![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 32. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on May 21, 2004, at 16:52:06
If you've been following my posts this week you might already know that the topics for therapy have been sex and meds. And urgency and anxiety. Ick.
Today is a very bad day. I've been suffering all morning, splitting completely between my adult self and my child self. I stayed home from work, which I almost never do. And I talked to my Therapist for 45 minutes on the phone, mostly just crying my eyes out about being back in this painful remembering place. He talked to the adult me for a while and then to the kid me. We talked about "her" and about this tantrum she is having and why. He wants me to journal what I'm feeling in the aftermath of these discussions, allowing both voices out. I'm supposed to try to not put her away because he promised she would have time to talk to him on Monday. I'd love some input on how everyone else journals. Do you ever write in two voices? I'd also like to know if talking about sex with your Therapist has triggered off a split or other emotions. Or talking about meds. I guess maybe I just want someone to talk back to me about what is going on. And I'm sorry I'm writing out all these long things. I don't want to just journal to me right now. Please be patient.
So this is what has been happening, and why I think "she" is out so strongly right now.
I initiated the talking about sex conversation. It wasn't as hard to do as I thought it would be. He asked all the questions in the right way and kept it light in the right moments. I was, of course, curled up on the couch, feet tucked up, pillows in lap, in a defensive posture. But I felt very, very safe and was able to really look at how the past is effecting the present. It was basically a two day discussion, which included how I get emotionally flooded after sex and feel so alone and awful. And how sad that is. Yesterday we talked more about the middle of the night. How I wake up and feel so alone and lost and scared. We talked about the triggers and flashbacks. He thinks I should talk to my MD about sleeping pills, he thinks they would help. He said he is worried about me not coping well when I'm tired. We also talked about depression and what being depressed means. He said I'm so borderline that he isn't sure what ADs will do for me. He was frank about his concern that they will get in the way of feeling what I need to feel. Plus he thinks I might run from therapy if the meds make me feel better, even thought I still have a lot of work to do. I told him there were some new memories but I wasn't ready to talk about them. And I thought sleeping more was a great idea.
Last night I was totally feeling hurt and abandoned. I kept trying to understand these feelings. My kidself was really tantruming basically telling me our discussion of medications made her feel like she should stay asleep and not bother anyone else. with her pain. She doesn't want to be silenced nor anesthetized. She doesn't trust me to take care of her because I keep putting her away. She has a lot to say. She wants to talk about these new memories, she doesn't care of "I'm" ready. She's tired of waiting behind the mountain of work.
When I talked on the phone with my Therapist this morning, he totally acknowledged what she was feeling. He said he completely understood why she was so upset. That she had ever right to tantrum, she had been silenced her whole life. And that for now, I should stop struggling with the "me, her, us" questions and just let her have her own voice. And let her need him. And he talked to her for a while directly, which was really weird but very soothing.
So, I'm supposed to keep it all together until Monday afternoon, even with her out. And call him if I need him. And write, write, write. So, I'm trying.
Posted by Racer on May 21, 2004, at 19:18:35
In reply to Survival Homework (long), posted by DaisyM on May 21, 2004, at 16:52:06
Posted by Speaker on May 21, 2004, at 22:40:07
In reply to You've got mail (not on topic, I don't think) (nm) » DaisyM, posted by Racer on May 21, 2004, at 19:18:35
Daisy,
Wow, what a hard day! I'm glad you stayed home and took care of yourself. Please call your T if you need to...remember he said you could. I too am working on some past pains that have been put away for so long...it is soooooooooooo hard. You will be in my thoughts. I hope we connect in open.
Marie
Posted by gardenergirl on May 21, 2004, at 22:56:28
In reply to Re: You've got mail (not on topic, I don't think), posted by Speaker on May 21, 2004, at 22:40:07
Daisy,
What hard stuff you are dealing with now. I'm glad you were able to take the day off, and that you see your T on Monday. Like Speaker said, please call your T if it gets too hard over the weekend. That is what he is for. And try to listen to your little Daisy if you can. She does have important things to say. Think about what you would do if your son threw a tantrum. How would you soothe him enough to let him talk about what he needs?I think journalling is an excellent idea when you are ready. I have had a client before journal with different "voices" for her head, her heart, and her gut. Essentially, these symbolized her thinking, her feeling, and her behavior parts. She used different color ink for each part, and sometimes they dialoged with each other, sometimes it was just monologues that were unrelated. She found it to be really helpful, and I do believe it helped her do work outside of sessions and to cope when difficult emotions or triggering situations came up.
