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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 15:24:18
It looks like the home I love, the sale isn't going to go through. So now we have to make the decision whether or not to move based solely on merit, and move into a serviceable house rather than one I love if we move.
I find it impossible to put useful input into the decision. Logically, I think it's a good idea. Emotionally I am reacting very badly to the thought of moving on many levels. On the other hand, I'm way more anxious and distressed at home than I am when away.
Do you think it would be useful to ask my therapist if he would be willing to do a joint session with my husband to help us order our thoughts on the topic? Do therapists help you do that? Not to make a decision for us, but to help us find a framework to make the decision ourselves.
My husband would really like to move, for obvious reasons. But he's worried about the effect on me. He thinks I probably need ongoing therapy but he says that I don't like most therapists. All of which my therapist thinks too.
I am so torn about this that it isn't even believable.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 24, 2006, at 15:39:12
In reply to Do you think it would be useful, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 15:24:18
This is all so difficult. I wish I knew what to tell you.
I do like your idea about your husband and you sitting down with your T to try to figure out how to make this decision. My T would do it in a heartbeat and I'm guessing yours would, too. Would your husband be uncomfortable with that?
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 15:42:32
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 24, 2006, at 15:39:12
My husband would probably do it, especially since his main concern is me. But I'm not sure my therapist would do it. And I'm not sure if I should ask him. Or if it would be helpful.
Of course, I'm so decision averse right now that even this decision about how to make a decision fills me with anxiety.
Posted by All Done on May 24, 2006, at 16:17:07
In reply to Do you think it would be useful, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 15:24:18
(((Dinah))),
I'm sorry the deal on the house you love isn't going through. You didn't need anything that would make this harder than it already is. :(
I think you should ask your T what he would think about a joint session for the purpose of helping the two of you figure out the best way to make this decision. There are so many factors involved, it might help to have someone on the "outside" put some perspective on how to prioritize everything. The only problem I see is that your T may have too much invested in your decision, financially and emotionally. Even if he agrees to keep that out of the room, it's still a fact, you know? And keeping his stuff out of the room hasn't been easy for him lately, either. Then again, your T probably has the best perspective on how this will affect you.
Are there any groups helping with relocation out of your area since Katrina? Maybe they can refer you to someone?
I wish this was all decided and done for you.
Let me know if there's anything at all I can do to help.
Hugs,
Laurie
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 24, 2006, at 16:52:04
In reply to Do you think it would be useful, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 15:24:18
Dinah,
So there is NO WAY you can get this house? or are they just being sticky?
> It looks like the home I love, the sale isn't going to go through. So now we have to make the decision whether or not to move based solely on merit, and move into a serviceable house rather than one I love if we move.I still think you should move. Go back and look for other houses or narrow it down on the internet to a couple. Then go ahead and move out there. You could always stay at a short term stay apartment or hotel for a couple of months while you continue to look for the house of your dreams. This is the hot market time and it might be easier to choose a house if you are actually there.
> I find it impossible to put useful input into the decision. Logically, I think it's a good idea. Emotionally I am reacting very badly to the thought of moving on many levels. On the other hand, I'm way more anxious and distressed at home than I am when away.
You said a lot in that last statement. That you are more anxious and distressed when you are home than when you are away.
> Do you think it would be useful to ask my therapist if he would be willing to do a joint session with my husband to help us order our thoughts on the topic? Do therapists help you do that? Not to make a decision for us, but to help us find a framework to make the decision ourselves.
>
> My husband would really like to move, for obvious reasons. But he's worried about the effect on me. He thinks I probably need ongoing therapy but he says that I don't like most therapists. All of which my therapist thinks too.Get the names of several pdocs before you leave and go ahead and set up appointments! That way you can get in quicker.
> I am so torn about this that it isn't even believable.
I think you are over thinking this. I do that so much! It is going to be okay Dinah. It really is!
HUGS,
MidnightBlue
Posted by orchid on May 24, 2006, at 16:57:54
In reply to Do you think it would be useful, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 15:24:18
It is very understandable you are so torn about all this. It has been a rough year for you, and it is so very understandable.
