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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 137. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KindGirl on March 11, 2004, at 18:06:26
Just curious. I am a big "I love you" person....I always say that when I am hanging up the phone with dear friends....my kids say "I love you mommy!" as they get out of the car at school.....have you ever told your t. "I love you"....did he or she ever say it to you?
What is transference...and is it bad? I am confused about it....
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 11, 2004, at 19:50:41
In reply to Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by KindGirl on March 11, 2004, at 18:06:26
KindGirl transference is NOT bad. Many T's love to work within transferance. Depends on their school of thought MY T had told me once he LOVES to work within transferance and we did not say I have it we talk psych theory a lot all kinds. I do not have transference but it IS good to MANY MANY T's What is it some say it is the process whereby emotions are passed on or displaced from one person to another during psychoanalysis the displacement of feelings toward others (usually the parents but NOT always) is onto the T. fRANKLY, I THINK ALL relationships close are semi based on this
Posted by terrics on March 11, 2004, at 20:58:50
In reply to Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by KindGirl on March 11, 2004, at 18:06:26
Yes, I tell T. I love her and she tells me that she loves me. terrics ps Does your T. say I love you?
Posted by Kind Girl on March 11, 2004, at 21:31:19
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » KindGirl, posted by terrics on March 11, 2004, at 20:58:50
Yes...and I wonder if you have the same reaction I do....sometimes she will say it right before she hangs up on a message...sometimes she doesn't. I am such a sensitive FREAK (!) that if she doesn't say it now I think something's wrong. How sick is that? We both say it. I usually say it when I am leaving a very painful session and she will say "I love you too".
I think my T. (obviously) is all for transference. I think it is individual and all t.s are different like you guys said...and each of us are different and have different needs. I am just glad to be in therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never thought I would say that!
Posted by tinydancer on March 12, 2004, at 1:37:25
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by Kind Girl on March 11, 2004, at 21:31:19
Well, as everyone here knows (HAHA!) I have a male therapist so it changes the context somewhat.
He knows I love him, I've told him that. But I'm not an "I love you" person. I don't say it much (excluding my child) so I wouldn't be comfortable with an exchange of "I love yous" every time I met anyone, I feel very uncomfortable with the phrase.
I don't think that my T loves me in this romantic, I want to leave my life behind and run away with you love, but I think he does love me for who I am and my dedication to the work we're doing together. He's got a big heart.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 12:51:30
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by tinydancer on March 12, 2004, at 1:37:25
Wow TinyDancer that s cool. I think mine cares for me and well may love me in a few ways but the WORDS "I LOVE YOU" haaaa !!! I sure cannot say I am much to shy with him in ways and it seems out of line, with me and him. He has a NUMBER of times said I CARE about you at ODD times but for me I cannot say because the words get in the way:( I am a huge dope all in all.
Posted by pegasus on March 12, 2004, at 13:43:53
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » tinydancer, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 12:51:30
Oh, I hope you are not a huge dope, because then I'm a huge dope too! I do exactly the same thing.
It was only when my T told me he was moving that I managed, eventually, to choke out a statement about caring about him. And then he reciprocated (using my own words, which was annoying - like he only wanted to exactly match me and not tell me anything unique), but he never said anything like that before the turmoil of trying to terminate prematurely.
I think different people have different experiences and thresholds for that type of thing, and if you can't manage to say that you care/love your T, he probably knows a lot of how you feel anyway. We say it in a lot of ways besides with words, I think.
- p
Posted by All Done on March 12, 2004, at 13:55:16
In reply to Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by KindGirl on March 11, 2004, at 18:06:26
When I first learned about transference and all the feelings that can be evoked in a therapeutic relationship, I was discussing it with my T. At one point, I said, "but it's not like I *love* you or anything, yet." At the time, the yet was a slip. Good thing I said it, though, I suppose :).
To answer your question, no. Neither my T or I say I love you to each other. I think I'm learning (is that the right word?) to love him, but sadly, I don't know that he loves me or ever will. Perhaps, he cares about me. Though I'm still not sure about that one, either.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 13:57:21
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by pegasus on March 12, 2004, at 13:43:53
LOL. O.K maybe I am a petite dope but dope none the less. I hate when people parrot back to me what I have said. So I THINK I UNDERSTAND what you are saying on how he said the same words back. And I know well kind of know my T MUST know how I feel by some of our side talk on how I feel but I erode within by holding in what I wish I could and want to say, THAT'S WHERE I am a dope :) That song by Avril THESE THINGS I'LL NEVER SAY, that really fits me and I wish I could be brave like some of the other posters...In many ways it makes me sad that.."these things I'll never say"
HUGS
> Oh, I hope you are not a huge dope, because then I'm a huge dope too! I do exactly the same thing.
