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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 10:10:40
This is something me and my T talked about last week. Why PTSD feels so bad it that you feel vulnerable again to the past. Anyone who has been abused especially as a child knows this feeling. It is so scary. All I would need to happen is my mom showing up at my doorstep, a phone call, a letter sent, or even hearing from my grandma can put me in a state of fear. Fear for my life, for my families life. It feels like being trapped with no where safe to go. As I child I was told nobody would believe me if I told, so I didn't plus being threatened with my life helped keep it a secret. I was like a trapped abused animal. Secrets that are even hard to tell 30 years later.
I wonder if it is possible to recover from this, to take away the triggers that have been ingrained into my memory, my being. My T says I will never forget, but he thinks he can help take away the triggers. I just don't know it seems like the only way for that to happen will be when I know my mom is dead. But I guess memories can still haunt you till you die, so can you really escape your past?
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 28, 2008, at 12:11:10
In reply to Feeling vulnerable and child abuse triggers, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 10:10:40
Hey, sweetie: I was too...abused as a child; I know how horrific that is.
I wish I could say we could forget it, but that isn't possible.
What worked for me was that I talked about it a lot, and realized I couldn't change my past, but I COULD do something about my future.
You are doing that also, by going to school, etc., etc...and I am so proud of you.
I boiled my "stuff" down as far as I could, and then just live with whatever there is; that is all I can do.
I am driven to make a difference; I think you are too...Would it help to write your story?
i wrote my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice); I found in painful, but cathartic. I am not ashamed of my past. I did nothing wrong.
Hugs and Love to my crazy-twin....Love, Ally/Sassy
Posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:17:43
In reply to Feeling vulnerable and child abuse triggers, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 10:10:40
I just knew this was going to be a bad day. My son got a card from grandma with money. She hasn't had anything to do with them from the beginning, now 12 years later she is expecting something from them? Tells him to call her, like my daughter's card did.
She thinks now that my kids are older, they can go behind my back and contact her. She is mistaken, I have a great relationship with my kids, our family isn't like her family.
All I know is that I used to be very afraid of her then and I am afraid of her now, and want nothing to do with her. I may have even been SA from her, some fragment parts of a memory, that hasn't come together. I am shaking now. Why won't these people leave me alone? I don't want any part of their sick heritage. I have had to divorce them if I wanted to break the cycle of abuse. I am going to call my t now and see if I can get in today. I am going downhill fast.
Posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:27:03
In reply to my grandma,the bitch of insane mom SA triggers, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:17:43
He has an opening in 2 hours, I am going... wish me luck
Oh, gosh, they just called back and I thought they were going to cancel the just made appointment. But they just wanted to know if I knew I had an appointment tomorrow and if I wanted to keep it. I said I didn't know. whew,
Posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:34:25
In reply to Re: my grandma,the bitch of insane mom SA trigge, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:27:03
I hate it when my body reacts to this, I am so f*ck*ng scared, I just want to die, I jsut want to make them go away from me. Why can't they leave me alone, I don't owe them a damn thing.
I hate being f*ck*d up it sucks, I feel like I am going insane. I know it isn't the past, but tell my damn body that, why am I shaken with terror, crying my eyes out, I can't breathe, I feel like I am hyperventilating.
Why won't she stop torturing me through my kids. How evil, she just wants me to die so she can take them away from me. Just like she did with my cousin. I just can't take feeling this way anymore.
Posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2008, at 12:34:37
In reply to Re: my grandma,the bitch of insane mom SA trigge, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:27:03
Good luck and no mine was verbal abuse and Mother died when I was l7 so there is no way to go back and talk or whatever with her about why? Was it the medications she was on or did you just hate me? I will never know. You do have the opportunity however painful to find out why through writing or what ever. I seriously wish I had that opportunity. Love Phillipa
Posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:38:51
In reply to Re: my grandma,the bitch of insane mom SA trigge » Happyflower, posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2008, at 12:34:37
I wish my mom was dead, if I could do it myself I would. I don't need to know why from her. I don't want to talk to her. The last time she saw my brother she put a gun to his head. My brother died because of her abuse, causing brain damage and having seizures. You should feel lucky she is dead, I sure wish mine was.
Posted by rskontos on May 28, 2008, at 13:04:36
In reply to Re: my grandma,the bitch of insane mom SA trigge » Phillipa, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:38:51
Happyflower
My mother has been gone for 20 years and I still suffer the PTSD sideeffects. I only recently started to understand the effects of my childhood and my mother's hold over me so being dead did not end her ability to cause me pain and have a hold over my behavior. It has only been in therapy did I learn to deal with the effects of the trauma, and the knowledge of how it affected me and learn to try to face it head on especially to see how it has caused me and my brain to react and how I have acted accordingly. I did not know about my inners for one thing. I don't know about everything in my head yet, I still have flashbacks I can't explain and I haven't recovered my memories but I am getting some parts back. So no death did not do it for me.
But a part of me is glad she is dead. I think sometimes that makes me a bad person. My father is still alive and we have a bad relationship. I pretend with him but to call him out on his part in all this would not serve either of us so WTF would it help. So I continue the sham of our relationship. But I protect myself more.
Sorry you are having a hard time, must be in the phases of the moon. I too am not doing so hot. What goes down must go up right. So we have to be having a good day soon.
((((Happyflower))))))))))
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on May 28, 2008, at 20:57:18
In reply to Re: my grandma,the bitch of insane mom SA trigge » Phillipa, posted by Happyflower on May 28, 2008, at 12:38:51
Happyflower feel bad that it was physical abuse and understand why you feel the way you do but for me I wish my Mother was alive as I never had anyone to cry to or help raise my kids with me . I lived a lonely life so I got married and had kids. It was the effects of cortisone that made her verbally abusive wasn't her fault as it was a new med and they didn't know cortisone could cause psychosis then. I do miss My Mother. I'm sorry for the abuse you and your Brother went through. I forgave mine as I was able to connect the pieces and understand why her behavior was horrible. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on May 28, 2008, at 22:54:36
In reply to Re: my grandma,the bitch of insane mom SA trigge, posted by rskontos on May 28, 2008, at 13:04:36
I am sorry this is ahppening again HF.
This is terrifying.
I hope your T was able to help you settle.
Try and remember you are a STRONG woman who survived these sick people.
You are a strong woman who broke the cycle.
You are a strong woman who has raised really wonderful kids.
Its hard, its scarey, and yes, there is potential real danger, i understand.
But you got what it takes to get thru this.
You got your T to help support you.
Hang on.
I'll be thinking of you.
((((HF)))) safe hugs if OK.
M
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