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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
Like I said before, I seem to put "trigger" on everything.
For anyone who has suffered from csa: have you ever told your own children about it? If so, how old were they? how did you tell them?
Sometimes I think it would be good for my children to know so they would understand why I have my ups and downs, but at this point I still think maybe it's better they don't know. They do know that we don't talk about my father very much (and there are no pictures of him around--my husband's choice, not mine) but I just wonder if anyone else has dealt with this yet.
thanks,
antigua
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 13:33:36
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
I haven't experieced CSA, but a lot of physical, emotional, and neglect in my childhood. I have told my kids why they can't see grandma and that she was a very mean bad mother to me and hurt me badly and that we need to stay away from her to protect them. I have always been very truthful with my kids, and they trust me. They don't know the details, but they know about the abuse. They are 9 and 10yrs old.
Plus I needed to tell them in order to protect them in case my mother showed up at my door again or if we run into her out in the public. At home we basically treat it like a tornado drill , they go down in the basement until I say it is safe to come up. I also have a panic button on my home security system. They know how to use it also. I keep the the system on all the time. In the summer, they don't play in the front yard alone.
My mom is dangerous and carries a gun, and I know it is scary for my kids, but i would rather have them a little afraid then for them to trust her and allow her to abduct them easiely. I carry pepper spray with me at all times and have some stashed around the house. You gotta be safe with all those crazy people out there.
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 13:38:21
In reply to Re: CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 13:33:36
I also have it stated in my will that under no circumstances, my mother is to have any contact with them at all and I say why, in case something happens to me. If something would happen to me and I died, and my DH has the kids, my mother could file for visitation. Having this in my will protects them.
I thinking teaching children about good touch and bad touch can start at the age of 3.
Posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 13:51:00
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
Hi Antigua
I didn’t experience csa, but I was sexually assaulted several times, beginning when I was a child (hmmm, why am I not calling it csa? Anyway…)
I just don’t know what I’m going to tell my kids. My eldest is 6. I don’t want to scare her. I think she needs to know about good and bad touch, but I’m afraid if I tell her about any of *my* experiences it will be too frightening for her, because it’s her mommy.
I think perhaps by the time kids are much older they can begin to understand these things… maybe by mid to late teens…
I’ve told my eldest about my depression and she understands that. I think she understands the idea of illness better than she would understand the idea of someone hurting her mommy. But maybe it depends how old your kids are…
Tamar
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 14:02:33
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
I would NOT tell my kids, not unless it was requiered for some very specific reason.
You can tell them ups and downs are cuz maybe you didn't get what you needed as akid, but you gonna be good to your kids.
Never would I tell them.
Sorry if I sound cross, but this really bothers me.
You post lotsa good stuff Antigua.
I think its my inside kid that is so bothered by this. So its the opinion of a around 5-7 yr old.
Take care, please don't tell kids less they old.
muffled
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 14:08:04
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
I also think it also depends on how mature your kids are, not just their age. Do they have any contact with this person? I think younger kids all you would have to say is that such and such was a very unkind person who did a lot of mean things to me. They understand that without going into details. I am not sure even my kids 9 and 10 would understand CSA. But they understand bad and evil people.
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 14:10:58
In reply to Re: CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 14:08:04
Posted by happyflower on December 9, 2005, at 14:22:05
In reply to Yah, Happy has better words than me. (nm), posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 14:10:58
Hey, Muffy! What ya talking about? I still have to talk to my kids about the birds and the bees. LOL I still haven't come up with the words for that.
Posted by thuso on December 9, 2005, at 17:08:41
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
I think you should tell them if it effects your moods and how you relate to them. It will help them understand that whatever you do or however you act, it is not personal or because of them.
I can tell you from the child's perspective why they should know. I never had any CSA, but my mom did. She had blocked it out and when I was very young she started getting bad panic attacks/agoraphobia and other major issues. A few years later she started having flashbacks. All of this screwed up my childhood and forced me to raise myself (from about 5 years old). As soon as she started having the flashbacks, I found out about the CSA. I don't think she sat my brother and I down to tell us. I think I may have just overheard it when she was talking to my aunt one night. I was about 11 or 12 when I found out, so I definitely understood what it was. But because of how it affected her while I was a young kid, I took things very personally and it messed up any kind of relationship we may have had before I was 5.
I personally think you should tell your kids as much about it as they can understand. If they are young, maybe just talk about how something bad happened to you as a kid and it has affected the way you feel. Just make sure that they understand that your moods are caused by something in your past and not because of them. Kids are just so perceptive (at least I was), so it is very easy to take a parent's moods an actions very personally. I say just tell them as much as they are able to understand and as much as you feel comfortable telling them.
Posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 19:53:36
In reply to Re: CSA and our children **trigger?** » antigua, posted by thuso on December 9, 2005, at 17:08:41
Thanks everyone. This is a big issue. My oldest is 17, and sometimes I think he needs to understand why I have the depression, or why I drink sometimes when I really don't want to, but it just gets to me too much. (not an excuse, I'm mostly sober for three years now).
