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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 16:09:11
Of course, it didn't dawn on me that that's what we were working on until I got home from my session. We talked about how I'm not nohow, noway ready to forgive my mother for leaving me to take care of my dad while I was still in high school. (My grades went into the toilet, I started to act out, and hopes of going to university fled, etc. etc.) I'm all grown up now, and still telling the same old story - abandonment. How she shouldn't have left a teenager to caretake an alcoholic.
OK, then. So by talking and crying and sitting with it, by the end of the hour I come to see how the timing wasn't anything special. Her decision had nothing to do with me at all. And most of all, the abandonment had happened decades earlier, when I was a baby. Emotional abandonment. Blew my socks off - the relief at letting go of my old story was almost like saying goodbye to an old friend.
Who am I without this story?
I now think that it was purely coincidental - that my mom had gotten to the point where she had saved up enough money and was able to support herself financially, and that's when she moved out. It happened to coincide with my troubles during my teenage years - and when the guidance counselor got wind of the home situation - "oh, divorce!", they quietly let me drop a class here and there, my dropping grades were no longer commented on; my being on track to university was recalculated to "maybe you're better suited to working on an assembly line"; and of course I stayed out to all hours of the night. Who was watching? Nobody - but then, nobody EVER was watching. I think those things probably would have happened without my mom's leaving. Who knows?
What an interesting day.
Posted by Damos on July 29, 2008, at 18:13:50
In reply to That reframing thing, posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 16:09:11
Oh my...is that a little ray of sunshine I see peeking through =0)
Sounds like it was a wonderful session. I'm very pleased for you, so very pleased. It's been a rough old time of late, so this was nice to see.
Who are you without this story? Still you, just a lighter, brighter you it would seem (if the tone of this post is any guide).
Oh, and if you look up on the hill you'll see who's watching. Your babble family cheer squad.
Posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 18:16:47
In reply to Re: That reframing thing » Partlycloudy, posted by Damos on July 29, 2008, at 18:13:50
Oh
My
Goodness
What a sight for these happier but sore-from-crying eyes. Yes, indeed. We Worked really hard today.
love,
Partlycloudy
Posted by llurpsienoodle on July 29, 2008, at 18:56:18
In reply to Re: That reframing thing » Damos, posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 18:16:47
PArtlyCLoudy,
You are such an amazing person. What a break through- you HAVE been working so hard.My T was talking today about how hard it is (but important) that we, as adults, come to view our parents as we would any other adult. Quirky, flawed, miserable to hang out with, hilarious, etc -- and to decide our level of involvement based on our assessment of them right now. I kind of like this step of pre-forgiveness.
(((((((((partlycloudy)))))))))))
you have an intact and strong heart. You are deep and sensible and have a quiet wisdom. THAT stuff does not go away when you start to sever ties to your "story"
hugs for you,
-Ll
Posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 19:36:30
In reply to Re: That reframing thing » Partlycloudy, posted by llurpsienoodle on July 29, 2008, at 18:56:18
> PArtlyCLoudy,
> You are such an amazing person. What a break through- you HAVE been working so hard.My T was extra careful in prefacing today's session by telling me it might be hard. In the end, though, it felt like a grand release. Obviously, this is something that I have been working towards for some time (and without any clue that I'd be doing so - DOH!). Yet she guided me quite gently to the place I ended up at, and I feel empowered by it; not less than, the person I was when I walked in today. That's powerful stuff. (I hope she brags about it to her peers.)
>
> My T was talking today about how hard it is (but important) that we, as adults, come to view our parents as we would any other adult. Quirky, flawed, miserable to hang out with, hilarious, etc -- and to decide our level of involvement based on our assessment of them right now. I kind of like this step of pre-forgiveness.
>The great part is that I don't believe I have to do anything outwardly in this process - I don't have to behave any differently towards my mother, or try to cultivate a different relationship. She's got some pretty severe limitations in the degree of intimacy that she's able to achieve with any of her children (or her siblings, for that matter) - she's much more at ease with complete strangers. I'm OK with that now. That's the most forgiving that I'm willing to do at the moment, but I sense that it is huge.
> (((((((((partlycloudy)))))))))))
>
> you have an intact and strong heart. You are deep and sensible and have a quiet wisdom. THAT stuff does not go away when you start to sever ties to your "story"
>
> hugs for you,
> -Ll(((((((Llurpsienoodle))))) right back to you. Thanks for sharing this journey with me. I feel so grateful for being able to do this.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 30, 2008, at 7:12:39
In reply to Re: That reframing thing » llurpsienoodle, posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 19:36:30
You should be SO proud of yourself.....We cannot change what happened to us, BUT....once we are adults we have choices (trite, I know), but true.....i was abandoned physically by a father (I never knew; met him when I was 33, and emotionally by a emotionally, physically violent, mentally ill mother.
She even ran away from home one day......I am sure she doesnt remember that; much less the impact it had on me (being that there were no other family members).......
Again, I am SO proud of you, and I hope you are proud of YOU, too.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Phillipa on July 30, 2008, at 13:12:31
In reply to Re: That reframing thing, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 30, 2008, at 7:12:39
I know the feeling abandoned emotionally by parents as a baby. Both dead now so many questions I wish I had the answers too. Ask now if able to. And you did have a very good session to me any how. Phillipa
Posted by Damos on July 30, 2008, at 17:22:54
In reply to Re: That reframing thing » Damos, posted by Partlycloudy on July 29, 2008, at 18:16:47
Hey PC,
I honestly believe that this is one of the greatest gifts we can be given by anyone. The gift of being able to see other alternatives, possibilites that could be as equally true as the stories we've been telling ourselves our whole lives.
It is so powerful and profound because all we have to do is allow the possibilities that these other things could be just as true. That's it. We don't have to give up our story. We don't have to give up who we are. We don't have to change in any way shape or form. But we are left changed as a result through the simple acts of allowing and acceptance. Just getting to a place where you can entertain the idea of there being other possibilties is a huge thing. What's so wonderful is that someone cares enough and trusts us enough to give us the time and the space to find our own way to that place so that when it happens it's like 'What the...' It is a release, a relief, and yes you are left feeling more as a result because you have created a space within you that didn't exist before - a place of endless possibilities and acceptance.
What you said about your mum is right too. You don't have to, probably won't treat her differently, not consciously at least - but you'll probably find that the relationship is changed in subtle ways simply because the lense you're viewing it throught has changed.
Three big cheers for you and your T.
Love,
Damos
This is the end of the thread.
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