Maybe moving might turn out to be good for you. And if it doesn't work out, you can always come back home right?
I don't know if your T would be willing to see both of you - if that is an option, but I bet it would help if he agrees to it.
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 21:07:07
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful » Dinah, posted by All Done on May 24, 2006, at 16:17:07
I just talked to my husband about it, and he's ok with it. But he thinks we really need to decide before Sunday. Nothing like a little pressure.
He very obviously wants to move.
You're right about my therapist though. He's not completely objective, and he also has long thought (although I REALLY hesitate to repeat it) that I'd have great difficulty in finding another therapist even if I tried, and he didn't think I'd try. He's always been more than a bit astonished that I bonded with him. He also doesn't think the phone therapy with him would work. Well, neither do I really.
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 21:09:56
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful, posted by MidnightBlue on May 24, 2006, at 16:52:04
I thought of asking my therapist to help me once I choose another therapist. To ask him to talk to the new therapist and see if he or she was open to the sort of therapy that works best with me.
I know everyone thinks I need to be challenged more, but I'd just leave. I don't like to be pushed. I'm easily coaxed, but I can't be pushed.
But the truth is that I don't want to leave. I really really don't want to leave with a frightening level of intensity. Although I think it would be best to leave.
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 21:12:04
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful » Dinah, posted by orchid on May 24, 2006, at 16:57:54
Never has my disconnected ego states been this much of a problem. I don't think there's much room for compromise because my feelings on each side are quite extreme. I can think it's a good idea all I want. I can be excited about the move. But I still am self destructive, angry, and extremely agitated at the thought.
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 21:16:05
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful, posted by MidnightBlue on May 24, 2006, at 16:52:04
Oh, I forgot. It's nothing to do with the sellers. It has more to do with needed repairs that we're just not willing or financially able to take on.
Again I find myself loving well, but not terribly wisely.
Posted by annierose on May 24, 2006, at 22:16:29
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful » MidnightBlue, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 21:16:05
I wonder about your T having your best interests at heart when he says that he doubts you'll be able to find another T to work with you. I must say, that shocked me. Sounds arrogant. And it sets up a self-fullfilling prophecy, on top of offering you no hope.
I completely disagree. Maybe he hasn't met a great T in his life. But they are out there. And you will be able to find one. And I'll just bet that you will work through, rather get stuck in some of your inner conflicts.
I hope you are able to negotiate the repairs in your "dream house". If its a house you can live in and a city your husband wants to move to, there must be a way to make it happen, or at least, I am hoping for it to happen.
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 22:38:49
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful, posted by annierose on May 24, 2006, at 22:16:29
I'm thinking the house is unlikely in the extreme.
It does sound arrogant, and that's always my first take on it when he says it. But in context it's very clear he isn't commenting on how wonderful he is. He's actually totally mystified as to how I came to attach to him. It's more an assessment on the deeply flawed nature of my ability to attach to others. Or at least other humans.
And I can't say that I disagree with him. I do have a very hard time deeply attaching to others. I've rejected every mental health professional I came in contact with over the years, except him. In fact, not only did I not attach, but I strongly disliked them. However, I did tell him I'd leave him for my neurologist if she were a therapist. :)
I'm probably the same way with houses.
(I was the same way dating.)
Posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 22:41:24
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful » annierose, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 22:38:49
Oh, and I suppose I should also add that it's also a comment on the intensity and longevity of the few attachments I do make. I just don't get over things.
Posted by annierose on May 25, 2006, at 5:46:49
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 22:41:24
But the fact is that you did attach to him (and others in your personal life) shows that it is possible. And that is hopeful for your future.
Posted by fallsfall on May 25, 2006, at 6:38:56
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 22:41:24
I think that talking over this decision with a professional could be helpful. But I don't know that your therapist could fill this role. There is too much history, and too much countertransference.
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2006, at 13:49:22
In reply to Re: Do you think it would be useful, posted by fallsfall on May 25, 2006, at 6:38:56
We're staying.
I'm sleepy now.
