , but not good... They brought him into the kitchen from his bed BUT they , after 45 minutes , could not get the breathing tube down his throat like it had been crushed , but it wasn't. If he had been revived , he more than likely would have been on a resperator and like a vegtable bringing himself heartbreak and our family the rest of his life. . The thought of that brought me into gratefulness, and I felt a closenes to the Lord again , like I feel deeper trust, even though I still miss Jacob so much. I believe I was oppressed by "grief" until my friend prayed as I should have been getting better , not worse, and I have hardly cried since that prayer. . I just found the binder this grief address was in . Hope you are all well. Jubilee
Posted by saw on January 26, 2005, at 5:04:53
In reply to Re: I'm 52- and recovering from sons loss, posted by jubilee on January 25, 2005, at 19:29:24
It is good that you are finding some kind of comfort and though you still miss your son that you are able to find some answers and be at peace with them. You have travelled a long road.
I am so glad that you are finding some release from your grief.
Sabrina
Posted by jubilee on January 26, 2005, at 21:19:00
In reply to Re: I'm 52- and recovering from sons loss » jubilee, posted by saw on January 26, 2005, at 5:04:53
One reason I brought up my re-intencified grief after I was doing pretty good as I felt it became a spiritual issue of oppression from so much weeping . Prayer really relieved me of the intensity of it all and now I can sleep again. I am so relieved he is not just laying in some hospital every day unable to communicate, and that would have happened as he had been dead too long. I thank God for his mercy.
Later Jubilee.
Posted by Spriggy on January 29, 2005, at 21:21:00
In reply to Re: I'm 52- and recovering from sons loss, posted by jubilee on January 26, 2005, at 21:19:00
Jubilee,
I am also a Christian and your words have brought such a comfort to me.
I'm only 26 years old and having a tough time watching my father die a pretty difficult death. It's more pain than I knew a person could feel..but even with this much pain, I can't fathom it being one of my son's.
Thank you for continuing to seek after God even in your grief and anger at Him. I'm a believer that His grace is SOOO much bigger than any question or anger we pose to Him. He knows we are "flesh" and can't fathom all of His ways.
But yes, He is always faithful and good, despite our pain.Thank you for sharing your story and heart.
Posted by jubilee on January 30, 2005, at 20:23:56
In reply to Re: I'm 52- and recovering from sons loss, posted by Spriggy on January 29, 2005, at 21:21:00
Hi Spriggy,
I was overwhelmed with grief and I believe it became a spiritual matter and I got prayer last week, as I started crying more lately than in the beginning. I am also comming off an AD called effexor which makes you over emotional. I have been very angry with God and I knew he loved me , BUT I had to have a "word". I got prayer , a sister came over to my home , and told her my anger towards God was getting out of hand and I couldn't stop weeping. and I couldnt sleep, which I am now, After she prayed I have been doing great. A couple days after prayer , this last Sat. I felt I finally got a word from God in prayer on my son ,where he said his mercy was there and thats why he wasnt revived , as he would have been a vegetable, and that would have been too painful for all of us. I felt so loved by God when he spoke that to my heart , and I had been over my anger several days with him. I have a much deeper relationship or i feel closer to God knowing that he allows me to have all my feelings and be real as he already knows exactly how you really feel anyways and I know he perfers our honesty.Thank you for sharing with me as my father died about two years ago and I miss him and the trips up to his place and all the visits, but he was in a wheelchair , half body stroke and numb and he wanted to go home . There was peace in it too I am just so very sorry to hear of your fathers pain as it sounded like he might be in physical pain also. Is that right? I know it will be hard for you , but time and lots of talking about it really heals, and in my case there is always prayer (extra) to get us over the rough spots. I didn't have that hard of time with my dad , but there is no loss like a child loss. We were on excelent terms when he passed and that was an awesome blessing , thats a good reason to never go to bed angry at anyone if possible. I wish you well in you situation conserning your dad, just know he is definately going to a better place and take comfort in that as I know my son is with the Lord and that gives me great joy.
You being the well one might have to stick up for your dad on pain meds as he shouldnt have to suffer. I am so sorry he is suffering . I never really ever have been close to death , until my son died and I was in denial a long time , and it changed my relationships with my other 2 sons and made them better. Take care, Jubilee
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