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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 12:54:57
and I feel really lonely.
Plus, I've been spending a lot of time on Second Life, the virtual reality space, where I've met a lot of people, but not become close or even friends with anyone. I think it's more me than the place, but of course I can't be sure what anyone else is doing. People say they have such wonderful relationships there, although I'm not sure what that means-- but for whatever reason (and I do wonder, rather demoralizingly, what that reason is)-- I haven't made even one vaguely personal connection.
Despite that, I enjoyed going there, but since my T left, I really haven't wanted to. Which is good, because it's a huge waste of time-- and I've been more productive since I cut down (only about three days-- he's been away about a week and a half)--but I"m feeling lonely and at a loss.
There are other reasons-- but I think it's mostly my T being away. I see him a lot and it's not that I feel abandoned-- but he's probably the one person I see and and one place I go. I don't really have activities-- and I gave up the one I have tonight to do some extra work.
This doesn't seem to amount to a hill of beans, I guess.
Babble seems so quiet, too. But I can't complain exactly-- seeing as I haven't been around myself.
I guess this is just a case of feeling dreary and disconnected from things and wishing I didn't, and wondering why I give in to feeling too afraid to do anything or go anywhere-- and then also feeling so far off from things and so isolated.
Nadezda
Posted by onceupon on August 4, 2008, at 14:56:56
In reply to My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 12:54:57
"I guess this is just a case of feeling dreary and disconnected from things and wishing I didn't, and wondering why I give in to feeling too afraid to do anything or go anywhere-- and then also feeling so far off from things and so isolated."
This really is a vicious cycle, isn't it? Is there any way you could reinstate the activity you had planned for tonight? I definitely understand the pull towards staying in, but every now and then, I feel good after forcing myself to go out (when I get the opportunity).
Posted by Sigismund on August 4, 2008, at 15:18:05
In reply to My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 12:54:57
> I think it's more me than the place,
I kind of doubt it, but since cognative impairment, laziness and elements of scorn prevent my acquaintance with that place, I should perhaps refrain from further opinion.
I have no good ideas about fear either. My idea for me was to read about historical events that were much more frightening than the times we live in today, mass arrests, that sort of thing.
I'm sure you can imagine.
Posted by raisinb on August 4, 2008, at 16:27:27
In reply to My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 12:54:57
Hi Nadezda--
Yuck, four weeks is a long time. I think it's normal to feel alone when your therapist isn't around, no matter how many other relationships you might have. There just isn't anyone who sees you in the same way.It sounds like you're beating yourself up for being isolated, which makes things worse. I do the same thing--thinking there must be something about me that makes me doomed to be alone. So I isolate further. This does create a vicious cycle. It helps to try and remember that those thoughts aren't necessarily true. I'm sure most of your isolation--if not all--is due to chance/ circumstances. Hang in there.
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2008, at 17:08:25
In reply to My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 12:54:57
It's hard for me to believe it has anything to do with you. I'm not familiar with Second Life, but if they don't value your intelligence, humor, and sensitivity it's their loss.
I'm no fan of therapists taking long vacations, and I think it's more than enough reason to feel sad and disconnected. But if he really is one of the few people you see and one of the few places you go, and if you're not happy with that, maybe his vacation gives you a chance to think of what changes you might want to make?
Which would be doing as I say, not as I do. lol. I'd probably decide to take a long long nap.
Babble is quiet right now, but the people who are here are very supportive. I hope you find it a good place to come if you're feeling lonely and wanting to talk.
I'm currently getting kind of excited about the 2009 Babble party in San Francisco. I'm thinking of making my reservations before prices go up any more. Is there any chance you could join us there?
Posted by Suedehead on August 4, 2008, at 20:39:25
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks » Nadezda, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2008, at 17:08:25
I'm sorry, Nadezda. Four weeks is a long time. Mine is gone for two and a half weeks (I've made it through four days so far) and I'm struggling, too. You'll make it through, though.
