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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 8:32:25
Last night I went to a women's wellness circle my T runs once a month. There are clients, acquaintances, and just interesting women she invites via p-docs in the area. The subject this month was guided meditation.
OK, so during the first meditation I had a panic attack - the first in a couple of days (which I thought was real progress). Then I started leaking tears. It felt like the meditation opened this gaping hole inside me and my wounded soul was dripping out of me. I sniffled and snorted and tried to subdue the crying - which never works, by the way.
It just got worse as the evening progressed. at one point my T looked at me and mouthed "are you ok?" to which I shook my head and cried harder. I hung around as long as I could stand after the meeting, but ended up fleeing and sobbing all the way home.
I have met some of the women in this group before. Some of them put a comforting hand on my shoulder and I cried all the harder. This always happens when someone tries to comfort me.
I feel partly like I cried because I was in a group where I felt safe enough to do so. On the other hand, I also cried last week before having a mammogram, and I didn't know a soul there.
Any ideas as to what is happening here? I left my T a message this morning apologizing for disrupting the group (someone sniffling and sighing is not helpful for a meditation lesson). I feel like a crumb.
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:04:47
In reply to Wellness Circle debacle, posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 8:32:25
Don't feel bad. It's well known that meditation can open the door to feelings we have successfully protected ourselves from during our waking hours. I'm sure your therapist understands that. Mine gave me warnings, along with instructions not to fight it. I can see where you would feel embarassed doing it in public, but maybe you could see it as your body's way of telling you you need to explore those feelings with your therapist. Listen to your body.
Posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 9:21:39
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle debacle » rainyday, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:04:47
I hope I get to the bottom of this. I don't know where all this sadness is coming from, but I do trust my T to help me find it. I just have a hard time keeping a public face and my tears at bay. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with WHAT I'm doing. If I'm busy or not, they just keep coming. I have the hardest time, even here on babble, when people show concern for me. It gets me even more upset and I feel so undeserving for peoples' well wishes. It's not there's something I am aware of making me so upset. I am just so inconsolably sad.
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:23:38
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle debacle » Dinah, posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 9:21:39
Are you on meds? When I'm feeling that teary, I always have to give thought to whether it's just a biological thing. In which case therapy helps support us through it, but meds are needed too. (And I *hate* meds!)
Posted by fallsfall on April 28, 2004, at 9:53:30
In reply to Wellness Circle debacle, posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 8:32:25
I'm sorry that life is unsettled for you.
I would check in with your pdoc as it often seems that when emotions don't correspond with what is happening, the solution can be a change in meds.
Good luck - and you did a great job sticking with the group till the end.
Posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 9:57:45
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle debacle » rainyday, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:23:38
Yes, I am on effexor xr 75mg, wellbutrin 300mg, xanax as need .5mg, and ambien as needed 10mg. Since starting on the WB I have been jittery and unable to sleep without the ambien. I hate meds too. I feel like meds are pushing the problems under and I feel better, so I am not getting to the underlying issues. My p-doc and T both think I suffer also from post traumatic stress because the last 5 years of my first marriage were filled with betrayal, emotional abuse, deportation, the loss of 2 homes, and near financial ruin.
I see my p-doc on Monday. We thought I was doing OK on this cocktail but I guess I'm not.
Posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 9:58:28
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle debacle » rainyday, posted by fallsfall on April 28, 2004, at 9:53:30
Thanks. I see my p-doc Monday.
Posted by Aphrodite on April 28, 2004, at 10:52:06
In reply to Wellness Circle debacle, posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 8:32:25
I just started exploring the world of meditation, and I know the kind of things it brings forth. Do you meditate on your own? Maybe some individual meditation will let you get out those emotions in an environment where you will not feel like you are disturbing others. I particulary like Andrew Weil's guided mediation CDs. I don't do it very well on my own. I would pay very close attention to what is surfacing.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 28, 2004, at 13:34:17
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle debacle » rainyday, posted by Aphrodite on April 28, 2004, at 10:52:06
Rainyday,
I had trouble at first with meditation. I never had a panic attack, but I became so anxious and jittery, like I just had to get up and MOVE, that I had to stop. Fortuntately, I was home alone. But I do think that meditation can bring stuff up, like others said.I'm exactly the same way about being sad and crying. The moment someone is nice to me it just opens the floodgates. Sometimes I've had to ask people to leave me alone or say "don't be nice to me right now" so that I could feel like I could hold it together until it felt safe to cry.
It's interesting about your screen name. My T commented on something I said before a session about looking like it was going to rain. This was when I usually spent the entire session crying every week. He said that rain is a metaphor or symbol for tears, and he thought it was interesting that I made that comment that day and then proceeded to "rain" all over his couch. So I hope you do become "partly cloudy" soon. It does feel better not to cry so much, as healing as tears can be.
Take care,
gg
Posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 14:33:43
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle debacle, posted by gardenergirl on April 28, 2004, at 13:34:17
It's like having my own personal life boat.
Without this forum my mind just spins and turns itself into knots and things get much worse than they are.
Posted by terrics on April 28, 2004, at 16:04:35
In reply to Wellness Circle debacle, posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 8:32:25
Hi Rainyday, Maybe you felt safe among those women. I would love to find a group like that. I hope you are going to continue with it. terrics
Posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 20:26:04
In reply to Wellness Circle debacle, posted by rainyday on April 28, 2004, at 8:32:25
I don't think things like Wellness Circles work for people who are seriously mentally ill. Something like that would make me very uncomfortable.
I think you cry so often because you are depressed and sad. Because those feelings are always with you, just below the surface, it's easy for anything to trigger the tears.
I.
Posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 7:24:41
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle debacle » rainyday, posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 20:26:04
Man, I feel like a living soap opera. My T and I discussed this over the phone. We agreed that the circle was a safe place for me to have cried like that, but when people tried to comfort me, I was unable to feel deserving of their care. She still thinks that my tears are a release for me, even if I don't find relief immediately. It doesn't even feel draining - more like I am full, full of sadness that can't be yet named.
My p-doc wants me to hang in there medication wise until I see her Monday. I feel much, much better today. Even up to last night I had a very flat affect.
Posted by Ilene on April 29, 2004, at 11:06:38
In reply to Re: Wellness Circle the day after, posted by rainyday on April 29, 2004, at 7:24:41
> My p-doc wants me to hang in there medication wise until I see her Monday. I feel much, much better today. Even up to last night I had a very flat affect.
I'm glad you're feeling better! It's great when the meds finally work. Then you can start working on the rest of your life.
I.
This is the end of the thread.
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