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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 12:44:32
I'm not sure why I'm even writing--maybe I'm just complelled to.
I lost my dream job out of the blue last week. Shut off in the space of two days, and I didn't see it coming. I loved my job, but this may sound silly, but I really loved my office the best. Getting out of the house to work for a year on something I was passionate about was so good for me and especially, for my marriage (my husband works at home too).
Basically, what happened is my partner, who was providing the funding, made the decision to cut our losses and just close down. I was responsible for the creative side of the business. My partner pulled out prematurely, long before we expected to be making money.
I was so shocked it took me a week to even absorb it.
I think I've decided to proceed on my own with the same idea. At least that's what my T and my pdoc have decided for me. And I mean that. My pdoc just assumed I would keep going. He said, "Don't let XX's failure be your own." Actually, I didn't think of this as a failure of my own because it wasn't my fault. This is huge because in the past I would have assumed responsibility, but I'm not this time. I can see this clearly.
But this has brought up so many scary feelings, and nightmares about my father that I can't remember, but feel the anxiety and terror when I first wake up.
My pdoc says to just keep moving; don't get "paralyzed by analysis," which is also commonplace for me. But it's so hard. It makes me want my pdoc so badly. For what? I don't even know; it's just a longing I haven't ever had for him before.
I'm so confused, and feel like i'm slipping, slipping into that terrible place.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2008, at 13:12:14
In reply to Lost my dream job, posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 12:44:32
I'm so sorry. :(
Your reaction is not really pathological. I don't know if that hurts or helps, but most people would feel the same.
I'm also not going to underestimate the scariness of going out on your own, having to search for funding, and taking on full responsibility for the consequences. From what you describe, your therapist and pdoc are being a bit cavalier about that. But then therapists and pdocs are not generally business people.
So... When you decide if going on on your own is a good idea for you at this moment, I know you'll seek out consultants who are. Legal people about organizing so as best to protect your personal assets. Money people about the least expensive way to capitalize. No matter what your business is, when you're on your own you are defacto a business person. If you're used to being the artistic side, that's going to be a shock to the system.
But that's for the future. Allow yourself some time to grieve the position that was taken from you. Even if you continue on, it will not be in precisely the same position. Make sure your therapist and pdoc understand that.
Posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 13:19:05
In reply to Re: Lost my dream job » antigua3, posted by Dinah on September 18, 2008, at 13:12:14
Thanks for all the advice. It's greatly appreciated.
I have run my own business for about 16 years and this was just an extension of it that I had tried once before but I couldn't handle it emotionally back then. (I had another baby instead; how's that for handling the crisis? Very typical for me. Unfortunately, I can't have a baby this time around...)
I don't need funding now or in the forseeable future. I can set it up w/min $$$ and see if it works and then decide what to do.
I agree w/you that my pdoc and T's responses were pretty cavalier. It bothers me quite a bit. My T was reacting to my enthusiasm and did help me decide to proceed, but my pdoc didn't even measure that, and said this was the time for action and not for feelings.
But the feelings are there.
antigua
Posted by Nadezda on September 18, 2008, at 13:41:49
In reply to Re: Lost my dream job » Dinah, posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 13:19:05
Gosh, antigua, that's bound to be a shock. If nothing else, it takes a while to absorb that kind of radical change, especially when it comes out of the blue, and you have no control over it.
Maybe you need to give yourself a little space to take it in, without moving to what you'll do. I do hope you go on with it, because it sounds as though this is what you want-- and it would be a shame to let someone else's loss of confidence or energy, or commitment take that away.
But, even if you assume, as a going-in thing that you can pursue it if you want, you need time to get through the initial phases of just accepting that you're on your own.
I'm really sorry it turned out this way-- but give yourself a lot of compassion and room to be taken aback, and disappointed. As Dinah said, it's a very understandable part of your reaction-- even though it's by no means a life sentence to being without this dream occupation that you've found. If you give it a little space-- but don't let it completely take over-- maybe you can find the way to stay with the dream, which would be great.
Nadezda
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2008, at 14:27:54
In reply to Re: Lost my dream job » Dinah, posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 13:19:05
:(
I don't suppose it occurs to him that the feelings need to be addressed so that the action can proceed unhindered?
It sounds as if you're prepared for this step, even if it's not ideally what you wished.
Unless the window of opportunity is too small to allow it, take some time to regret what won't be, and to gear up to whatever will be. I hesitate to use the term, but I've always thought feeling sorry for oneself has an undeservedly bad name. It may not be a great final destination, but IMO, it's a perfectly appropriate stage of the journey.
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2008, at 14:32:33
In reply to Re: Lost my dream job » antigua3, posted by Dinah on September 18, 2008, at 14:27:54
I hope I didn't offend you by sharing my own personal philosophy. No offense was meant at all. It's more my weird way of looking at things.
When my son was little and one of us had a really upsetting day, we'd break out "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" video. We made a plate with rain showers and "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" written on it for whoever had a rotten day to use at dinner. We'd sit and feel very very sorry for ourselves. We'd throw a pity party. My husband thought we were nuts, but it always made me feel better and I think it made him feel better too. Of course, now he's old enough to think I'm nuts too. Darn it.
Posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 14:48:13
In reply to Re: Lost my dream job, posted by Nadezda on September 18, 2008, at 13:41:49
I hadn't taken into consideration that I really may need some time to accept what happened. Jumping forward does keep me busy, but obviously with the underlying longing feelings I'm having for my pdoc, something is not quite right.
