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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 6:11:17
You would think that after all this time I would have figured it out.
But.. I've been trying to figure out how to relate to him lately and I've disovered it's quite confusing. I've found that going to therapy twice a week really puts him in my head more than before.
For sure he is my doctor (he's a psychiatrist too), so that is very clearly defined object.
But he is more than my doctor. He's kind of my friend, and kind of my coach and kind of my lover (Yikes! but not in a physical sense).
I don't know. How do you guys relate to your T?
Seldom
Posted by backseatdriver on June 10, 2008, at 7:53:55
In reply to What is my therapist?, posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 6:11:17
My therapist is just basically a complicated guy. He favors unpretentious clothing -- khakis, polo shirts -- but everything he wears is always immaculate and perfectly pressed. Not a crease on him. He is fond of sports metaphors, small electronics, thick socks and practical shoes. He is dour but also, curiously, vulnerable to being surprised. He doesn't give off an air of having "heard it all," though I'm sure he's heard a whole lot. He touches his face when he talks. He writes too much in his notebook. I wish he laughed more. I wish he were more comfortable with silence -- I wish he wouldn't be so quick to jump into a silence, just to fill it. Sometimes he seems thoughtful and considerate. At other times, he seems emotionally brittle, insecure, and touchy. He is ambivalent about everything, which makes me unsure about his regard for me. But as a therapist, this quality also makes him a flexible, lateral thinker who can help me see things in my life in lots of different ways. I like this about him very much.
Thanks for asking this question -- just writing this little sketch has helped me hold this guy in mind a little more firmly, which helps a lot with my object constancy problems.
Posted by Dinah on June 10, 2008, at 7:55:02
In reply to What is my therapist?, posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 6:11:17
Well, you probably know for me.
He's my therapist/mommy. A safe firm foundation. (Even when he isn't.) Someone who helps me stay grounded. Someone who can lend some ego strength when I'm running dry.
And I suppose since Daddy died, he is also my therapist/daddy to a lesser extent. Someone to flirt with in that youngdaughter/daddy (in a healthy relationship) way. Someone whose eyes I look at to see amusement and affection and admiration. That's his stretch position though. Only for when I'm feeling secure in him as a therapist/mommy. Definitely not the foremost role.
And since most parental relationships for me also involve some caretaking on my part, that's probably a factor as well, no matter how much he discourages it.
Most importantly, he's my therapist. Which means no matter what role I put him in, there's an overarching framework that makes him much much more than the role I assign him. He's my therapist.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 10, 2008, at 9:05:09
In reply to What is my therapist?, posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 6:11:17
My therapist is the most fascinating man I've ever met......Unfortuately, I have been in love with him for almost 5 years....the reason I went to him is probably different than anyone else's (LOL); my church was going to vote me out of membership for getting a divorce (after 31 years of abuse).
I miraculously found him....a t who was ALSO an expert in spiritual abuse...when the reason was over that brought me to him; I simply stayed with him.
We are alike in over 30 (believe it or not) different ways; we even have the same rare eye disease, fer cryin' out loud, LOL.
He has a fabulous sense of humor, dresses impeccably (I am turned on by a man in a jacket); is the most deeply intellectual human I have ever met; he can take something I think is simple, and take it to the moon and back; by the time he comes back; I don't even remember the topic!!He also FRUSTRATES me to no end. We've had so many deep discussions bout my feelings for him and vice versa.
He should never have revealed those feelings; it is excruciating for me.
A few of his comments: "If I were not married, i would probably go for it."
"You are in my heart and in my head." There are 100's more comments like this. He has teased, tormented and tortured me, but I don't want to leave him.
Posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2008, at 11:52:49
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 10, 2008, at 9:05:09
Mine is female and cold. She keeps asking me why I'm afraid of being alone and I don't know so she now only wants to see me monthly as she said she's seen me for about a year every two weeks and sees no improvement. So she sees no sense in seeing me. It hurts. Love Phillipa
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 10, 2008, at 12:11:17
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?, posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2008, at 11:52:49
> Mine is female and cold.
