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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
I'm in the middle of too much missing.
My brother died just about 4 weeks ago, and this morning was the burial (he was cremated). Witnessing my parent's grief was difficult but I amaze myself at my ability to comfort them in their sadness. Once in my car, I was alone in my grief. No one to share that experience with me. None of the spouses came - just immediate family.
My daughter is away at summer camp for 4 weeks. I have no contact with her besides letters (no phone calls, no e-mails). I miss her voice but not her laundry. I won't see her again for 2 more weeks.
My therapist is on her summer vacation. It's been only one week so far, and I won't see her again for two more - what seems to me - very long weeks.
I feel so stuck in my grief - immobilized. I'm unable to go to my yoga classes, unable to begin writing sympathy acknowledgments, unable to do much of anything. I wish I could cry but the tears won't come.
Posted by DAisym on July 20, 2007, at 15:30:44
In reply to Too much missing, posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
((((AnnieRose))))
I'm so sorry for your loss. And to be missing significant comfort people in your life right now is just too much and so unfair.
Grief is a funny thing. Some people cry buckets and I always envy them. I get numb and it always feels like something is stuck in my chest, a weight that is too hard to move under. I've written about it as a boulder and I'm pinned down.
You can't force the tears, but sometimes you can jump start them. Do you have a favorite, sad old movie? Or a passage in a book? Just the release and the endorphins might be what you need to feel a tinsy-bit better.
You therapist will come back soon. And so will your daughter. Take it a day at a time, don't count it all out. Everyday do something that makes you smile. Everyday do something that would make each of them smile. Write down what you are doing with the intention of sharing it with them. I bet they will love it when they come back.
And keep posting. Camp Comfort is always open.
And just a nudge and reminder...you could call her. I think sharing your grief, given what happened today, definitely qualifies as that "need."
Posted by Sigismund on July 20, 2007, at 16:40:36
In reply to Too much missing, posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
There are cultures (Jewish?) that allow or encourage a year's grieving before suggesting that it's time to give it a rest.
As you get older there are more and more people you once knew who are now dead.
I don't know if grief always has to be a lonely experience. Maybe there are people who can share it, but it has always been a lonely experience for me.
So maybe the sense of missing is disabling, lonely and painful, but still, I think it is one of the best things about us.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 20, 2007, at 17:30:32
In reply to Too much missing, posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
I'm sorry about your brother, Annie. And the timing of the others being away really, really sucks. I know you'll make it through, but I wish it wasn't going to be so hard for you.
((((((AnnieRose))))))
Posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 22:40:26
In reply to Re: Too much missing » annierose, posted by TherapyGirl on July 20, 2007, at 17:30:32
Posted by JoniS on July 21, 2007, at 11:47:17
In reply to Too much missing, posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine going through that grief. I'll be thinking about you and saying a prayer.
Joni
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 10:00:51
In reply to Re: Too much missing » annierose, posted by DAisym on July 20, 2007, at 15:30:44
I am too embarrassed to call her --- sounds silly I know. I was talking to a friend of mine who counsels people on diet/exercise. In an unrelated story, she tells me that she gives her clients her cell phone number so psychologically they know they can call her, but the net result is that clients are less likely to call when holding onto the number. I cringed.
Thank you for you support. I don't want my daughter and my T overlapping 3 weeks of vacation again.
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 10:03:57
In reply to Re: Too much missing » annierose, posted by Sigismund on July 20, 2007, at 16:40:36
>>>So maybe the sense of missing is disabling, lonely and painful, but still, I think it is one of the best things about us. <<<
I found your choice of words interesting. My sense of missing is lonely and painful. What makes that a good thing? Is it the ability to feel so deeply for another human? the connection between two beings? and why does the soul long for contact with another? what is that loss about?
I have all these questions, and no answers right now.
Thanks for your support.
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 10:06:28
In reply to Re: Too much missing » annierose, posted by TherapyGirl on July 20, 2007, at 17:30:32
Thank you therapy girl.
My brother's sudden death really sucks. It also has forced me to spend time with my family and help them through their grief --- that makes it doubly painful on so many levels.
I have found my t's voice within ... that's a good thing. I am comforting my parents and my brother's children ... saying things and I think, "wow, where did that come from?" And the answer, of course, my t.
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 10:07:44
In reply to Re: Too much missing » annierose, posted by JoniS on July 21, 2007, at 11:47:17
Having support and people I can talk to has been so helpful. I am so lucky to have babble.
