![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
Hi, does anyone here ever have issues with how strange it is to have a close relationship with your therapist but not knowing much about their "real" life? The truth is that I actually know quite a lot because I ask a lot of questions. But still, I think about how I know NOTHING about her husband...someone she has been married to for almost 20 years...that he is obviously the most important person in her life (along with her children), and I know next to nothing about him or their relationship. And then I think, how can our relationship be close (which it is) when I don't even know anything about the person closest to her that she shares her life with?
I could probably ask her a few questions but I am not sure I want to because I also feel very jealous of him. So part of me doesn't want to know. Does anyone else here also feel jealous of their therapist's spouse? Not in an "in love" kind of a way, but in a way that he gets to be with her all the time and that they share their life/decisions/home/children together.
I will bring this up with her at one of our next meetings, but I still wanted to know if anyone else ever has either of these feelings?
LG
Posted by DissociativeJane on May 18, 2004, at 9:37:07
In reply to not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
I think of my therapist like I do my doctor or my dentist. They don't really talk about their personal lives however, they know every inch of your physical self.
I pay my therapist a fee and it is her responsibility to help me be well.
I don't really think getting involved in my therapist's personal life will benefit me.I will admit that I used to be curious about her but have come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter. She is a wonderful therapist and I am getting better.
Posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 9:56:08
In reply to not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
I'm not jealous of her. I figure I have the part of my therapist I want, and she's welcome to the rest. Outside of therapy, he's probably just a regular guy and a regular husband. No better than mine, though different.
In fact, I hope they are enormously and fabulously happy together so that he'll be happy too. He doesn't talk about her a lot, of course, because it's my therapy. And because he probably wants his privacy. But neither does he avoid mentioning her at all. It's sort of like the aquaintance level mentioning of spouse and family.
I'll admit though that the unequal exchange of information is a bit awkward. And it scares me that I won't know things that might affect the therapy until he chooses to mention them. I've gotten a lot better about that though, as his life settles down.
Posted by joslynn on May 18, 2004, at 11:14:07
In reply to not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
This is an interesting question.
My therapist is divorced. She has said that, and when I asked one time, she said her marriage was "difficult" and that even good marriages are a lot of work. She barely ever mentions it.
This little part of me wonders, since her marriage ended in divorce, how can she help me try to figure out who would be a good guy to marry...? But then I think, well, she has probably learned from her mistakes and sometimes, people can see patterns in other people's lives much better than in their own.
For example, I am NO relationship expert, but when my friends talk to me about relationship problems, they say I am a good listener and help them clarify what the issues are.
My pdoc is married. I was rather curious and jealous about his wife, then saw a picture of her (not via any clandestine methods). When I saw that she was not a gorgeous trophy wife, just a reasonably attractive, conservative-looking suburban woman, I lost a lot of that curiosity and envy.
Also, he spends more time with his patients (6 full days a week) than with his family, so in a way, the spouse could envy the clients. It could go both ways.
Ideally, I would like to find someone who seems to have a really solid, great marriage, someone maybe 10-20 years older than me, and glean what I can from them. My therp is divorced like I said, and if I had to guess, I would guess that pdoc is not in an overly happy marriage. Just a vibe I get.
I would like to find some sort of "relationship mentor" to give me a clue of how to find the right person and how to have a successful, happy marriage. My parents would NOT be the right mentors for this assignment!
Posted by gardenergirl on May 18, 2004, at 13:04:04
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by joslynn on May 18, 2004, at 11:14:07
I actually don't want to know much about his real life. One of my classmates is his supervisee, and she mentioned something once about his playing in a band. I stopped her and said, "No more! Blank slate, blank slate!" For some reason, I really want to keep him kind of blank that way, unless I ask him something. Although as I type this, it could be that I am afraid if I know more I will get too close. Hmmmmmm.
Good question.
gg
Posted by babbgal on May 18, 2004, at 13:26:52
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by gardenergirl on May 18, 2004, at 13:04:04
I don't know anything about my psychiatrist's life, except that he's a couple years younger than me and I kid him about that every so often; we just laugh about it. He doesn't wear a wedding ring, and he's never mentioned a girlfriend/wife/significant other. The only thing "personal" we talk about is that we both love fine dining and restaurants (I don't even remember how we discovered this about each other) and we'll chat about good places we've been to. My T. and my psychiatrist share a handful of patients and teleconference about their common patients once a week, and my T. has commented that me and my psychiatrist have a very warm and caring relationship.
