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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LadyBug on May 27, 2008, at 21:41:41
I think I'm grieving. I saw my T. I told her how I feel and told her I didn't know if I would come back in Sept. when my insurance kicks in again. She said when I left "take good care of yourself". As I was going to get on the freeway I rolled down the windows in my car and through the wind I said good bye to 11 plus years of my life. I let it blow through my hair and right out the window. I left her in the back of my mind and let her blow away.
That's all I can say for tonight. I don't know how to feel. I told her I was 99% sure I wouldn't be back in Sept and I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what the hell happened to us. I told her how much she meant to me and how strong I felt our connection was at some points and that before I wished when I walked out the door I could feel connected to her again like it's been. I told her I could feel a lot of negativity in the room coming from both of us. She didn't deny it, but she agreed. I told her that when she told me she showed me too much sympathy with my daughters pregnancy and adoption of the baby, I pulled in and put up a wall between us and that I didn't know if I could ever let that wall down to work with her again.
Oh, how I have regrets and it hurts. She meant the world to me. It's just another loss, first my marriage, then I mentally lost both my parents, the adoption of my first grandchild, and now her. That's a lot of loss to suffer in a 8 or 9 month time frame. The people I loved with all my heart are gone from my life.
Sad and Lonely LadyBug
Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2008, at 22:44:12
In reply to I don't know what I'm feeling tonight....., posted by LadyBug on May 27, 2008, at 21:41:41
I'm so sorry. :(
I can't imagine how I'd be feeling if my therapist hadn't been willing to fight to relationship with me.
I'm so sorry your therapist didn't respond as mine did.
Posted by frida on May 28, 2008, at 8:11:15
In reply to I don't know what I'm feeling tonight....., posted by LadyBug on May 27, 2008, at 21:41:41
Dear Ladybug,
this brought tears to my eyes.
I hoped that your T would say/do something to change this situation..11 years is a lot of time, of growing, sharing, connection..
I can't understand what's wrong with her, why couldn't she make a greater effort to fight for this.
i am so so sorry...I wish you could feel connected to your T and have her in your life...i'd be so devastated if my T didn't try to make things work after everything that happened...
i am so so sorry
hugs,
Frida
> I think I'm grieving. I saw my T. I told her how I feel and told her I didn't know if I would come back in Sept. when my insurance kicks in again. She said when I left "take good care of yourself". As I was going to get on the freeway I rolled down the windows in my car and through the wind I said good bye to 11 plus years of my life. I let it blow through my hair and right out the window. I left her in the back of my mind and let her blow away.
> That's all I can say for tonight. I don't know how to feel. I told her I was 99% sure I wouldn't be back in Sept and I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what the hell happened to us. I told her how much she meant to me and how strong I felt our connection was at some points and that before I wished when I walked out the door I could feel connected to her again like it's been. I told her I could feel a lot of negativity in the room coming from both of us. She didn't deny it, but she agreed. I told her that when she told me she showed me too much sympathy with my daughters pregnancy and adoption of the baby, I pulled in and put up a wall between us and that I didn't know if I could ever let that wall down to work with her again.
> Oh, how I have regrets and it hurts. She meant the world to me. It's just another loss, first my marriage, then I mentally lost both my parents, the adoption of my first grandchild, and now her. That's a lot of loss to suffer in a 8 or 9 month time frame. The people I loved with all my heart are gone from my life.
> Sad and Lonely LadyBug
>
Posted by Annierose on May 28, 2008, at 8:22:34
In reply to I don't know what I'm feeling tonight....., posted by LadyBug on May 27, 2008, at 21:41:41
I feel like there is a piece of the puzzle that your t is not sharing with you. The story on its own does not make sense. Something is missing.
I'm with Dinah. It's sad that she won't help get this relationship back on course. The fact that you feel a wall going up, doesn't concern me. That feeling could be part of your internal resistance ... a natural defense mechanism.
During the times I felt at odds with my T, one thing I could always count on, is that together we would get past the hurt and miscommunication and begin to heal. Sometimes we would agreed that we disagreed on this ... but it did not intefere with our working relationship. I saw blue and she saw red and no matter what either said, we stood firm in our stance. But I always understood where she was coming from even if I disagreed and visa versa.
I'm sorry you feel all alone. You're not. Focus on all the life blessings you do have, not what you lost.
Posted by frida on May 28, 2008, at 9:44:04
In reply to Re: I don't know what I'm feeling tonight....., posted by Annierose on May 28, 2008, at 8:22:34
I agree...
It seems something is missing...I can't understand how, even if there's a misunderstanding, disagreement or conflict, it can't be worked out after 11 years of sharing and working together.
my T has said things that have hurt me and I've put up a wall for months...but in the end we've talked it over and i could understand where she was coming from...and she has always placed our years together and the caring above all differences or problems, or even anger or frustration that she has felt.It seems so strange of her not to try to work things out after so long ...
Did she offer that you could go back if you wanted to?
I wish there was another way,
I am so sorry for your hurt.Frida
Posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 9:51:37
In reply to I don't know what I'm feeling tonight....., posted by LadyBug on May 27, 2008, at 21:41:41
Oh Ladybug,
I am so saddened by this. I thought she would do something to repair what she did, I just don't understand it. I feel angry at her for just letting you go without a fight or at least if she tried. grrrrrrrrr. I am not sure if those feelings ever leave us, it is like a parent dying or something. At the end of June, it will be a year since I left my T, and it still hurts. I thought it would get better, and maybe parts of it has, but there is this huge empty feeling in my heart that still grieves him.