Whatever works for you, whether it is posting here, calling your T, journalling, pampering both of you, please know that you are in my thoughts, and I'm sending out as much supportive energy your way as I can.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Aphrodite on May 22, 2004, at 8:09:51
In reply to Survival Homework (long), posted by DaisyM on May 21, 2004, at 16:52:06
(((Daisy)))
Sounds like you've accomplished a lot. I'm glad talking about sex was not as difficult as you had anticipated. But yes, little Daisy is now front and center.
When my therapist first brought up the inner child work and methods for soothing her, I found it very difficult to do just in my head. So, I started doing it through writing. I would write to her and ask her questions, and she would answer. I found it very insightful and was shocked by the things she wrote back. (BTW, I love GG's idea about the different colors.) She needs to be out this weekend; I hope you can listen to her and resist the urge to put her away.
It sounds like you're making lots of progress, lots of painful progress. I'll be thinking about you this weekend.
Posted by Dinah on May 22, 2004, at 23:26:30
In reply to Survival Homework (long), posted by DaisyM on May 21, 2004, at 16:52:06
> My kidself was really tantruming basically telling me our discussion of medications made her feel like she should stay asleep and not bother anyone else. with her pain.
Right before and after and during sleep is when our defenses are their lowest, and when the more "unconscious" or hidden areas of our minds get to play. I can always tell best what I'm feeling if I pay attention as I go to sleep and wake up.
Maybe that's her time. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to sleep. Needs must be balanced and compromises made. Maybe trade therapy time for her for sleep for you?
I've never bought the argument that medications reducing suffering is bad. I can see not medicating yourself out of your mind. But suffering is not necessarily a virtue. Can't you try for a nice balance? Enough that your pain is manageable? Enough that you can tolerate exploratory therapy without losing your ability to function?
Of course, only you and your mental health professionals can determine what's best for you. But I find therapy works best when I'm not terrified of falling apart between sessions. Optimum frustration.
Posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 14:24:48
In reply to Survival Homework (long), posted by DaisyM on May 21, 2004, at 16:52:06
Hi Daisy, You have a big burden til tomorrow. Yet the pay off may be worth it. You may feel much better. I think that is why your T. wants to keep 'her' out. How is your journaling going? Do you have a pdoc? Meds help us borderlines to some degree, but what happens is not that you cannot feel your emotions, but that you cannot think your thoughts. I feel a little better on meds, but not great. Pleaase let us know how tomorrow goes. terrics
Posted by pegasus on May 23, 2004, at 14:34:08
In reply to Survival Homework (long), posted by DaisyM on May 21, 2004, at 16:52:06
Daisy, thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. I always learn so much from your descriptions of your therapy sessions. I really appreciate how thoughtful you are about your internal experience, and how wonderfully your therapist manages everything that comes up. It's inspiring from both sides.
I hope that you are making it through the weekend ok, and that your session tomorrow goes well. I'm sending lots of positive energy and good wishes your way.
pegasus
Posted by DaisyM on May 23, 2004, at 19:21:47
In reply to Re: Survival Homework (long) » DaisyM, posted by terrics on May 23, 2004, at 14:24:48
This is the longest weekend of my life. I haven't written very much. I think I'm still worried about what is going to come through my fingers. I've been coping by trying to keep busy in other ways: I cleaned the WHOLE refrig, did the laundry, cleaned the house and sorted through my computer files. I also went to see Shrek II with my kids and my oldest moved home today for part of the summer from University.
In a weird way, Friday seems like a long time ago. Like it happened to someone else, or was a dream. I found myself wondering if my Therapist was real yesterday, or just some imaginary character that I invented or read a story about. When I'm alone, I feel so sad and lost. I think that is the kid part of me still hanging around. We've got a quiet truce going on...the pain comes and goes in waves.
I feel like I was sick and am now in that weak, recovering phase. Tears show up uninvited and unexpectedly. I'm not thinking to clearly and can't stay present for conversations. Scrabble was a disaster last night.
I keep imagining myself going to therapy tomorrow and saying, "I'm really sorry about the melt down on Friday. I wasn't myself. But I'm better now, I've got control over myself again." Think he'll let that fly?? Somehow, I doubt it. But I really don't know what to say about the whole episode.