>
> It was only when my T told me he was moving that I managed, eventually, to choke out a statement about caring about him. And then he reciprocated (using my own words, which was annoying - like he only wanted to exactly match me and not tell me anything unique), but he never said anything like that before the turmoil of trying to terminate prematurely.
>
> I think different people have different experiences and thresholds for that type of thing, and if you can't manage to say that you care/love your T, he probably knows a lot of how you feel anyway. We say it in a lot of ways besides with words, I think.
>
> - p
Posted by Dinah on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:01
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » pegasus, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 13:57:21
You really ought to try to say them. No one can gain therapeutically from their feelings (any feelings) unless they disclose them. Therapy is all about disclosing your feelings.
What's wrong with telling him you find yourself feeling loving/erotic/whatever feelings for him? Some therapists might get freaked out, but most experienced ones have probably had it happen a few times and should know how to respond in a therapeutic manner.
Posted by crushedout on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:32
In reply to Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by KindGirl on March 11, 2004, at 18:06:26
My T and I don't actually say the words "I love you" to each other, but we've implied that we love each other on several occasions. For example, once I wrote her a poem that contained the line (in regard to my therapy with her) "Love not free but real all the same," and she responded to it by saying that I don't "pay for the love with money" -- that I "pay for it" in what I show her, which makes me lovable. And she said that "other" people would love me, too (other than her). I took that to mean that she loved me, even though she didn't say it exactly.
Posted by inthegloaming on March 13, 2004, at 1:26:56
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » KindGirl, posted by crushedout on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:32
i have really come to love my T over the i don't know how long we've been doing sessions. as for transference, i was extremely mean to her in the beginning... snide and snarky and belligerent, and she took it in stride. i couldn't be outwardly nasty to anyone else in my life who i was angry at, so i blasted it all on her. then when i went to a pdoc, i terminated talk therapy. just this year, i realized that my old T was the way to go and i came back to open arms.
i have never liked therapy, but now i do. i'm comfortable in it, know what to say. i can say so much more now, which is good. at first i thought it was weird to have any sort of feeling at ALL towards your therapist--i mean, you're paying them, blah blah--but when i began to trust that she genuinely cared for me, i guess i opened up some to the idea. she truly is a friend now, an ally, like an oracle-aunt of some kind. something like that. i don't know. sometimes i've been tempted to say 'i love you, doc' but... somehow it seems unprofessional. and i don't know why i even care about 'professional...' i'm a scruffy 19 year old college kid for petes sake... anyway...
Posted by Pfinstegg on March 13, 2004, at 10:25:12
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » pegasus, posted by Fallen4myT on March 12, 2004, at 13:57:21
You CAN do it! Beginning to tell your T how you are feelng about him will be hard, and will give you lots of anxious moments, but you will learn that you can trust yourself AND him with these feelings. You are sure to get an empathic, tender response as it's clear that he really cares about you a lot; however, it could well be the beginning of the end of your hopes for him as an eventual romantic partner. You'll get more, though- you'll begin to really get better! And along the way, you can even occasionally have fun, like you helped me to do with the clothes!
Posted by spoc on March 13, 2004, at 23:25:20
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever?, posted by pegasus on March 12, 2004, at 13:43:53
Hi all,
I had very strong feelings for a pdoc for awhile, and maybe the point *is* to give free reign to them to play out -- I'm not sure. But instead, I forced them back in check ASAP because I felt selfish "falling in love" with someone and dreaming of its reciprocation based only on a scenario that was allll about me me me. I imagined idealized qualities about him as a person and knew I liked how safe I felt with him, but realized this didn't mean I actually *did* know him or give back to him through the equal two-way flow that real love grows from. I also fancy myself to be likable and engaging as a client but that's still not the 50% contribution a "partner" deserves to be getting in return. Do main stream therapists really have no problem with expressing "love" for a client; without reminding them that their feelings are normal for the setting but not "real?" Without the reality of the fact that it *isn't* reality thrown in, it would seem like many clients would have a harder time separating and applying the improved loving skills in more appropriate places.