As for Second Life, how long have you been playing? If it hasn't been too long, maybe it's just a matter of time before you start to feel more connected to people there. And if you've already been playing awhile, then I'd be inclined to think that it's nothing to do with you, and that it's their loss. Another possibility is that you already *do* have the sorts of relationships that other people there have (since you mentioned that you *have* met a lot of people), but that they don't fulfill you the way they do others--in other words, that you just want/need more out of them, for whatever reason (and this is not a bad thing). I often have this thought regarding my own social life, so I may just be sort of projecting, but I figured I'd throw it out there anyway.
I agree with Dinah that your T's vacation presents you with a good opportunity to think about how you might be able to make some changes in your life to alleviate your feelings of isolation and disconnectedness. My T, too, is one of the only people I see with any regularity (and possibly the only person I feel truly 'safe' with, emotionally), so I definitely understand your sadness over his being away, but I'm trying to figure out how I can start to engage with other people while he's gone. Honestly, I'm not really making much progress, but I do think that one day I (and you!) will get there.
Posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 21:31:55
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by onceupon on August 4, 2008, at 14:56:56
Hi. That was a great idea, onceupon. I went back and forth about this today, because it would mean leaving something early, which I don't like to do, and also taking the chance that I would leave early and then come up with an excuse and not go, after all.
But I did leave early and did go-- and I think it really worked out for the better that I went. I still feel badly about some activities that I haven't done, but I did have a good conversation with someone, and was able to say goodbye to someone else who's leaving town. Missing saying goodbye to her would really have been sad, too.
So while the feeling isn't gone, exactly, I did get away from it for a while.
So, thanks again for the suggestion-- !
Nadezda
Posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 21:43:41
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by Sigismund on August 4, 2008, at 15:18:05
Hi, Sigismund.
Hmmmm. If I didn't know your exquisite taste and impatience with more banal elements of popular culture-- I'd almost say you were an intellectual Luddite.
Plus, I might think you thought I had bad judgment or pastimes, or both...
but since I do know your taste--- I'll bow my head in silence.
As far mass arrests, suicide bombings, and the like-- I do think about it. And while I'm extremely grateful that I don't live in such unbearable circumstances, it mostly horrifies me that anyone does. I tend to bury my head in the sand quickly, at the thought of that. Do you really find that reading about it helps?
Fear is, though, a thing that I struggle with a lot. Luckily my fears, so far, have mostly kept me within a very narrow world--although they have led to serious losses, that are often not even felt--sometimes they are, though-- And this is a frustrating, although safer-seeming little world-- However, it does terrify me, at times, to think of all the things that could break through that.
Nadezda
Posted by onceupon on August 4, 2008, at 21:52:36
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks » onceupon, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 21:31:55
So glad to hear that you decided to go and that it went well! Good for you - now if I could just follow my own advice now and then :)
Posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 23:00:57
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks » Nadezda, posted by raisinb on August 4, 2008, at 16:27:27
Hi, raisinb. Thanks for your thoughts.
I think it really is my responsibility that I'm alone so much. I do avoid things that make me anxious-- and probably overestimate how badly I'll feel, or how uncomfortable I'll seem to people-- and therefore just don't want to take the chance of going places. Even when I decide I'll do things, I change my mind at the last minute-- something comes up, or I don't "feel like"it-- or I suddenly feel like working on something instead.
So I kind of don't feel too good about my not pushing myself to do things I know I should, or should want to-- I mean I would want to, if I weren't scared.
It's a bad tendency, cutting yourself too much slack, and making excuses all the time-- and I've been trying to overcome it, without a lot of success so far. Even my T has gotten extremely impatient with me-- and I know he's right.
Except when it's time to do something-- then somehow I completely forget. So, I think I am beating myself up a bit-- which doesn't necessarily do any good; but then cutting myself more slack doesn't either.
In fact, I've been putting something else off for days, that I really have to do tomorrow-- something really easy and sort of just going somewhere and trying to renew a locker-- and I've built up all sorts of imaginary fears of their saying no--- and having taken all my stuff out-- and how will I get it home-- That's what I tend to do-- So I have to get myself to go tomorrow--- but I also am dreading it at the same time.
It's a vicious cycle. that I need to break out of. But then I don't.
Nadezda
Posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 23:21:45
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks » Nadezda, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2008, at 17:08:25
You're right, Dinah. I know I should.