I am glad you got to say your say at least, I think it is important step in moving on. But all those years, Ladybug, it will take I think a long time to put that behind you. You are hurting so much right now, and I wish I knew what to do to help you, but I can't take away what happened, the only thing to do it is accept it even if it hurts like hell.
Life is unfair to some of us, it seems like everything goes wrong, and I don't know why some of us have to take the brunt of it. My T thinks there is something that will come out of all this suffering, well I am not so sure.
I don't remember if you are on any meds, but it might be a good idea for depression. You have had so many life changes, I don't know how you can get through all of that without depression at the very least of things.
Have you thought about getting a new pet or something ? I know that seems like a silly thing to say but having something that needs you and looks forward to seeing you sometimes can help the loneliness. It is helping me lately. I love my guinea pigs, they like to cuddle with me and lick my face like a dog. It is so cute they get excited when I feed them, clean their cage, etc. They just get up on their hind legs and look at me through their cage, wanting me to take them out to play.
I am glad you are working, I am sure that is helping some. Ladybug, I picture you in my head and I just want something good to happen to you, you are special and I can't be the only one that sees that.
Ladybug, you can lean on me if you like, like I have leaned on you in the past. We can get through this together.
Love,
HF
Posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2008, at 12:30:10
In reply to Re: I don't know what I'm feeling tonight..... » LadyBug, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 9:51:37
11 years is a very long time and agree missing piece to the link. But work is a very good way to forget for at least a while. That is what I too miss. Love Phillipa
Posted by LadyBug on May 28, 2008, at 23:36:04
In reply to Re: I don't know what I'm feeling tonight..... » LadyBug, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 9:51:37
I've been so sad all day today. Wishing I could go talk to her again. I could but I already owe her over 500 bucks. Since my not yet ex husband is in jail I get no help financially so I'm beat down financially. I had to call the IRS today because when we filed out taxes for 07 I never signed the return, he signed my name. FRAUD.........I told the lady that's why he's in jail right now.
I'm so down tonight, I was thinking how hopeless my life feels. I can't even live right now on my income alone and I have no where to turn. It takes me down to where I don't want to continue living.
Losing my T is so hard for me, it's harder than losing my husband in some ways. I know it's my choice if I go back in Sept. I just don't know if I can safely work with her anymore.
I do like my new job and the people I work with are great. They have no idea of how much I suffer inside. The anxiety level is over the top right now. I feel so alone. My kids don't even know how much I'm struggling nor do I want them to know. They will just worry. They need one safe parent they know will be there for them.
I want to hate my T but even that hurts. I don't think she cares. I keep telling myself that each day it will hurt a little less.
Thanks for all of your kind and caring words. I'm not here to draw the life out of anyone but I need somewhere to vent my feelings since I have no one right now. Part of the reason I was in therapy in the first place.
I don't deserve support right now because I have nothing left to give to anyone else.
I appreciate the support and hope that someday I can do the same for everyone here.
A few of you have asked if I take meds for depression. YUP, I do and I have for several years now. I had the dose increased about a year ago and it has helped me. I have Klonipin for anxiety, but I rarely take any of them. I don't need help to make me more tired. And I do cry, but it's from the pain and suffering I'm going through. There's a difference between crying from depression and crying from pain.
Sad and Lost LadyBug
Posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2008, at 23:52:15
In reply to Re: This post is to everyone who replied, posted by LadyBug on May 28, 2008, at 23:36:04
Lady Bug I empathize wih you and understand your lonliness relate to the signed income tax as my husband also did that to me too that was number one husband. Love Phillipa vent all you want.
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2008, at 10:42:32
In reply to Re: This post is to everyone who replied, posted by LadyBug on May 28, 2008, at 23:36:04
Whether you deserve support isn't contingent on what you feel you can give right now. Or ever. You deserve support. Period.
(((ladybug)))
I'm not feeling well enough right now to come up with anything truly helpful. Do you have anyone in your life who would be able to help you with the practicalities? You're facing a lot right now, but I know that there are practical things that can be done to ease some of that.
I wish I could offer more. The antihistamines I'm taking are drying out my brain, I think.
Posted by LadyBug on May 29, 2008, at 19:06:24
In reply to Re: This post is to everyone who replied » LadyBug, posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2008, at 23:52:15
Thanks for understanding Phillipa! I talked to the IRS again today and I did find out that our stimulas money will go to some of what we owe. I am ok with that, one less amount I have to worry about..........
Still tired and going for a late nap?
Still missing my T ;o(
Posted by LadyBug on May 29, 2008, at 19:13:17
In reply to Re: This post is to everyone who replied » LadyBug, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2008, at 10:42:32
Thanks Dinah! For telling me I deserve support right now. It means a lot. I had some close co-workers that I could talk to and now I don't work with them anymore. I have talked to a new co-worker some. She's in a similar situation as me, being separated from her husband after 22 years of marriage. We have daughter's that are the same age.
I keep thinking about if I could talk to my T what would I say. I don't think anything would change anything right now unless I agreed to be wrong and her right and I'm not up to that just yet.
She's not telling me something like a few people said, something is missing and she's not willing to share it with me. Maybe she's glad she doesn't have to see me for now.
I'm tired!!!! I think since I'm home alone, I shall go crawl in bed!!! It's almost Friday!
I do have friends, lots of them but this pain is too much for me to share right now. And I have a wonderful sister but she never has time to chat with me. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
I'm finding my way around things and trying not to depend on anyone for anything! I like it that way.
Thanks again for your support, it means a lot.
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on May 30, 2008, at 0:41:55
In reply to Re: This post is to everyone who replied » Dinah, posted by LadyBug on May 29, 2008, at 19:13:17
This is the end of the thread.
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