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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Looney Tunes on January 12, 2009, at 20:01:13
I notice that the majority of my therapy is about the relationship with my T and about what T thinks and what I think T thinks. (LOL!!)
I never sit down and say "This week has been so stressful because of x, y, z,....."
It's more like "T, I know you want to dump me and I think it sucks that you don't fess up to it because I hate that you are lying to me."
What the heck type of therapy is this?
And then T challenges my beliefs or accusations. To which I come back with others.The few things I have shared with T, usually we wind up back into the "relationship stuff."
So, is this how transference works? Or is this just me not trusting to get to the other issues?
When I read that others have actual conversations with their T about their weeks or issues, I am thinking I am missing something....
Any thoughts or comments. Thanks!
Posted by lucie lu on January 12, 2009, at 21:39:08
In reply to Is it supposed to be all about the relationship?, posted by Looney Tunes on January 12, 2009, at 20:01:13
LT,
It depends to a large extent on what you are trying to get out of therapy. If your problem is that you find it difficult to be intimate in your relationships, then perhaps what you feel about your relationship with your T may be more relevant than what you did that week at work. However, for most of us, if our workplace burned down that day, it would be worth bringing this fact up during the session and would be weird if you didn't. Usually it is not such a good thing if therapy ignores either your inner or outer lives altogether, and over-emphasis on either can be a means to avoid working on what really needs to be addressed in your therapy. Do you feel your therapy is addressing the problems you want it to deal with?
Lucie
Posted by workinprogress on January 13, 2009, at 0:49:45
In reply to Is it supposed to be all about the relationship?, posted by Looney Tunes on January 12, 2009, at 20:01:13
I think Lucie's response is very good and pointed. That really is the point... are you moving forward on the issues you think are important. Though, sometimes we don't know. I know for me I came with one issue (help me out of the pain of the breakup) and moved to the vague amorphous "I want to grow".
That said... my conversations with my T go from work, to dating/friends, to "us". I would say it's pretty darn equal between the three. I wish it was less work, but I'm a manager and my "stuff" plays out with the people I manage all the time, so it makes sense. And even when I think we don't have to talk about the "us" that it might be assumed... she asks me to say my thoughts... nothing is assumed. Because, she would say, in the end our relationship is a "microcosm". So, when there's something to learn in terms of what goes on/went on between the two of us, it's the best, because we have both perspectives in the room.
So, there's the "both perspectives" piece and also the just plain, I'm trying to figure out you and what you mean to me (transference) piece. For my T and I, she was all about getting close and bonding and me opening up to her. It was critical, but scary... and we had to talk about it A LOT. A WHOLE LOT. Less now, but sometimes it is still THE THING.
I think everyone is different, but... what you will hear over and over again is "hmm... maybe you should talk to your T about that". That's probably good advice here. It'll be scary, but probably good and you'll a) learn something and b) hopefully get what you need.
Good luck!
WIP
>
> I notice that the majority of my therapy is about the relationship with my T and about what T thinks and what I think T thinks. (LOL!!)
>
> I never sit down and say "This week has been so stressful because of x, y, z,....."
>
> It's more like "T, I know you want to dump me and I think it sucks that you don't fess up to it because I hate that you are lying to me."
>
> What the heck type of therapy is this?
> And then T challenges my beliefs or accusations. To which I come back with others.
>
> The few things I have shared with T, usually we wind up back into the "relationship stuff."
>
> So, is this how transference works? Or is this just me not trusting to get to the other issues?
>
> When I read that others have actual conversations with their T about their weeks or issues, I am thinking I am missing something....
>
> Any thoughts or comments. Thanks!
>
>
>
>
Posted by Phillipa on January 13, 2009, at 1:05:16
In reply to Re: Is it supposed to be all about the relationship?, posted by workinprogress on January 13, 2009, at 0:49:45
I had hope my T would be the x, y, z type and we'd talk about what my problems were but never did she didn't talk about all my losses and fears. kept saying why. heck if I'd know why would I have been there? That's the type Of T I'd like to find one that tries to listen to me and what is bothering me. Love Phillipa
Posted by Wittgensteinz on January 13, 2009, at 4:31:57
In reply to Is it supposed to be all about the relationship?, posted by Looney Tunes on January 12, 2009, at 20:01:13
I think the style varies with therapist, therapy type and the needs of the client.
