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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KindGirl on May 15, 2004, at 1:37:59
Hey everyone,
I miss my t. because she is on vacation. I saw her last week and she gave me a little stuffed animal that she keeps on her desk to keep while she is gone. I told her I would take him everywhere I go and I have. That was her suggestion.Tonight I met with a group of ladies I used to hang out with and it was from my "pre therapy" days....in other words, total deniers....totally disconnected people...people from my old world. It was fine...I was able to keep a superficial conversation face on, but when I got in my car and saw the stuffed animal on the passenger seat I started sobbing.
My t. would say "this is real." The little stuffed animal is what is real because the little animal represents us...my relationship with t...what is true, what is real, that is where healing happens. Being disconnected and in denial is not real. But when I see that little toy I realize that my t. is not here, I really am alone, I really am in therapy, I really do have problems, I really was abused severely, I really need help, I really have no friends now....
Anyone have any thoughts or musings on why this little stuffed toy could have such an impact on me? I want to word this post carefully so I don't cross over into "social" because I know you guys and really feel safe here, even if I am posting off topic (I hope not). This IS a therapy issue because I am struggling with missing my t. and only having this representation here of her to hold until she gets back.
Thanks for listening. Now I am going to go cry myself to sleep. :(
Posted by Aphrodite on May 15, 2004, at 7:58:54
In reply to Miss my t. so much I want to curl up in a ball...., posted by KindGirl on May 15, 2004, at 1:37:59
I agree that your post belongs here as it relates to how you manage feelings about your therapist while she is away.
That said, I would think that it would be absolutely normal to react the way you did to the stuffed animal. (What a kind gesture on her part, by the way.) You were in a room full of people who didn't "get" you and who were incapable of relating to you or one another on a different level. Naturally, with all that in mind, the stuffed animal triggered your pain. You were missing the person in the world who probably understands you the most.
This might be a minor point or even a strange one, but what kind of animal is the stuffed animal? In Native American cultures and religions, as I understand it, different animals represent different things, and the universe tries to give you messages and symbols via animals. Why couldn't that work for the stuffed variety as well? :) You may find that a little "out there," but wouldn't it be cool if your animal meant comfort or peace or something like that?
Hang in there. You'll have to let her know how much her gesture meant to you.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 15, 2004, at 9:33:51
In reply to Re: Miss my t. so much I want to curl up in a ball » KindGirl, posted by Aphrodite on May 15, 2004, at 7:58:54
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I know you and your T have a strong bond, and that she provides a great deal of comfort for you. It makes sense, then, that something she gave you to remind her of you would hold such meaning.
I usually delete emails once I read them unless there is something there that I need to keep. But I never deleted an email from my T rescheduling an appt., because it's comforting to see his name there in my inbox. It always makes me smile.
We'll help you get through her vacation.
((((KindGirl)))
Take care,
gg
Posted by DaisyM on May 15, 2004, at 17:50:07
In reply to Re: Miss my t. so much I want to curl up in a ball, posted by gardenergirl on May 15, 2004, at 9:33:51
I think curling in a ball has its appeal sometimes.
I also know how tough it can be do "make nice" with people when you are doing all this hard work. Being open and wounded makes you so vulnerable to hurt. Plus, the energy it takes to have a conversation often makes me want to make ALL conversations "count." This can be isolating and overwhelming to my friends.
There is a place in everyone's life for "just" fun friends. Getting together with a group of people doesn't have to mean holding soul searching conversations. It could be a distraction that you need right now while she is away. I think we have to guard against therapy becoming our life, vs. having it help us have a better life. It is easier to do that sometimes with a group that knows nothing about your therapy.
Just a thought. I'm sorry you are hurting. She'll be back soon. Hang in there.
Posted by KindGirl on May 15, 2004, at 23:56:04
In reply to Re: Miss my t. so much I want to curl up in a ball, posted by DaisyM on May 15, 2004, at 17:50:07
My t. gave me a tiny stuffed bear. Not sure what that symbolizes.
I think you all bring up good points and I appreciate your sharing.
I don't think therapy is "my life" but I know it can be....it is a very strange dynamic with me because my t. really encourages me to concentrate more on my recovery than I do.