I have this tendency, though-- to make plans and then let my (negative) phantasies grow-- until I"ve developed a serious dread of the whole thing-- at which point-- I back out. It's happened countless times.
And even when I do manage to do something-- I somehow don't find the courage to do it again.
It's not a way to live-- and my T says he knows I'm able to do it-- I'm just sort of undisciplined and used to giving myself way too much leaway to get out of things-- because I'm upset, or afraid, or have decided it won't work out. I have a million excuses--- really. And they always seem so real--
I need to work on remembering that I want things-- which I always forget. That I want to go places and take a class-- and see things in the world. It's as if I start wanting something-- and eventually talk myself into believing it's being imposed on me by someone-- I'm being forced against my will--- and then I rebel against whoever it "making me" do something that's way too hard for me.
The process is so absurd-- but it really does happen. My T says I have to stop overvaluing my feelings. As I was saying-- he's right-- he actually is usually right-- despite my fighting him each step of the way.
DBT is really good for me---because I do need to learn emotional regulation-- and distress tolerance-- and acceptance (of how hard it;s going to be, but doing it anyway, among other things). I 've got to redouble my efforts, I think. And try to remember that it all starts because some part of me wants these thing-- that it's actually going to be exciting, or valuable-- and that if I give it up, I'll be losing something that might mean a lot--
I'm actually going to San Francisco in about two weeks. I mean I've got a plane reservation-- despite being afraid of flying-- and I've promised that I will. I keep wondering when-- and if, but probably when-- I'm going to start to panic. I'm worried that it might be on the plane. It still feels very unreal I guess. But the reality will hit. It scares me that it hasn't yet.
When is the 2009 Babble party? If I did somehow get past some of this, I would come. It's hard to think of myself as doing that-- but if I did, I'd be a completely different kind of person, then-- much more like the person I'm trying to become. That's a lot to expect, though, I think.
Sorry, I am really babbling.
This whole thing--this year, my T's abruptly being gone, the upcoming trip, the topsy-turviness of the last month-- has me in a very weird place. I honestly don't know what will happen.
Thanks so much for what you said, though,
Nadezda
Posted by Sigismund on August 5, 2008, at 0:26:13
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 21:43:41
>Plus, I might think you thought I had bad judgment or pastimes, or both...
I don't know much about your pastimes but I think a lot of your judgement.
Is it true that there is a Marx Lenin Slobodan Milosovich bookshop on Second Life?
Posted by backseatdriver on August 5, 2008, at 8:17:07
In reply to My Therapist is away for four more weeks, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 12:54:57
Mine's away for four weeks, too. One week down, three to go. All I can say is, yep, I hear ya -- it stinks. I'm trying to stay busy, and out of the shops! Retail therapy is a tempting substitute and the justification is so very easy - the money saved on real therapy could buy a lot of stuff.
But stuff is the last thing I need. :)
Posted by Dinah on August 5, 2008, at 10:20:32
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks » Dinah, posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 23:21:45
Here's a link to the thread on Admin about the 2009 party.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20080424/msgs/830633.html
I hope you decide to come. :) You won't meet a bunch of more accepting people who know exactly what it feels like to be anxious. I'd really love to meet you. I haven't met Babblers except for that time in Chicago. In 2010, if tradition holds, it will be in New Orleans. That would make it easier for me.
(And of course I mean that for everyone, not just Nadezda.)
I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I certainly know that it's not that easy. I beat myself up all the time because I can't seem to make myself do what my mind wills. I use huge amounts of energy trying to force myself to do something, and then beating myself up afterwards if I don't. I'm especially bad about social things. I'm positive I'm a social liability and that my family is better off without me. But they're often sad that I don't go.
Posted by Phillipa on August 5, 2008, at 12:48:24
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks » Nadezda, posted by Dinah on August 5, 2008, at 10:20:32
Oh I isolate too and only like to go out in public places and see that there are other people in the world as this neighborhood is so empty. Everyone out daily doing something no idea what and the thought of cleaning is more than overwhelming. No money to buy things. Phillipa been out and gone so late on the thread
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