Thanks for all the support you guys. I've reread your posts probably 20 times. They help hold me together in the hard moments and ground me. ((Babblers))
Posted by fallsfall on May 24, 2004, at 8:32:29
In reply to Re: Surviving, posted by DaisyM on May 23, 2004, at 19:21:47
Surviving is critically important. So you did a really good job this weekend since you survived.
Don't feel bad about not writing a lot. The writing was suggested as a way of assisting in your survival. If you found that NOT writing helped your survival more, then that is fine.
No, he won't let that fly ("I'm really sorry about the melt down on Friday. I wasn't myself. But I'm better now, I've got control over myself again."). I understand why you would like to say that, but you know that it will keep coming back until you deal with it.
(((((Daisy)))))
I wish I had been around this weekend to support you...
Falls.
Posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 0:47:15
In reply to Re: Surviving, posted by DaisyM on May 23, 2004, at 19:21:47
I know you are all probably sick of this saga but i thought I'd at least update things.
Therapy today was really hard but soooo very helpful. I went in with full throttle anxiety and we talked about floating away on Friday. I told him how scary it was and how i was really still afraid of what my kidself needed to say. My Therapist reminded me that he had promised her that she could talk to him today so he wanted to hear what she had to say if I could find the words. I struggled a lot but finally did let her talk to him. I told him I was still so uncomfortable with talking about myself in parts and I didn't know why I needed to verbalize what she wanted us to know. He said she wanted a witness to all her pain and all she had been through. He said we had a lot of work to do but we were doing it. All of us together. That the lesson here was that we can't ignore all she has to say just because I'm busy with work.
I was a wreck, so of course, he wants me to come back tomorrow. And, yes, I was conflicted about agreeing to come again. But I think I need to this time, to stay grounded and calm things down. There are still some big things to sort through, many of them I know will be hard to say and painful. He promised that no matter what comes up, he will handle it and he won't leave. He also talked about safety again and how we can call "me" back when I feel too far away.
I researched trauma therapy this weekend and we seem to be doing it right. Go slow is the advice. But when you do get flooded and the memories don't slow down, then what do you do? Some of the
recommendations include extensive contact with a therapist, a support team, or even short term hospital stays. I find all of this terrifying. I know I need to talk to him more about this. I just never expected to fall apart like this. Again, research says this is common, that part of healing is experiencing the feelings that were stuffed at the time of trauma, not just remembering in an intellectual way.It is hard to remember that I'm making a choice to work through all of this. Somehow it feels like it has chosen me.
Thanks again for all of the ongoing support. I love you guys!
Posted by Speaker on May 25, 2004, at 3:18:01
In reply to Therapy today, posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 0:47:15
Daisy,
I'm glad you were able to work so hard today. It is an awful feeling and yet its good to know you are doing hard work and headed toward healing. I'm so glad you are going back to your T so soon. I think you have the best T...lets start a survey on that :). Well, blessings to you ((((Daisy))))
Marie
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 25, 2004, at 8:14:23
In reply to Therapy today, posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 0:47:15
I am doing the same kind of therapy that you are. My analyst considers me to have dissociated emotional states- a pretty normal adult one, and a truly terrified and distrustful child one or ones. This isn't DID, but is on the same spectrum- just milder. When I realized that he was really serious about these different parts of me, I was horrified, and felt shocked and helpless. I think it is the hardest work in the world to do, but every time I go we do a little bit. and it is really helping. I fell apart pretty badly, too, and have increased my sessions to as many as four a week, as the child parts tend to feel abandonned and withdrawn if I go less often.
I feel so lucky to have found an analyst who is really experienced with dissociation, and knows how to work with it. Knowing how good he is with it allows me to show him parts of me I've never shown anyone- and that I barely knew I had. Your therapist sounds just as wonderful- in general- and for dissociation in particular. i don't know if there are all that many therapists who work in this way. I am sure you will eventually feel so much better, and will be so glad you did it. I'm cheering for you (and hope you'll do the same for me!)
Posted by gardenergirl on May 25, 2004, at 9:22:49
In reply to Therapy today, posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 0:47:15
Daisy,
I'm so proud of you. It sounds tremendously difficult, what you are doing. I can see how it would feel like a runaway train and that you are a helpless passenger. But you're not. And you are not alone on that train.I'm glad you did some research. It must be comforting to know that you are on the right track, however painful it might be.