It sounds like you have great difficulty in trusting the relationship and fear of abandonment. These are big issues and will directly influence your relationship with your T. It seems like these issues are so big that they perhaps are a boundary to other 'less pressing' issues. Can I ask how long you've been seeing your T? Also, does he initiate topics or ask questions, steer you toward/away from certain things? How does the session play out? You ask these questions, he answers but does he ever interpret why you need to ask him this time and time again?
Could you not ask him this yourself? Why do the sessions always go this way, what does it mean, is it good that they do? I think you are testing the water with him, trying to find a way to trust he won't leave, and maybe when you feel a little more certain of that, you will be able to move along other paths, talk about other things. Of course, it's likely that trust and abandonment will be recurring themes in your therapy.
I can relate, I have these problems too - severe trust issues, largely because of the way I view myself. Something small can completely disturb the trust I have in my T, then I can't really think about anything else. If there's a way to twist something around to support my fear of trust and abandonment then I will do exactly that. That said, I do talk about many things in therapy - past, present, and how these relate to me and him in the here and now.
What I've seen is that in time I've learned to take some distance from my fears. I can say "of course my reaction is to think you just want to get rid of me" rather than saying "you want to get rid of me", and then maybe relate this fear to something real I experienced in my past, and then the session goes on from there. Getting to the root of it alleviates the problem somewhat.
Witti
Posted by backseatdriver on January 13, 2009, at 10:50:41
In reply to Re: Is it supposed to be all about the relationshi, posted by Wittgensteinz on January 13, 2009, at 4:31:57
An oblique and maybe off-target response: Is it possible that what you're feeling is a split between the world of therapy and the rest of your life? And that perhaps you wish for more integration of the two?
Posted by Looney Tunes on January 13, 2009, at 14:37:37
In reply to Is it supposed to be all about the relationship?, posted by Looney Tunes on January 12, 2009, at 20:01:13
Well, Thanks everyone.
I have been with T for 7-8 months. Before this T, I have only had one other adult T for 5 years and unfortunately, I can't remember the process...that is why I ask these questions.
So, trust and abandonment is huge for me. I understand that intellectually. I was a foster kid and my life was not stable. BUT, no matter what happens, it comes back to the relationship with the T.
If my work place burned down, I probably would not mention it. Seriously, unless someone got hurt or killed.
I might say "I know you will see that x building burned down on the news tonight and you will think I did it, but I did not."
That is what I would say. And T would say "I don't think you would burn down a building"
And I would say "Yes you do." and then T would say "Why do you think I think that?" and then I would say "forget you, because you think I am a scumbag."...and it goes on....What if you are not sure what you are supposed to do in therapy to make you right?
Should I be further along in therapy. Past this?
Posted by backseatdriver on January 14, 2009, at 15:08:28
In reply to Re: Is it supposed to be all about the relationship?, posted by Looney Tunes on January 13, 2009, at 14:37:37
LT, I think you're actually really generous in therapy. You don't report on the events of your week unless they have some personal relevance to you. More than that, you include the therapist in your responses to what happens. So there is always a really rich field of material to discuss, and you can be sure that it will always be relevant to you and your concerns.
Posted by LibraryGirl on January 22, 2009, at 10:57:35
In reply to Re: Is it supposed to be all about the relationship?, posted by Looney Tunes on January 13, 2009, at 14:37:37
My first and former T was like this. She'd say that our "relationship" was "part of the therapy." I had/have trust and abandonment issues, so I think she wanted me to feel cared for and got frustrated when I didn't feel it from her or when I questioned whether it was real. Unforunately I think her feelings got confused for me too and our relationship sort of crumbled, and even though sometimes I liked talking about "us" sometimes I didn't. And since I had a hard time talking in the first place, she dictated a lot of what we talked about, which, again, was "the relationship." If you feel like you are missing something in your therapy I think that's a big sign. I felt the same at the time, but I ignored it, and it didn't turn out well. Try to talk to your T about your thoughts and see what she says. Good luck.
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