But then while I enjoy researching just about anything, I've purposely stayed away from researching psy theories and factors much, hoping it would make me a clean slate for getting help with no preconceived notions. But I've already seen that has been a mistake in some ways.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 15:12:09
In reply to Re: Do you and your t. say l love you ever? » Fallen4myT, posted by Dinah on March 12, 2004, at 19:26:01
I don't know but I posted somewhere...lol not sure where that I kinda hinted and he kinda knows I THINK? but no way too shy and don't wanna make him feel odd..or me :)
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 15:23:20
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 13, 2004, at 10:25:12
Aw P thanks but :) NO I CANNOT "SAY" it...too shy and also he knows a lot of how I feel we as I said in some thread kind of side talked it and well I kind of get the idea he may not WANT to hear it from me. Also he said its not transferance but that is an area I won't go into on the boards but I don't generally have GOOD things like him in my life so I am rational enough to know WE are never going to be a WE just dreaming my life away once in a while anyhow and yeah its fun to play :)
Posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 15:40:26
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 15:23:20
Aww,yes....there probably are some very positive and helpful things in having those wonderful feelings- even if you NEVER talk about them! The thing that really counts, maybe, is HAVING the feelings. Words are only a fraction of the ways in which we all communicate, anyway. I'd say, if it feels right- NOT TO WORRY A BIT! From my own experience, as a *BIG TALKER*, some of the most meaningful times I've had in therapy took place in complete silence- just knowing we had gotten to the point of being really attuned to one another and were sharing feelings- feeling close and at peace, you know?
Want you to know I'm on the net shopping for my camisoles! My T comes back tomorrow...
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 16:03:39
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 15:40:26
Thanks for understanding and all, thing is we DO communicate WITH LOOKS that would curl your hair :) And in talking AROUND the issue and wow so much I cannot say but his *crossings* and all. You would be amazed at how well we say so much without the words.
Haha, youre on the Net getting ready for T day...ask him if he will toss some beads your way :) WHAT COLORS YOUY BUYING?
Posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 21:41:16
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 16:03:39
Actually, it sounds just wonderful! Even though I tend to talk, and the analyst I have relies on talking as well, we also communicate in the same ways as you- probably not as much though.. However, when I get those camisoles, and unbutton the jackets, I may have more to report! If I don't just die of embarrassment first.....
Posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 22:06:09
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 16:03:39
Oh, the COLORS! I've found black and white, which were easy, but have to look carefully for a match for the strawberry, which is kind of a deep pink color. I'll definitely enjoy wearing them out with my husband and friends, but, truthfully, it's quite scary for me to wear them to my sessions- at the same time, it will be new (and it is a GREAT idea)... but it will up the sex factor, which is pretty darned high already. God, how did I ever agree to this???? If you don't hear a thing from me, you'll know I expired right on the couch from sheer embarrassment!
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 23:33:01
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 21:41:16
Lol with your kind of therapy youre kind of forced to talk or I bet it would be dead silent and EVEN I would talk rather than have that :) Oh yes our eyes lock in and a lot is said even when he gets tears in his eyes and so on...lets say in a FEW ways ya know :P . You are making me lol on dying of embarrassment cause you CAN blame the whole clothes deal on me and get out of it say a friend told you its the ONLY way to DO therapy as you will tap into the inner you by dressing as you feel :)
> Actually, it sounds just wonderful! Even though I tend to talk, and the analyst I have relies on talking as well, we also communicate in the same ways as you- probably not as much though.. However, when I get those camisoles, and unbutton the jackets, I may have more to report! If I don't just die of embarrassment first.....
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 14, 2004, at 23:42:58
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 14, 2004, at 22:06:09
Gak! I posted this post then lost it...On colors you want to accent not just match the color so a pink, white or raspberry would I think work with that jacket...see IN PERSON...JC Penneys, Marhsall Fields, Kohls ...wow so many places in person cause in the juniors section things you THINK you cannot fit into you can...and you will be here to tell me what you wore at your NEXT session I have faith that you will not expire on that couch lololol...Oh and try Bisou bisou they have cute like spaghetti strap tank like tops built in bras but wayyy low cut....,many colors
Posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.. » Fallen4myT, posted by Pfinstegg on March 13, 2004, at 10:25:12
This is all rather queer (in the original sense of the term). And this is why I am very skeptical about "Ts" and their position of power in therapy. Why are people so obsessed with "love"? I understand that long conversations with empathetic therapists (why give themthe capital "T"?)have the potential to create illusions of love, but this is not very constructive. I also feel that many "Ts" take advantage of the situation and ride an ego trip at the expense of vulnerable patients. I thought this board was about mutual help and respect, not about what are the best clothes to wear on sessions with an alleged "therapist." In short, I'm disgusted.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 17, 2004, at 20:36:08
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.., posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54
We do support one another and once you're around for a while you will see the MANY ways we do that with and for once another. Clothes included :)
Posted by gabbix2 on March 17, 2004, at 20:40:45
In reply to Re: sayng what you are feelng.., posted by Tancred62 on March 17, 2004, at 19:17:54
> In short, I'm disgusted.
So?
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