This also brings up a very difficult situation with my husband--I won't be making money for a while and in the past, especially when I've been focused on my therapy and couldn't really work, he has been very angry and it has been ugly, especialy about him thinking I shouldn't be paying for therapy when I wasn't bringing in enough.
I really don't want to go back to that place with him (I was drawing a salary w/my partner--not tops, but enough to help us get by), and we've already discussed it once. But I don't trust that he won't revert to form, or to the actualities of our life, like we need money to live, our oldest is in college, our second one will be in a few years, etc.
It's sad and it's just triggering me in ways that I don't understand. Like longing for my pdoc, although he can't/won't help with this. My T is there, but I don't want her.
Thanks for listening,
antigua
Posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 14:50:10
In reply to Re: Lost my dream job, posted by Dinah on September 18, 2008, at 14:32:33
Of course I'm not offended. You offered very sound advice. Not weird at all.
I love that book. We have a well-worn copy, probably our second one at that! I used to pull it out for bad days my kids had at school.
Maybe I should go find it for myself.
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on September 18, 2008, at 17:36:09
In reply to Lost my dream job, posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 12:44:32
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 18, 2008, at 19:44:34
In reply to Lost my dream job, posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 12:44:32
Man, that sucks Antigua. I hope you will take whatever time you need to process the loss and then move on in the way that makes the most sense to you. I hate it for you, though.
(((((((((Antiqua)))))))))
Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2008, at 0:39:06
In reply to You and Dinah are right, posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 14:48:13
Ugh. Well, that adds a nasty wrinkle into the situation.
Has he said he'll be supportive this time? Of course no way to tell how he'll react if he starts feeling anxious or stressed. Is there some way to frame this that might help him feel positive about it?
Posted by antigua3 on September 19, 2008, at 9:07:39
In reply to Re: You and Dinah are right » antigua3, posted by Dinah on September 19, 2008, at 0:39:06
Well, he was enthusiastic about the job I had, and was very accommodating--for him, that is. Even though I'll be basically doing the same thing--or the whole thing--he seems to have withdrawn his support.
I don't know; it's complicated.
But why do I long for my pdoc so much???
antigua
Posted by DAisym on September 19, 2008, at 20:39:42
In reply to Re: You and Dinah are right » Dinah, posted by antigua3 on September 19, 2008, at 9:07:39
My guess is that the longing for your pdoc has a lot to do with the male/safety thing. You want a dad to come and make it all better - even as you know that 1) Dads don't already do that and 2) your pdoc won't. But that doesn't stop the longing for a safe, logical, supportive person.
And I think it is a male/female thing, in some ways. I also have to wonder if this is about needing to show your hurting self to him and see if he will comfort you. I could be way off, of course.
I'm sorry this has happened. I know how excited you were about this job. I hope you can find another partner and in the meantime, keep working on the pieces that you can so that you don't lose momentum.
Posted by antigua3 on September 22, 2008, at 10:49:23
In reply to Re: You and Dinah are right » antigua3, posted by DAisym on September 19, 2008, at 20:39:42
You're probably right about the longing. I know thoughts of my father come into my head, missing him terribly (it's his b.d. this week)and then the feelings move onto my pdoc.
At my last appt, that's what I wanted--to be comforted and consoled, and no, that's not what he did. He pushed me toward action, which is good because I'm cognizant of this "paralysis by analysis" and he did help me to recognize it and to keep going. But he didn't offer any comfort. "There's a time for feelings and there's a time for action," he said, and this was a time for action.
As hard as that was to take, for me it was probably right, but the next appt is going to be about feelings. If he ignored them, then we will start another ride on our merry-go-round.
Just being aware of my paralysis as a trait and an immediate behavior when faced with this kind of thing has helped me. But it hasn't helped the feelings at all, and I really hurt. The weekend was bad, and today is bad. I see him tomorrow.
Thanks for the kind words about the job. I'm going to try, at least, but I don't have any idea where it's going to lead. I have a roadmap of sorts, but whether or not I can implement it is a whole other thing. But I don't want to talk about that tomorrow w/my pdoc; I feel like that's a waste of my unearned money!
take care Daisy,
antigua
Posted by rskontos on September 22, 2008, at 15:16:03
In reply to Lost my dream job, posted by antigua3 on September 18, 2008, at 12:44:32
Antigua,
I am so sorry you lost your job. Anytime would have been bad and to have no warning.
I am sorry your husband can't find a way around being supportive of you when you need it most.
I understand how you feel about your p-doc. And I do think Daisym hit it right about having some one like a Dad to make it all better. Even knowing they can't and won't doesn't mean you don't have the longing. Someone who can help support you and make you feel stronger. Especially when you anticipate hard times ahead with your husband and therapy/pdoc.
Good luck. I am struggling with doing something that my DH doesn't support me in, in fact, no one in my family does but my p-doc does. Funny that sometimes he supports me and listens in a way no one else IRL does. So I get how this time with losing something so important to you would make you long for someone that you think really listens without making judgements.
rsk
Posted by antigua3 on September 22, 2008, at 18:32:38
In reply to Re: Lost my dream job » antigua3, posted by TherapyGirl on September 18, 2008, at 19:44:34
This is the end of the thread.
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