Think of all of us as being just in the next car on the train if it helps. Your little girl can play with my inner child when she needs a break. :)
((((Daisy))))
Take care,
gg
Posted by Dinah on May 25, 2004, at 10:06:40
In reply to Therapy today, posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 0:47:15
Daisy, believe me when I say I know how disconcerting and scary and difficult it is. I used to sit there almost crying afterwards.
But I've also found it extremely helpful. There's a lot of pressure and pain locked up inside when I ignore that aspect of myself, and I feel so much better and more functional long term for being able to use the pressure valve of my therapist. Overall I feel so much better now than I did before.
Posted by Aphrodite on May 25, 2004, at 14:37:34
In reply to Therapy today, posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 0:47:15
Yes, this probably did choose you. I think things can only be contained and ignored for so long, and then something out of the blue brings it up, and this time, it cannot be ignored.
I know that I can recount all the abuse in a factual way without feeling anything. That's my defense. The feelings manifest themselves when I'm alone or in the middle of the night or when I'm driving -- it can be so intense. Much better to be in a safe environment like your therapist's office.
How do you contain your feelings after a session? Since I feel like I'm "right behind you" in this process, I'm very curious. I'm frightened about actually having to feel this pain from childhood all over again to heal.
As for the things you researched that help in this process, you do have frequent contact with your therapist; do you have a support system? (I hope we Babblers count!) I would imagine that if he doesn't recommend meds, he wouldn't recommend a hospital stay at this point.
Sorry you're having to go through so much, but I think you're very brave to do so. Take care.
Posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 15:05:29
In reply to Re: Therapy today » DaisyM, posted by Pfinstegg on May 25, 2004, at 8:14:23
It helps me to hear you say that sometimes you need to go as much as 4x in a week. I never thought about it as the child state wanting to go but that makes total sense of this constant struggle I have about wanting to go and not wanting to be "that" needy. My Therapist did something yesterday that he rarely does -- he actual took charge at the end of the session. He had asked me if I wanted to come back today and I told him yes and no. He said, "I think you SHOULD come back, I think you NEED to come back and I WANT you to come tomorrow." I felt this profound sense of relief and agreed. I think the child part of me, who is so out right now, really wanted an adult to be in charge and do the right thing. So I know what you mean by allowing more of yourself out because of how they deal with it all.
Of course I'm cheering for you. I hope we can learn from each other as we share our struggles. I'm interested in how you do a little bit at a time. I seem to do it in clumps. Do you find journaling helps?
Posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 15:08:27
In reply to Re: Therapy today, posted by Speaker on May 25, 2004, at 3:18:01
Marie,
I'd agree with you but then again, I'm biased! :)
It is nice to be included in someone's prayers. \
It is hard to do this work and still have to handle life -- which I know you know. I was complaining yesterday that therapy was taking over my life and he put it in perspective by saying, "you come to therapy 3 hours per week. The rest of the time you are living your life and coping." *sigh* I guess it just feels that way.
Posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 15:13:43
In reply to Re: Therapy today » DaisyM, posted by gardenergirl on May 25, 2004, at 9:22:49
I'm blessed to have your ongoing support. I love the idea of all our inner little girls playing together on a train. What a group they would be!
It is nice to be able to express some of this because it feels so "out there" sometimes. I think knowing I'm not the only one is really, really helpful. And talking in "real time" has been helping me more than you know too.
I wish I could say I was done needing you...but I know better. So hang in there with me, K?
Posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 19:35:03
In reply to Choosing you, posted by Aphrodite on May 25, 2004, at 14:37:34
A -
You ask some really hard questions. The first time I told my Therapist about the abuse was 4 months after we started together. It came out with lots of feelings. But the prior 4 months had been spent making having feelings OK for me and giving me a vocabulary about feelings. And he told me over and over and over again that YOU CAN'T CONTROL FEELINGS! I really wanted to control how they came up and what they were attached to. So maybe you start with "just" feeling your feelings and not being the CEO in charge of your feelings. I'll also tell you that one of my first posts here was how to avoid getting whammied by feelings AFTER therapy, instead of during the session. It took me practice and my Therapist learning how to question me about my feelings to get past this. (He watches me closely, and gets pushy - "don't edit. Tell me what you're feeling" or "where did you just go, what just came up?")As far as containment goes, I don't do it very well sometimes (like right now). It helps to journal or write emails. I channel the anxiety into cleaning things, or organizing things. When I have too much time by myself I can get overwhelmed. And I talk to my Therapist a ton, either on the phone or in person. We sometimes just do 10 minutes check in calls because he knows I don't have very many places to be completely honest about how I'm feeling. And it is reassuring somehow to know he is still out there if I did need him.