I am famous for being extremely active, extremely busy, have many acquaintances, and this is the first time in my life I really have nothing planned from day to day.
FYI...when I had a major confrontation with my main abuser (my mom) all of these "friends" I met with on Friday night basically vanished. They told me "the past is the past"..."let it go"..."just forgive her"....all major b.s.
These people are incapable of any conversation deeper than what they bought at the grocery store that day. Yep, these were the people I thought were important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BTW, my t. asked me if there was anything I could think of she could give me or do for me to help while she was gone. I said I thought it would be cool if she gave me something of hers to hold onto until she gets back. It could be a pencil for all I cared. She came up with the little bear. It is very cute, but I am thinking I need to just keep him in my car. It is getting too hard to stay connected while she is so far away from me.
Posted by shadows721 on May 16, 2004, at 3:40:43
In reply to Miss my t. so much I want to curl up in a ball...., posted by KindGirl on May 15, 2004, at 1:37:59
I feel that the stuffed animal may also represent the child still inside needing you now. You aren't alone. I am in a similiar position now too. I am starting to express feeling in t too. Remember the past doesn't have to dictate our future. I am so glad you have a wonderful therapist now to share these feelings. She will be back and you can share what you went through while she was away. I think crying helps clean out those bad feelings inside. Just because you don't have friends outside of babble, doesn't mean you can't have some in the future. I can be your babble friend:-)
Posted by KindGirl on May 16, 2004, at 17:30:17
In reply to Re: Miss my t. so much I want to curl up in a ball...., posted by shadows721 on May 16, 2004, at 3:40:43
nm
Posted by gardenergirl on May 22, 2004, at 7:48:08
In reply to Miss my t. so much I want to curl up in a ball...., posted by KindGirl on May 15, 2004, at 1:37:59
Posted by KindGirl on May 29, 2004, at 19:49:13
In reply to Kind Girl, How are you doing? (nm), posted by gardenergirl on May 22, 2004, at 7:48:08
I am not doing well at all. Thank you for asking. Struggling now more than ever in this depression....getting scared of the pain. Thanks again....sorry I have been silent. Don't feel like doing anything.:(
Posted by gardenergirl on May 30, 2004, at 11:30:45
In reply to Re: Kind Girl, How are you doing?, posted by KindGirl on May 29, 2004, at 19:49:13
KG,
I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. When is your T back from vacation? Hang onto that bear and know that you are not alone. If you feel up to it, please post and get some support here. If not, I'll send out loads of positive energy.((((KindGirl))))
gg
Posted by KindGirl on May 30, 2004, at 14:20:38
In reply to Re: Kind Girl, How are you doing?, posted by gardenergirl on May 30, 2004, at 11:30:45
Thanks GG,
My t is back from vacation. Something happened inside of me while she was gone and I found myself repulsed by that bear. I buried him under some papers in my car. I am obviously very immature in major ways inside, even though I am a successful business woman, wife and mother. It baffles my mind how I can function and yet be so damaged inside! And nobody knows the depth of it. Not even my t.I wrote my t. two very personal letters while she was gone, very revealing of my feelings about her, how much I miss her when she is gone, how I don't know how I could live without her...things I never would or could say before. She always is telling me that I need to depend on her and I am pseudo independent and my work in therapy is to lean on her and to need her.
One thing I wrote in the letter was about her holding me and how everyone here at Babble seemed to react negatively to it. Was it wrong that she is holding me? I asked. She brought that up in the session and said that there are probably very very few therapists who would do that and that she prayed about it and thought a lot about it when I asked. She said she was trying not to let her fears get in the way and she also reminded me that the person who molested me was touching me for his benefit and for his use. She said her touch is not that at all and that it is for me because I asked and for me because I need it. Because of a lot of stuff that happened to me as a baby...major neglect....I know deep inside I need it desperately. :(
She said there are clients she sees that won't shake hands or hug and she respects their boundaries with that. She said that she doesn't hold that many clients. Very few.
I don't know what it was about all of that dialogue that set me off, but it did. I guess I wanted her to say she holds me because she loves me and she wants to hold me. It sounded like she was doing it out of duty now...and I know that is not what is probably true, but that is how it landed on me.
