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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 7:32:46
It's been coming on for a while -- at least a week, but probably a month or more. I feel alone, worthless, useless. And I'm just so done. Really. I can't do this. And no matter how hard I try, despite 24 years of therapy, I can't make my life work. I'm just done.
Posted by antigua3 on January 19, 2009, at 9:30:23
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 7:32:46
Please don't give up. You will get to the other side, I believe that.
I'm really sorry you're feeling so badly right now. You aren't worthless or useless, those are feelings that are being brought forth by how badly you feel right now. But it will pass.
I've been in therapy for a long time and whenever I find that I want to quit, I discover that's when I need it most, that something is coming up that needs to be dealt with. Something's seeping out, and you've had so many challenges in the last year that it's understandable you find it overwhelming right now.
Please try to take care of yourself,
antigua
Posted by Dinah on January 19, 2009, at 10:13:45
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 7:32:46
((( Therapygirl )))
I'm afraid I don't know your diagnosis or if biology plays a large role in your depression. But for myself I know that part of what goes on for me can't be cured by therapy, just managed. It's discouraging, I know, to be back in that place. But try to hold on to the fact that your depression is telling you those things, and depression lies.
I understand your feeling alone, as you anticipate losing an important and consistent support in your life. Losing anyone is hard, but somehow this sort of loss has an extra layer of hard. You've invested so much in a relationship and it seems so strange to have it end this way.
No one knows more than I do that therapists are not interchangeable and that you just can't go find a new one any more than a new puppy would replace a beloved canine friend. Therapists aren't like washing machines. But maybe it would help you feel less alone if you line up new supports for when your therapist leaves. It might take more than one type of support to fill such a huge gap. It won't replace her, and it won't lessen your loss in any way. That can't be done. But it can provide a leg in your support stool. Or many small legs.
Posted by Sigismund on January 19, 2009, at 13:57:07
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 7:32:46
>despite 24 years of therapy, I can't make my life work.
Right.
9 more than me.
I know what you mean.
It's terribly dispiriting.
You can't make it work, but can you endure it?
(Let us not dwell on the question of why it should need to be endured.)
When I'm down I read about the Eastern Front.
Goodness me.
Posted by muffled on January 19, 2009, at 15:30:40
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole, posted by Sigismund on January 19, 2009, at 13:57:07
(((((((((((((((((((((((TG)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hope its gonna be OK.
I am sitting where the sun shines in the window on me.
Its warm.
I like how it feels.
I feel like a cat basking in the sun.
Cats do that alot.
They just bask.
Maybe its a good thing.
((((((((((TG))))))))))
Please keep trying.
Muffled
Posted by raisinb on January 19, 2009, at 18:26:27
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 7:32:46
I agree with Dinah. I hate, hate, hate it when I'm in the black hole and people say, "that's the depression talking," but sometimes it really is the case.
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Babble is always here, so please keep posting. I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a therapist after such a long time. You have a right to feel horrible, and you have a right to be "done" for awhile.
It will not last forever. Please take care of yourself. ((((Therapygirl)))
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 18:38:53
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by raisinb on January 19, 2009, at 18:26:27
Thanks so much for your support. You are the thin thread I am hanging on to right now. This black hole is not specifically about my T abandoning me, but obviously that is in the background of everything else going on. I've had to call her twice this weekend.
I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm not sure how much longer I want to do this.
But I am thankful for each of you and appreciate the support.
Posted by antigua3 on January 19, 2009, at 19:18:09
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole))Everybody, posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 18:38:53
Just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving while you can, while trying not to think too much about what's going on. Me? I'm doing the laundry today so I don't have to think of the sadness, rage or feelings of abandonment.
Or sing. I was once told that singing out loud can help relieve anxiety because it changes our breathing patterns. It has helped me.
Please hang in there, and post about what's bothering if you feel like you can. We are here for you, you know that.
antigua
Posted by Little Soul on January 19, 2009, at 19:53:13
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 7:32:46
{{{{{{{{{Therapygirl)))))))) I agree with what others have said about falling into the dark hole. I'm just coming out of one that lasted for about three months....yes, on meds and seeing my T twice a week. I know the pit of the stomach feeling. I've read a lot of books on people's "dark night of the soul" and it always ended time after time (for some a very long time) there was some unfolding of purpose or direction; like the goodness of life and the goodness of others. Some authors didn't go off and do big things. One women just grew potted african violets and gave them to people who had had a loss or a birth of a child. My T told me to try to do something nice for someone everyday. Just something small and do it especially for someone who you don't know. I don't know....maybe it works, I tried and at least momentarily felt good.
I can't imagine loosing a therapist. I am SO attached to mine. My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you have this board to post your feelings on and that there are such caring and compassionate people. Maybe you could do a memory box of times that were good with your T. You could write good times down on a piece of paper and put it in the box. Or if you have any transactional object you could put it in the box too. Again, I don't know if these are helpful, but please know that I care about you. Everyone is worthy and wonderful. Choose life all the time, choose life.
LS
Posted by DAisym on January 19, 2009, at 22:28:19
In reply to I'm back in the black hole, posted by TherapyGirl on January 19, 2009, at 7:32:46
These are the times that I wish we were a "real" support group. We could have tea together and sort through all the tough feelings. We could take turns, so that noone is left alone too long. And hopefully, you would feel the combined strength of our caring and let it help you through whatever is making you so unhappy.