"Cold" shouldn't be part of being a therapist.
She keeps asking me why I'm afraid of being alone and I don't know so she now only wants to see me monthly as she said she's seen me for about a year every two weeks and sees no improvement.
How can she "see improvement" when she does nothing to help you feel better!!??
So she sees no sense in seeing me. It hurts. Love Phillipa
I am sorry; without empathy a therapist is useless.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by sunnydays on June 10, 2008, at 13:43:22
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?, posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2008, at 11:52:49
I'm sorry it hurts Phillipa. Have you tried to think of explanations, or do you stop when you don't know? Sometimes you have to say things that don't feel right in terms of explanations and then figure out why they don't feel right. You keep revising your ideas until they feel right, and suddenly you have an aha! moment, and it makes sense. If there is no improvement at all after that long, it's unethical for a T to keep seeing a client. She should probably refer you to someone else who may be a better fit. Can you ask her for a referral?
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on June 10, 2008, at 13:45:37
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 10, 2008, at 12:11:17
Sometimes a T's job isn't to make you feel better. Sometimes their job is to make you uncomfortable as heck because that gets you to think about why you are uncomfortable and prompts change. It can't all be warm fuzzies (although some of that is necessary at points). But the real change for me has always occurred when I kind of thought my T was tormenting me - but it pushed me through the issue and to really think about my own conceptions. But empathy is DEFINITELY crucial throughout the whole process.
sunnydays
Posted by backseatdriver on June 10, 2008, at 14:16:43
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?, posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2008, at 11:52:49
Oh, Phillipa. She sounds like a very difficult person. Doesn't she feel any responsibility for what she perceives as your "lack" of progress? (I don't believe in "lack of progress" in therapy.) Surely her coldness has something to do with what's happening right now.
Posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 17:12:55
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?, posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2008, at 11:52:49
Maybe she wants you to say something other than "I don't know" in response to her questions and you aren't ready to talk about that yet.
I gotta say, throughout the course of my therapy the onus of the work has been on me. In fact, of all the things I have ever done, therapy is right up there with the most difficult.
If you think she is cold and perhaps too goal oriented, then to me you have three options:
1. You can quit.
2. You can talk to her about her demeanor and how you are perceiving her comments and maybe reach a common ground where you both are more comfortable in the therapy. See if you can clearly articulate the problem with specific suggestions for what you like her to do.
3. You can see her once a month and continue on the way things are.
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 17:18:52
In reply to Re: What is my therapist? » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on June 10, 2008, at 7:55:02
I think I am beginning to understand that, at least for me, the term "therapist" encompasses a whole host of roles.
To me that makes him very difficult to relate to. But maybe it is up to me to decide which person I need for him to be at any given time.
I don't know. I'm still struggling with this. I can't pin it down as succinctly as you have. He has become this giant amorphous thing that I have to negotiate. I guess that is my therapy work for now.
Seldom.
Posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2008, at 20:01:28
In reply to Re: What is my therapist? » Phillipa, posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 17:12:55
She may want me to say something other than I don't know but I can't lie and make up something as I really don't know. Don't know why afraid of going upstairs in my house. I just don't know. How do I find out? I've searched my mind for years now and nothing. Phillipa
Posted by muffled on June 10, 2008, at 23:39:43
In reply to What is my therapist?, posted by seldomseen on June 10, 2008, at 6:11:17
> You would think that after all this time I would have figured it out.
>
> But.. I've been trying to figure out how to relate to him lately and I've disovered it's quite confusing. I've found that going to therapy twice a week really puts him in my head more than before.
>
> For sure he is my doctor (he's a psychiatrist too), so that is very clearly defined object.
>
> But he is more than my doctor. He's kind of my friend, and kind of my coach and kind of my lover (Yikes! but not in a physical sense).
>
> I don't know. How do you guys relate to your T?