Regarding my T. ... I once walked into his office (which he shares with another T.) and saw a picture of a golden retriever. (I love animals.) I said, "Oh! Is that your dog?" He kind of shook his head and said he wouldn't comment if it was, it was his job to maintain a blank slate. (Though I got the impression the picture was of the other T.'s dog) However, in our lighter moments, he has mentioned that in his spare time, he is involved with a singing group, and we will often banter about cultural topics such as composers, musicals, movies, books, etc. So, I know little about my T.'s "real life," but he is not a "closed book" to me, either.
Posted by Speaker on May 18, 2004, at 14:01:05
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by babbgal on May 18, 2004, at 13:26:52
I only know a bit about my T because I found it on the net before I went to him. He laughed when I told him I goolged him and then he did it to find out what was there.
I do feel odd that I don't know more about my T but for a different reason that seems to be the normal. I was single for several years after the death of my husband and I am very careful about my thought life. When my T told me I should take him with me when I leave his office I blurted out "how can I when I don't even know your wife's name"...He showed a bit of shock on his face! But to protect myself from unhealthy thoughts I tend to picture "off limit" men with their spouses...I know probably a bit odd but it works for me.
I am trying to work though all of that with him and I seem to be doing ok...but for me a bit of disclosure would feel safer.
Posted by Speaker on May 18, 2004, at 14:08:56
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by joslynn on May 18, 2004, at 11:14:07
Joslynn,
I think your idea of a relationship mentor is great. I do mentoring for young girls at my church and I love talking to them about marriage and relationships. My first husband died and I have only been married again for a few years so I don't feel to far removed from the dating world and its difficulties. If you attend a church it would be worth checking with the staff there to find out if someone you admire would be willing to be a mentor. If you don't attend a church just look around to other women in your life who you think have good marriages and ask one of them. Most people I talk with would be willing to do this but don't even know where to go to find this type relationship. When I was young I always wanted and "older woman" in my life...finally one day when I was coloring my hair I realized I needed to be the older women in someone elses life:)...other than just my daughters. My daughter is 24 now and she has a high school girl she mentors. We all need that!!!
You are very WISE :)!
Posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 17:33:39
In reply to not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
I am one of those people who others naturally divulge things to. I genuinely care and ask questions, but I am very reserved myself. I'm outgoing, but I don't talk about my personal life. In every relationship, I know more about the other person than they do about me, and I like that just fine.
But . . . I hate it, hate it, hate it in this therapy relationship. It's not that I want or need to know all about him, but the scales are tipped, and I am the open book. I hate the one-sidedness of it all. However, he seems willing to talk about himself. I'm used to asking people questions to engage them in conversation, but it's not appropriate in this situation. (I slip a lot, though.)
It will never be equal, and I hate things that are out of whack like that.
Posted by tterees on May 18, 2004, at 17:51:01
In reply to not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
I once asked my therapist why the therapeutic relationship is so one sided. He said that therapy was about and for ME. If we met and spoke the same way I do with friends and family, then I wouldn't need to see him. In a way, I agree with DissociativeJane. I say in a way, because I am so curious about my T. Have all these "not real" feelings for him. Not real because they really are not for him, how could they be? I know nothing about him. It's like watching Brad Pitt in a movie, and thinking "Oh, I just love him!" (I don't really like Brad Pitt, but if I said James Marsters, who would know who I was talking about?) My T helps me, but so does my dentist.
Posted by DaisyM on May 18, 2004, at 19:19:17
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 17:33:39
A -
I know that "hate, hate, hate" feeling. It has taken me forever to not stop after a session and think, "oh gee, I forgot to ask him how his weekend went" or whatever. I hate that it is all about me. In fact, I've even gone in and said, "you talk today." But then of course, we have to figure out why I don't want to talk today.
It would be worse, I think, if you asked questions that they refused to answer. He's only done that to me once, and there was a really, really good reason for it. It was still hard.