I discovered today that part of my anxiety is that he won't like me anymore once he knows all of the really ugly details. So I don't want my younger-self blabbing it all out. We talked about this for a long time, about shame and fault and guilt. And how it doesn't matter how many times people tell you "it is never the child's fault". That statement is really hard to believe when you apply it to yourself. And it *is* hard to feel all those feelings and know how hard the struggle was between loving your parents and hating what was happening.
Maybe you can tell, I intellectualized a lot today. I needed to understand some more of what we were trying to do and why it was important to do it. The intensity of yesterday's feelings made me feel bruised and cautious of bringing back the hurt. And I'm always worried about overwhelming my Therapist with too many hard sessions in a row. He did comment on this, and he said he was worried that I was shutting my kidself off again. So we have a plan for tomorrow, which includes not avoiding talking about some of the actual events, if I can find the words. And we talked about the holiday on Monday and what therapy might look like for the next few weeks. (meaning going lots and lots) I always do better with a plan.
wow, this got long. Sorry 'bout that. I don't even know if it is helpful. Keep asking your questions. There are lots of people besides me who can help you with this.
And yes, Babble is a huge part of my support team and totally counts! :)
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 25, 2004, at 22:26:37
In reply to Re: Therapy today » Pfinstegg, posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 15:05:29
Hi Daisy...actually, we do it in clumps, too, and I don't know what's going to happen when. But, as I get used to the child selves, we (analyst and me) kind of know together what needs doing, and so we try to address it every time; sometimes we just go over stuff we've already talked about, which even so brings on very powerful feelings, which we can work on. Then suddenly new stuff comes flooding out. Some just did today, and I feel so much better, for now.
I do journal a lot, and I do use the different parts, either talking to one another, or to him. I seem to have an infant self, who did not in fact have a mother, so her feelings are mainly of loneliness and longing. Then there is a six-year old girl who was physically and sexually abused by her father; her feelings are principally fear, rage and shame. My analyst asks me to write things "just for him", and I do that a lot, too. That really helps, as i can write things I might not say, and then we can get them into the dialogue. He emphasizes that he wants all the parts to trust him enough to talk freely, and when he feels a particular one is speaking to him, he will speak directly to her, just like yours does. I've got quite a long way to go, however. The adult part trusts him completely (and also likes him a lot!), but the child selves are still very suspicious and wary. With us, there is almost never any phoning, as I have the idea that is for real emergencies, such as getting hospitalized. He actually prefers treating people with the most serious problems, so I assume he has a lot who are suicidal. He says that he checks his phone every half hour, after hours, so I know he is available.
When I write this down, I wonder how I ever managed to grow up, marry a great guy, go to grad school, have a carreer I really liked, and also have a wonderful son. I guess the answer is dissociation! For some reason, my defences came crashing down
several years ago, and all of this is causing me much more distress than it did previously, when I think I was mainly intent on NOT thinking about any of it.It's a tremendous help and support to me to hear what you have to say about your therapy, as we seem to be dealing with very similiar things. I also appreciated your book suggestions, and ordered one of them.
Posted by DaisyM on May 26, 2004, at 13:12:40
In reply to Re: Therapy today » DaisyM, posted by Pfinstegg on May 25, 2004, at 22:26:37
<<<<When I write this down, I wonder how I ever managed to grow up, marry a great guy, go to grad school, have a carreer I really liked, and also have a wonderful son. I guess the answer is dissociation! For some reason, my defences came crashing down several years ago, and all of this is causing me much more distress than it did previously, when I think I was mainly intent on NOT thinking about any of it.
>>>>That is exactly what is happening to me! I thought so much of my life successes were "inspite of" what happened. In fact, I pretty much had compartmentalized the abuse to a small time frame and a "few" incidences. We've spent a lot of time in therapy talking about why it is all coming out now, so I think I have a handle on that part. What continues to surprise me is how much I didn't have active memories of. I would have told you that I was choosing not to think about it but I would never have said I didn't know exactly what happened to me. But I had no idea of the extent of it. And what I really didn't know was how badly I wanted my mom to see what was happening and save me.And it surprises me how painful that realization is. I think that is the youngest part of my kid self -- missing her mother and really needing her to make it all better. Sometimes I still want that. Which is why I often look to see if I am developing some kind of maternal transference with my Therapist. I don't know whether this would be good or bad. I'm just kind of watching out for it. I know it happened at least once, he described me as "metaphorically clinging to him desperately" which was a pretty accurate description of how I felt at the time. I'm lucky that he was totally OK with this and made himself ultra-available until it eased off. And then helped me not feel bad about the neediness.