Posted by All Done on May 26, 2006, at 13:55:23
In reply to It's all resolved, posted by Dinah on May 26, 2006, at 13:49:22
(((((Dinah)))))
I know this was incredibly difficult for you. I'm glad you and your family have arrived at a decision.
When you're feeling up to it, and if you feel like talking about it, we're here.
Rest up.
Hugs,
Laurie
Posted by gardenergirl on May 26, 2006, at 14:28:35
In reply to Re: It's all resolved » Dinah, posted by All Done on May 26, 2006, at 13:55:23
I'm glad it's resolved. You must feel relieved to have it not be up in the air now.
Have a good rest.
gg
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 26, 2006, at 16:12:31
In reply to It's all resolved, posted by Dinah on May 26, 2006, at 13:49:22
Okay Dinah. You take care. I've been so worried about you!
HUGS,
MidnightBlue
> We're staying.
>
> I'm sleepy now.
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2006, at 16:40:01
In reply to Re: It's all resolved, posted by MidnightBlue on May 26, 2006, at 16:12:31
I'm glad we're not moving, and the unbearable internal pressure is gone now I know we're not. However logical I knew it was to move, I couldn't bear losing my therapist and my son's school. (I know, I know. It's my *son's* school.)
And in the end we used logic to decide not to move. It was just too expensive to find a similar house in a similar neighborhood. We decided we really didn't want to sink all our savings into a house.
But I'm left with the dissatisfaction of thinking that things will be same old, same old, and not even my most determined (hah!) efforts will elicit change. And changes do need to be made in my work life, and in my at home work as well (needing to spend more time on home and family and less time on work and spending).
Posted by muffled on May 26, 2006, at 21:07:29
In reply to Do you think it would be useful, posted by Dinah on May 24, 2006, at 15:24:18
Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2006, at 10:42:49
In reply to (((((((((((((((((((((((((Dinah)))))))))))))))))))) (nm) » Dinah, posted by muffled on May 26, 2006, at 21:07:29
Husband's bosses had him down as going, not as investigating going, and they're not happy.
I'm not happy either. This is killing me. I actually got work done yesterday when I thought this was settled.
Last night I spent all night up crying and rocking, clutching the pillows. Today I want to do something awful, but I'll probably settle for giving the greatly abbreviated list of work I'm still willing to do, and what I wish to give up.
I was so happy yesterday, thinking I could keep my therapist and my son's school. I'm not a moving person I think. And for all his flaws, I love my therapist and I can't bear to think of losing him. I think I'd rather die.
We've already told the new school we're not coming, the real estate agent we're not coming, we cancelled the loan application process. We had decided to stay put.
I hate my life. I hate my husband's company. I hate my job. I hate.
Posted by fallsfall on May 27, 2006, at 12:49:57
In reply to Actually not resolved - trigger?, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2006, at 10:42:49
All this back and forth is killing you!
I hope you can make a decision that will stick - and soon!
Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2006, at 18:35:41
In reply to Re: Actually not resolved - trigger? » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on May 27, 2006, at 12:49:57
Yes it is. This morning my husband was mailing off a deposit to the school and telling me we should tell our son we've changed our mind and we're moving.
After he saw me taking a day long nap he said no, we'd stay, and that everything would be ok. But then he spent the rest of the day talking about everything he'd do with his time off when he's laid off. So he's insisting we can stay, and at the same time making all these remarks that are guaranteed to make my anxiety shoot up.
I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do.
Earlier, my husband said he'd go see my therapist, and so I called my therapist today and he's game. But now my husband says we don't need to go see him because we're staying here. And he's really looking forward to all that time off. :(
I guess it's no different from my saying that if we have to move we have to move, then spending the day in bed.
We're trying to see who can be most passive aggressive.
Posted by Tamar on May 27, 2006, at 20:24:08
In reply to Re: Actually not resolved - trigger? » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2006, at 18:35:41
Is it worth talking to your husband about seeing your therapist even ifyou decide you're staying? It sounds as if this is one of the toughest decisions you've been faced with in ages (and I know you went through a lot after Katrina). Maybe a bit of joint therapy would be helpful to your husband as well as to you.
I really hope things work out the way you want them to.
Tamar
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