Posted by DaisyM on May 18, 2004, at 19:24:31
In reply to not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
I think the feelings are totally normal. How long have you been seeing your Therapist? As some point, I think we get comfortable enough to realize that we are connected in this strange, lopsided way. And I think there is a wide range of disclosure.
I know the basics about my Therapist -- married, grown kids, wife's a therapist, how long in practice, that he is a Cancer, etc. I know a few hobbies and what kind of car he drives...basic details. But last week I had a dream that he wanted me to pack for him to go away on vacation. He gave me a list of things like CDs, and car snacks. But I didn't know how to pack because didn't know what he liked.
I haven't told him about the dream yet, your post reminded me of it. I'll let you know what he says...
I'd like to know what yours says too, when you bring it up, if you want to share. It is interesting to think about.
Posted by LG04 on May 19, 2004, at 15:17:26
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life » LG04, posted by DaisyM on May 18, 2004, at 19:24:31
Lots of interesting responses. Therapy relationships really differ one from another. I am going to see mine tomorrow and I have a million things to talk to her about but I want to bring up the question about how we can be so close if I don't know about those who are so important to her, etc. I'll tell you her response. (assuming there's time for me to get to this question tomorrow)
Daisy, I read the Dependency piece you recommended. It was very good and helped me to understand a lot about myself and my relationship with her, and especially about why it would be so painful if I decide to leave. Thank you. I gave it to my therapist to read. I keep forgetting to ask her if she's finished it (i know she started it). She spends so much time on me (phone calls, twice a week sessions at 1 1/2 hours almost each time, emails a few times a week that i send her) that I feel like it's nervy of me to give her reading assignments too! Though she never complains...and usually she thanks me.
It took me a long time to ask my therapist the first question about herself. Months and months. I remember how nervous I was when I wanted to ask her something about herself for the first time. (even many times after that) Now I'm not nervous at all for the most part, depending upon the question I want to ask. For me, it was/is about getting closer, and about knowing her as more than a blank slate. But sometimes I want to leave her as she is...I don't want her to be more real to me. I need her to be the mother figure or whatever else. We've talked about it, and she is okay with whatever I need her to be at the moment. Still, I imagine her a lot with her kids and at home, etc.
I remember when I asked her and she told me where she is from. I was so upset...I imagined her to be from somewhere else and it ruined it for me. For some reason, it was a big deal. But after I got over it, I was glad to know.
I also ask her "inside" questions...does she cry a lot, does she ever get jealous of people and if so about what things, etc. I think it's because I never had "twinning" with my mom (from the "In Session" book) and I crave it, the feeling of belonging to a womanhood and am I normal and what do other women experience emotionally, etc.
Anyway it's an interesting topic, in my opinion.
LG
Posted by rockymtnhi on May 20, 2004, at 11:52:44
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 19, 2004, at 15:17:26
Hello,
I am new here. Been lurking for a week or so. Everyone seems so supportive of one another.
Would you mind telling me what "Dependency" book Daisy referred to?
Thank you.
Posted by lonelygirl on May 20, 2004, at 12:48:32
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by rockymtnhi on May 20, 2004, at 11:52:44
Welcome, rockymtnhi (may I call you Rocky?)! I believe the "Dependency" piece was an article Daisy referenced here:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040409/msgs/337506.htmlThe article is called "Dependency in the Treatment of
Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
and Dissociative Disorders" and can be found at:http://www.trauma-pages.com/steele-2001.htm
Hope this helps!
Posted by rockymtnhi on May 20, 2004, at 17:02:54
In reply to Re: not knowing about your therapist's real life » rockymtnhi, posted by lonelygirl on May 20, 2004, at 12:48:32
Thank you, lonelygirl. I appreciate it!
Posted by shadows721 on May 20, 2004, at 22:54:13
In reply to not knowing about your therapist's real life, posted by LG04 on May 18, 2004, at 7:33:16
When I first started therapy, it felt weird. I have never had anyone really listen to me in my life. But, I never really wanted to know about them, because that would take me off the focus of my therapy. I don't really want to know anything too, because I might start finding fault or think they are a weirdo. So, I play it safe and never ask a thing.
Also, the cash issue is big for me. I am not going to right a check to someone for $90 to hear about their marital problems. I would feel totally ripped off.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.