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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 11:08:37
I called my therapist and extended my three-week break another week and a half. I left my cell phone number for her to confirm, but she called my work number, and I answered (I need to pick up my office phone because there's a lot going on at work). She said, "Hi!" and how are you doing, and "that's fine, we can just plan on then."
I hadn't been planning on actually talking to her. For some reason, that thirty-second conversation threw me into the depths. I cried all day yesterday and all this morning. I almost called and asked to go back today because I had so many things to yell and scream and cry about to her. But I didn't because I don't know that it would be safe to do so.
Where is the self-confidence I just had TWO DAYS ago? I am so MAD that it can just evaporate like that. I want a way to get back the positive mood and sense of myself. But I don't know what will work.
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2008, at 11:18:44
In reply to what is wrong with me?, posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 11:08:37
When my therapist was out of the country, I eventually got to where I wasn't constantly distressed. But whenever I heard from him, I instantly started crying and obsessing about him.
I think it's a normal part of grieving someone who hasn't actually died.
It might or might not mean that you're not ready to quit seeing her. Just as your dreams might or might not be correct in contrast to your waking conscious thoughts. It's a different perspective, but neither is necessarily right. In my experience, the truth usually lies in the synthesis. When you acknowledge all you feel about her, and meld it into a total view that encompasses both extremes but is in itself not as extreme, you might find it's clearer.
It could be something like "She's neither all good nor all bad. She hurt me and she helped me. I miss her so much, but I recognize that I've learned all I can from her and it's time to move on. Even though I'll continue to miss her." Or it might be more like "She's hurt me so much, and I'm so angry with her, and I just want to stop this pain. But I recognize that I would benefit from working through this with her." Or it could be something else entirely.
Are you still having your dreams? Mine often stop once I discuss them.
Posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 12:19:17
In reply to Not a thing » raisinb, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2008, at 11:18:44
Thank you, Dinah. You've laid everything out so sensibly. I just wish I *knew* what I wanted. It seems like I can cycle so rapidly between moods and decisions. When I feel good, I realize how many problems there are with the relationship, and I feel like I can go find something better. When I'm upset, all I want is to run back because I know we can have good sessions, and I'll feel so much better in the short term.
I haven't had any dreams lately, except a vague one last night where I felt I had no home to return to. I had my current place in the back of my mind, but for some reason I kept forgetting it existed. I guess that's pretty clear.
Posted by myrtledog on May 29, 2008, at 12:54:49
In reply to Re: Not a thing » Dinah, posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 12:19:17
I feel like this. I'm in what feels like *almost constant* contact with my T ( i can text her and i do this sometimes up to 10 times a day - all hours of day and night She usually replies, too). Yes, i have issues with attachment and dependency(!!) And i feel TORMENTED with need for her and tormented by whether or not to text. But curiously recently, when on two occasions, each lasting about a week, i've been unable to text her due to big events in her life (this is the first time in 2 years i haven't had this privelege) I feel FREE of torment and need.
I know i've just gone to the opposite polarity, and now am faking expreme INdependence. But god, it's a breather. I can totally relate to hearing your T's voice and falling apart when you were previously ok. Do you think you really were Ok??
Posted by Phillipa on May 29, 2008, at 13:26:49
In reply to Re: Not a thing, posted by myrtledog on May 29, 2008, at 12:54:49
Seems I do the same thing after my bout with independance last week can't do it this week. Why do we do this to ourselves as I feel we do it. Try to prove something and get strong for a while and then get weak and take the way of least resistance. Could be totally off target. Am a lot. Phillipa
Posted by B2chica on May 29, 2008, at 14:01:54
In reply to Re: Not a thing » Dinah, posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 12:19:17
Absolutely NOT a thing...
in fact i think it was kind of bad taste of your T.i'm sorry.
but my T knows that the sound of her voice is triggering for me. so she tries to contact me via email. or if she needs to call she'll call my cell cuz she knows i don't answer it that often or at least i can see that it's her and choose if i want to answer or not.
she said she would only ever call my work number if it were an emergency.
and i think your T should know that her voice can be triggering for you to!
******************
NOw, this just through you for a loop..you did NOT...i repeat did NOT loose your self confidance. you still have it strong in toe. it went no where.maybe just around the corner for a second or two. it will be back when you grab it. and you will. because you have the strength within you.
you are a strong
vibrant
beautiful
woman
worthwhile of many joys
Posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 14:35:10
In reply to Re: Not a thing, posted by myrtledog on May 29, 2008, at 12:54:49
Hi Myrtle--
Thanks for the message and a (belated) welcome to babble.I *thought* I was okay. I felt freed of everything! No, I was. As a matter of fact, this state feels like "not me." I tell my therapist sometimes that I'm not really like this in real life!
Posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 14:35:58
In reply to Re: Not a thing, posted by Phillipa on May 29, 2008, at 13:26:49
Yeah, me too, Phillippa. I can't figure out what I am supposed to learn--to get rid of a destructive relationship, or to accept my own vulnerability and need.
Posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 14:38:49
In reply to Re: Not a thing, posted by B2chica on May 29, 2008, at 14:01:54
B2 that was an awesome post. Thank you!
I suppose I can't fault her for calling my work number. She's always called both, and I've asked her to call me at work sometimes when I am having a hard time. I think she called that number because through their voice mail paging system, she presses a key to call the person back, and that's the number I called from. I think she also calls me at work when she thinks that is the best place to catch me. It's just in this case it was not at all the best thing for me.
Posted by B2chica on May 30, 2008, at 7:59:48
In reply to Re: Not a thing » B2chica, posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 14:38:49
anytime.
and ok...so we'll let T slide this time (hehe)
i'm glad your ok. your sounding better. sounds like that raisin confidence is back....strong!take care
b2c.
Posted by raisinb on May 30, 2008, at 10:24:29
In reply to what is wrong with me?, posted by raisinb on May 29, 2008, at 11:08:37
I had the same nightmare over and over last night--that I was driving my car while outside or on top of it, so I couldn't reach the brakes. I kept running red lights and crashing into people, houses, etc. It was terrifying.
But what does that *mean*? Arg.
This is the end of the thread.
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