My other two are two young (13 and 8). I know this. We had a murder (infant child killed) occur in our family and it really did my 13 year old in (she was much younger when we had the trial) so I don't think anything scary is safe for her right now.
But I am thinking about my 17-year old. He's very pragmatic and stoic, and I think he would understand and would appreciate being told so he could understand. My father is dead anyway.
Any other thoughts are certainly appreciated.
antigua
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 20:39:33
In reply to Re: CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 19:53:36
I think that if you're comfortable telling him, then you definitely should. Not only will it help him understand, but it breaks pattern of secret-keeping. And it helps kids to know that your behavior isn't about them. Just my opinion....Anneke
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 22:11:48
In reply to Re: CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 19:53:36
I guess you could say there was some 'abuse', or something, and if wants to know more he will ask. At least give the option of not knowing more if he doesn't want to. My Mom was kinda screwed up, but I don't really want to know why. Its enough for me to know she had problems. I wouldn't want the images in my mind. I am very visual. Is your son visual?
I would be very careful about this.
My child inside is screaming NO.
Not sure why.
My opinion only.
Hope all goes well.
My older(IRL) kid (9) is also pragmatic and stoic. Its very hard to know what goes on in his head really. Sometimes that scares me.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by orchid on December 10, 2005, at 1:07:14
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
I think it is best not to bother our kids with the issues we had at our childhood. Spare them the pain. Maybe you can give some milder form of explanation for your mood swings, but csa is very hard for any kid to understand and grasp and make peace with it.
Maybe much later, when your kids are well into adulthood, you can share it with them at that time, but definitely not before that.
It is my opinion.
> Like I said before, I seem to put "trigger" on everything.
>
> For anyone who has suffered from csa: have you ever told your own children about it? If so, how old were they? how did you tell them?
>
> Sometimes I think it would be good for my children to know so they would understand why I have my ups and downs, but at this point I still think maybe it's better they don't know. They do know that we don't talk about my father very much (and there are no pictures of him around--my husband's choice, not mine) but I just wonder if anyone else has dealt with this yet.
> thanks,
> antigua
Posted by daisym on December 11, 2005, at 0:06:53
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
Antigua,
I think there is a universal rule about talking to children about hard subjects. Ask them what they might want to know.
When you have the opportunity, (I find driving in the car to work well) ask him if he ever worries about your depression, or mood swings or illness or whatever you typically call it. He might say "no" -- but he might say sometimes. If he says no -- I think the follow up is, "that surprises me. I know that sometimes I'm a total crab and it must be hard on you, being the oldest." I might also refer to the television commercials that are everywhere right now, if you watch TV. My 14 year old asked me why I didn't just take one of those pills so I'd be all better. I asked him why he thought I was depressed and he said he had heard dad and I talking. So -- your son may already have more information than you think.
As far as specifically talking about the csa, I don't know. For me I can't see ever telling my boys. But they have a positive relationship with my dad -- he is a much better Grandfather than I ever expected. Since we live on opposite ends of the country, I feel no need to disrupt that. I'm much more concerned with how they view my behavior now.
I think being a teenager is really hard and they are so self-centered that we can't assume that they want to know such hard information. But I think opening lots of conversations so that they can ask questions, give opinions or even be hostile if they need to is important. I even think it is OK to "push" a little, but using lots of I statements. One of the hardest things I ever had to hear was my youngest's fear about his dad dying. And I couldn't tell him his fear was unfounded. And perhaps worse, his fear that he made life in our house worse, because his dad was "mean and angry" at him all the time. At least he said all of this in a therapy session so we had help sorting it out for him. But it was heart breaking that I couldn't protect him from the hard truth. But what I could do is help him see that none of this was his fault and no matter how good he was, his dad might still be mean and angry sometimes. We gently reminded him that not everything was about him.
I guess you have to ask yourself what purpose will it serve to give out this kind of information. Do they need to know why? Does that make it easier for them to accept the behavior of their mom? And what will you do or how will you feel if your son says, "that was a long time ago, you should be over it by now." Because to him, it *was* a long time ago. The one other factor that may come up for him is whether he will inherent depression or alcoholism or any other illness that he observes in your family. Kids learn about genetics in high school these days. If this is a question, it might be more important to disclose the real reasons for your suffering.
I guess I have more questions than answers for you. YOU know your child(ren) better than anyone. But you are a good mother and you do right by those kids. So whatever you choose to do I'm sure you will do it with sensitivity and grace.
Posted by daisym on December 15, 2005, at 10:19:46
In reply to Re: CSA and our children **trigger?** long » antigua, posted by daisym on December 11, 2005, at 0:06:53
What did you decide? And I'm wondering what your therapist recommends...
This is the end of the thread.
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