>
> Seldom* sigh...my oldT...it WAS hard to leAve, cuz she was more like a sister to me really. Like family. Yet she was also my T. I seemed to be able to shift pace according to what role seemed in play at the time. But of course it was WAY more of a connection on my part than hers. Its so onesided.
She was huge to me. Still is. Its getting easier w/o her though. I kinda glad to get away. Therapy relationship is too confusing. OK, truth or dare....ok...truth...sigh...I STILL phone and listen to her answer machine from time to time...she hasn't been my T for almost 2 months...)
I never really understood what our relationship was either.
Twice a week would be hard, cuz it could further intensify an already intense realtionship.
T's are human, so they can screw up too. Which is sort of frightening in its way.
M
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 11, 2008, at 8:54:32
In reply to Re: What is my therapist? » seldomseen, posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2008, at 20:01:28
>My apologies; my non-techie self wasn't sure who said the (below):
Your therapist is supposed to help you figure out your fear of going upstairs (or any other fears/issues you hae).
If she cannot help, she should say so, and find you someone competent.
There IS a reason, and your t should help you figure it out!
Hugs, Sassy
She may want me to say something other than I don't know but I can't lie and make up something as I really don't know. Don't know why afraid of going upstairs in my house. I just don't know. How do I find out? I've searched my mind for years now and nothing. Phillipa
Posted by DAisym on June 11, 2008, at 21:02:52
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?(Afraid of Going Upstairs, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 11, 2008, at 8:54:32
I think it is interesting that your therapist changes based on who you need him to be, not who he presents himself to be. Roles change, yes, but who we are shouldn't really change when the roles change. I don't know if I'm making sense.
It seems like it would help to see your therapist as who he is - a warm, empathic person who wants to help you. Or a funny, witty person who wants to help you. It might then help you see yourself as who you really are, not just the role you are in for other people. Knowing our core-self, the self that is the essence of who we are, is really important.
I'm not very good at this myself, I must admit. I tend to hide behind those roles, trying to figure out how to be whatever it is a particular person needs me to be. My therapist just wants me to be me - to feel what I'm feeling, not what I think I should be feeling and he wants me to let him be him - to not introject all my fears into him and then treat that as the reality.
it is very, very hard.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on June 12, 2008, at 9:56:54
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?(Afraid of Going Upstairs » sassyfrancesca, posted by DAisym on June 11, 2008, at 21:02:52
> Hi, Daisy:
I think it is interesting that your therapist changes based on who you need him to be, not who he presents himself to be.
I am not sure what you mean. He is who he is.
Roles change, yes, but who we are shouldn't really change when the roles change. I don't know if I'm making sense.
>
> It seems like it would help to see your therapist as who he is - a warm, empathic person who wants to help you. Or a funny, witty person who wants to help you.He is all of those things. The reason I went to him (church abuse, and he is an expert in the subject of spiritual abuse)....when that mess was all over, I stayed with him.
It might then help you see yourself as who you really are, not just the role you are in for other people.
Oh, trust me; I know myself (at least consciously) as much as one can know onesself.
Knowing our core-self, the self that is the essence of who we are, is really important.
I did a lot of work on myself years and years ago; I consider myself my own best friend. In essence, I am my own woman; seems I always have been. I understand myself. I march to my own beat.
>
> I'm not very good at this myself, I must admit. I tend to hide behind those roles, trying to figure out how to be whatever it is a particular person needs me to be. My therapist just wants me to be me - to feel what I'm feeling, not what I think I should be feeling and he wants me to let him be him - to not introject all my fears into him and then treat that as the reality.Because my t has allowed me to "see" him (his words, I know a LOT about him personally. He told me (I was amazed) that I had taught him "courage."
Thanks for writing!
>
> it is very, very hard.
>
Posted by DAisym on June 12, 2008, at 12:31:09
In reply to Re: What is my therapist?(Afraid of Going Upstairs, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 12, 2008, at 9:56:54
Not that it couldn't apply to anyone else, of course. Didn't mean to be confusing.
Hate that darn button!
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