And, a little after that discussion, she asked, "Would you like me to come over and sit by you?" (i.e. "hold you?"), and I know she is asking because I told her a few times that I will always want her to hold me but I am not always courageous enough to ask and I asked her to initiate it for me. Thankfully, she does every session. I hemmed and hawed around it...and then a few sentences later she asked again. She said I am torn inside because I want it and I don't want it. I know I need it, but I don't like needing it, and she is right.
So, that is what set me off on a major tailspin Thurs and Friday. I did get enough courage to call and leave her a message on her machine. I was not doing well at all last night and I called her in the afternoon. She called this morning and left me a message. I am just really screwed up inside and it is a huge mess in me. Most of the time I can manage it, but I didn't do that well this week.
You are extremely sweet and generous to reach out to me. God must have sent your post to me because I was feeling really lonely and scared. You helped me get through the past 2 days.
((((((((gg))))))
Thanks again. KG
Posted by antigua on May 30, 2004, at 18:58:13
In reply to thanks GG (might trigger at the end**), posted by KindGirl on May 30, 2004, at 14:20:38
I cn understand being the totally competent woman and burying the bear in your car. That's something I would do. I really don't like to need anyone and I get angry at myself when I realized I've counted on someone. I'm always waiting for them to disappoint, and they usually do, but that's probably because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your T sounds wonderful. I'm glad she's back. She will help you. And from my perspective it's clear that she does love you and is willing to give you what you need. I think it's part of showing how we love God through helping others.
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on May 31, 2004, at 13:56:38
In reply to thanks GG (might trigger at the end**), posted by KindGirl on May 30, 2004, at 14:20:38
KG -
I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about how you articulated the ongoing struggle of both sides of me.
When I have a crisis, I have lots of close contact with my Therapist. And I am OK with it in the moment. And it helps lessen the pain tremendously. But later, as I reflect on my behavior, I am disturbed by the intensity of my need and the strong wish to be taken care of. It is more than just being embarrassed about these little kid feelings. I'm disgusted with myself for spending so much time wishing for stuff that will not ever happen. And I believe, for me, it is the realization that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, that the person that everyone else sees is not truly me. And that frightens me a lot.
I feel like I'm living in a split universe. The daytime me who goes to work and actually gets things done, the mom who is taking care of her kids and the wife who is struggling to be a woman for her husband. The middle-of-the-night me is the emotionally messy me who is split into different parts and wants totally different things from the daytime me. This person wants to be immersed in therapy, to look at the pain and to try to sort it all out. I guess these are the younger parts of me.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm startled to see the adult woman looking back. I half expect to see a young girl...It is probably a good thing that there isn't a mirror in my Therapist's office!
I guess all of this is to let you know that you aren't alone with these feelings. I don't have the answer. But I think you are doing what you need to, to find your own answers. And you shouldn't feel bad about that. It actually takes strength to allow yourself to be held...don't underestimate how important surrender might be to your healing.
Take good care.
Daisy
Posted by KindGirl on May 31, 2004, at 20:57:22
In reply to You are not alone » KindGirl, posted by DaisyM on May 31, 2004, at 13:56:38
You articulated very well how I feel. The nights are hell. I wake up crying...feeling like a lost little kid...and I wonder how I pull it off in the day. Like you I feel split off all the time.
My t. called me back and said in her message that I want to appear strong and that I don't need her, but the truth is I DO need her and that is okay. She said I need to need her and I need to know I don't have to be strong.
I was thinking about what you said about calling your t. and being clingy...usually I call when I am right on the verge of a nervous breakdown (never had one but I think I am closel) and then after I hang up I think, 'You stupid freak! Leave her alone!" and what makes it worse is when she says she is "here for me" but I call and have to wait hours for her to call back.
Like you, I feel I am wanting the impossible. This woman is NOT my mother, will never be my mother...I will never be able to call her in the middle of the night when I am crying and sad and hear her voice. I have to suffer through the night all alone, like I have done my whole life.
She gave me a baby blanket for Christmas and a little pillow for my birthday and sometimes that will get me through the night. But then I wake up and think, 'You are WAY too old for a blankie. Get a grip.'
Anyway, thanks for sharing....everyone...it does help not to feel so alone.
((((daisy))))) ((((antigua)))))
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