Posted by Honore on July 22, 2007, at 10:43:55
In reply to Too much missing, posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
Hi, Annierose. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's such a hard thing to lose a brother, and to have to comfort parents who are so devastated when you feel you can't make it better, other than be there-- which I'm sure does much more than you realize--
I hope they can come to accept and go on despite this loss. I know it will take time for them, and for you.
I feel especially bad that your parents can't be there for you in your loss, and that your T and daughter also are away. Their absence would be hard without the grief that you must be feeling.
I'm just so very sorry.
Honore
Posted by Honore on July 22, 2007, at 10:52:47
In reply to Too much missing, posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
Annierose, don't feel bad -- You most definitely should feel completely free to call your T.
If there's any time to call-- and there are times when it's totally appropriate-- this is it.
Don't listen to your friend. She couldn't possibly be hearing what she said. That was an awful thing even to think at such a moment. I can't imagine what her motives were, but competitiveness with your T, or some sort of sense of wanting to help you so much more than she could-- I don't know-- Whatever possessed her to say that-- it's something to disregard as some sort of mind-bend on her part-- two incompatible wires getting crossed-- or some other momentary breakdown.
I can' believe your T would be anything but relieved that you felt you could call-- and want you to call when you;re going through so much and she can't be there for you.
Honore
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2007, at 12:01:39
In reply to Too much missing, posted by annierose on July 20, 2007, at 15:14:13
I'm so sorry, Annierose. Losing someone you love, and then having to be a comfort for others without getting comfort yourself, that really is painful I'm sure.
I'm glad you were able to find your therapist's voice inside you.
I think there is truth in what your friend said. But it's a different sort of truth than what you're dealing with now. My therapist gives me leave to call him at least in part because he knows that the knowledge that I can call him will comfort me, help me feel like he's not gone, and will lead be to feel less distressed and so call him less.
But that doesn't mean he doesn't want me to call him when I need, or even want, to call him. It just means he doesn't want me to need to call him because I feel he's not there.
When my father died, my therapist was very open to taking phone calls. And if I remember correctly, didn't your therapist especially invite you to call her? Wasn't she concerned about the timing of all of this?
She didn't give you her phone number so you wouldn't call her. She gave you her phone number because she wants to be there for you in whatever way she can be.
If you've internalized her enough to not need to call her, that's great - in terms of you and your progress. But if you need to call her and she's given you permission, believe that it's because she really does care. (How could she not after all this time?)
(((Annierose)))
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 12:36:15
In reply to Re: Too much missing » annierose, posted by Honore on July 22, 2007, at 10:43:55
Thank you for your additional input to this thread. I felt better reading both of your posts. My friend didn't mean any harm, but internally I went "ouch --- guess I won't be calling t."
I finally gathered the strength to go back to my yoga class. It's a place that offers me solace and comfort - especially when my favorite instructor is there - and he was. I even got my almost 9 year old son to join me. That made me smile.
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 12:42:10
In reply to Re: Too much missing » annierose, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2007, at 12:01:39
Yes, you remembered correctly, my t seemed to go out of her way reminding me to call her, more so than any other seperation in our shared history.
What your wrote made perfect sense to my rational thinking part of my brain. My emotional side wants to call her and say, "I miss hearing your voice telling me that I'm going to be okay." And I miss sharing what I am going through with her and her reassurance that my family is just not right --- in a kind and gentle way of course.
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2007, at 13:21:17
In reply to Re: Too much missing » Dinah, posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 12:42:10
And so you should call her and tell her that.
I'm guessing she'd be glad you did.
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2007, at 13:22:00
In reply to Re: Too much missing » Honore, posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 12:36:15
That was very cool of your son. :)
Posted by Sigismund on July 22, 2007, at 20:54:59
In reply to Re: Too much missing » Sigismund, posted by annierose on July 22, 2007, at 10:03:57
>I found your choice of words interesting.
They were chosen carefully.>My sense of missing is lonely and painful.
Of course.>What makes that a good thing? Is it the ability to feel so deeply for another human? the connection between two beings?
Exactly, it's love when the loved person is gone.>and why does the soul long for contact with another? what is that loss about?
I dunno, but from birth we make powerful connections with others, and we need those connections, no matter how painful it is to lose them.So when people feel grief (or when I have), I feel how pointless it is to offer reassurance, and instead want to say 'what you feel is painful, but it is human, valuable, and reflects well on you. It will pass when it is ready to'.
Posted by Sigismund on July 22, 2007, at 20:59:54
In reply to Honouring Grief » annierose, posted by Sigismund on July 22, 2007, at 20:54:59
>What makes that a good thing? Is it the ability to feel so deeply for another human? the connection between two beings?
People share minds when they love each other and when one dies there is a tear in the fabric of our mind.
This is the end of the thread.
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