Thank you for sharing so much. I hope we can keep talking about this. It helps tremendously.
Posted by Speaker on May 26, 2004, at 14:32:50
In reply to Re: Therapy today, posted by DaisyM on May 26, 2004, at 13:12:40
Diasy,
Thanks for posting all of this. I would really like to have the titles of the books you have recomended in the past...I think I read that in other posts. I am not as far as you...I get soooo mad when my T. brings up the little girl in me! When he says I need him, I say I don't - I just need to know what he knows and I would be fine. I get very twisted up inside when that part that has been split off creeps out since it seems to bring a lot of emotion with it and I HATE that. I have gone through all the losses and accidents in my life with my emotions private and now its just there...ick! Reading your posts and you guys being open and talking about the little girls in you getting together and playing makes a word picture that I can almost tolerate. I may even be bold enough to bring it up in therapy.
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 26, 2004, at 16:04:25
In reply to Re: Therapy today, posted by DaisyM on May 26, 2004, at 13:12:40
Just a word about the transference- I think the more intense a transference we can have with our therapists, the better. In the beginning of my therapy with my present analyst, he said, "I hope you will have as intense an experience as possible here with me". There are so many parts to it: the baby girl without a mother has a very intense transference filled with longing for closeness and connection- she can never get enough of that! When he (or I) go away for a few days, she reacts when the sessions resume by doubting that he is really there in the room with her; she feels detached and miserable, and it takes her quite a few days to thaw out and feel at least semi-secure again. The young girl alternates between cautious attachment and outright rage. Yesterday, she said that she felt like cutting his penis off with a knife. He laughed in a sort of accepting, sympathetic way, but then said, "there are some men who should have them cut off; I think you feel your father deserved that as retaliation for what he had done to you." That helped the girl feel more trusting- that he understood her need for revenge so well. I'm afraid I may have been a bit too graphic here, but these are the realities of my therapy. I think it is such a gift from one's therapist to be so willing and able to accept ALL of our feelings, from murderous and vengeful to utter need and dependence.
Posted by DaisyM on May 26, 2004, at 19:48:54
In reply to Re: Therapy today » DaisyM, posted by Speaker on May 26, 2004, at 14:32:50
Speaker,
I hope you can bring it up in therapy. I totally understand that defense of "just tell me what you know, think and recommend and I'll go do it." But the truth is, my younger self just wants to be heard. She wants someone to KNOW how she FELT, not just know what happened. She wants to be sad, and scared and angry. And she wants to express her shame and how responsible she feels. So it wouldn't matter what I know, it is what she wants to say.
I can't even begin to tell you my struggle with acknowledging this. I yoyo between trying to understand these inner voices and feelings and just letting her tell the actual events. I keep checking this way of describing things out with my Therapist, because it still feels so odd to me to talk about myself in pieces and parts. He tells me to stop struggling with that. It is OK. I'm not getting worse and I'm not DID. It is a form of splitting, so he thinks it makes perfect sense that there is a young girl frozen by trauma.
Today was sooo very hard. I knew it was her turn to talk and I knew what she wanted to say. But I didn't think I could hear it. My Therapist helped a lot because he said, "she wants me to know. And I can handle it. And I'll help you hear it too." So she told him. And we all cried. First time he has ever had to hand me the tissue! (And, yes, I apologized for crying...I can't seem to not do that.)
And then he put me back together so I could face the world. I feel like I'm wearing a sign that everyone can see: "therapy basketcase here" but he reassures me that they can't.
As far as needing him goes, maybe YOU don't but your youngerself does. It actually helped me to accept this part, because somehow these intense feelings feel young and seem much more appropriate for a wounded young girl. But I cringed each and everytime he would verbalize my need for him, or my fear about him leaving. But the need to talk about it and get reassurance won out over the pride part of the adult.
Hang in there. Let me know how it goes. And of course you can come and play with us. Bring your jump rope.
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