All that said, I think I know about wanting to give up the struggle. I think about just laying down and letting God or whatever take me me away. No more tears, no more memories, no more ache inside myself. And yet - there is that very quiet whisper that says, "you aren't done yet." And whatever it is that I'm not done with - it might be important. Who knows? Maybe sharing how awful you feel here, is supposed to save someone else.
I hope you can hear your own whisper. I'd sure be sad if something happened to you.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 20, 2009, at 9:49:22
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole » TherapyGirl, posted by DAisym on January 19, 2009, at 22:28:19
Sorry to keep doing the group responses. It appears to be all I can pull off at the moment.
I'm away from home with a group of "friends" I no longer want to be around. I want to crawl into a closet and sit there until it all goes away.
I, too, sometimes wish we were an in-person support group. But the support I get from you guys here is better than what I've ever had before.
I did get my xanax refilled this morning and I'm hoping it will somehow get me through the rest of this trip. I hate, hate, hate being around people when all I want is to be alone. I feel bruised with their attempts to help or somehow snap me out of it.
I don't want to be here anymore. And T is, understandably, frustrated with me. I told her yesterday that driving my car off a bridge (I'm at the beach) would be easier than continuing this trip feeling the way I do. She said, "That's your choice." Somehow it's feeling less and less like a choice.
Posted by muffled on January 20, 2009, at 9:59:12
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole - All *Trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on January 20, 2009, at 9:49:22
(((TG))))) be safe, get thru this trip. Try and find small simple nice things. Be alone if you want.
You always have choice. Sometimes the 'it seems inevitable' thing comes along, and seems to grow ever stronger, but it is a lie. It does pass.
I was so close one time to doing 'it'. Very planned. Then last moment...I didn't.
God I am SO glad I didn't.
There has been so much I would have missed.
Its been so hard at times, but I am glad I am here.
Just keep going, keep trying.
Right now you can't see cuz you in a black hole, but there is light out here.
I wished I had better words.
Them other guys sure say some beautiful stuff.
You are valued, and you give to others.
There is a reason you are here.
Small things add up to big things.
Like ripples on a pond, small things spread in beautiful ways.
No matter what, I value you.
I just do.
(((((TG))))))))
Muffled
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 20, 2009, at 10:52:12
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole - All *Trigger** » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on January 20, 2009, at 9:59:12
Thank you so much Muffled. That's all I can say. Thank you.
Posted by muffled on January 20, 2009, at 11:02:28
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole - All *Trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on January 20, 2009, at 10:52:12
(((((((((TG))))))))))))))
you don't got to say nothin if ya don't want.
Just I sit w/you OK?
I been in that damn hole.
Proly if you had a light, you could see my name in blood on the wall.
But I out, I OK.
You NOT alone.
I sit w/you OK?
I am there, my spirit is there.
Muffled etc.
Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2009, at 12:05:35
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole - All *Trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on January 20, 2009, at 9:49:22
((( Therapygirl )))
Are there any meds that have been useful in the past? Can you call your pdoc? Please do what you need to do to stay safe.
Muffled said the rest far better than I ever could.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 21, 2009, at 15:05:23
In reply to Re: I'm back in the black hole - All *Trigger** » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on January 20, 2009, at 12:05:35
I'm not really doing better and today was harder because I couldn't take the xanax due to the driving I had to do. I was amazed how often and how intense the crying spells came.
I don't have a pdoc because so far xanax is the only psychotropic drug I've ever taken that has done what it is supposed to do with my brain chemistry. But I can't take that during the day when I have to drive and work, so clearly we need a plan B.
I'm going to try to stop crying long enough to try to forumulate a plan with T. I really, really hate this.
Thanks to all of you for the support. I really don't know what I'd do without this group of people who knows where I am and what I'm feeling from even a short post.
((((((((Babblers)))))))))))
Posted by muffled on January 21, 2009, at 15:06:30
In reply to I made it home and see T in an hour, posted by TherapyGirl on January 21, 2009, at 15:05:23
Posted by muffled on January 22, 2009, at 6:11:48
In reply to I made it home and see T in an hour, posted by TherapyGirl on January 21, 2009, at 15:05:23
So how T go?
It gotta be hard to lose T.
Sorry it hard.
(((TG)))
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 6:35:03
In reply to Re: I made it home and see T in an hour » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on January 22, 2009, at 6:11:48
Sorry, Muffled. I've been less than functional the last few days and I missed this post.
T was okay, but ended with her holding me while I cried like a baby and said, "What am I going to do when you're not here?" She just kept saying it was going to be okay, but I think we all know it's not.
We have, I think, figured out that my thyroid is making everything worse. I had radioactive iodine treatment a little over 6 weeks ago and I think it's gone now. They have not started the replacement hormone.
So the last three days, if I'm not on Xanax I cry uncontrollably. I got the endocrinologist's office to do the blood work yesterday, crying the whole time I was there. I said to them, "I know you don't know me but this is not something I would EVER do. I want to talk to someone about starting back on the thyroid replacement or expediting the lab work." And they didn't let me nor did they call me back all day yesterday. I'm so close to losing my mind it's not funny.
And I've lost my closest friend, at least temporarily, because I was horrible to her when it first started and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I did apologize and I cried and we hugged, but she needs a break from me right now. I don't blame her a bit, but it makes it that much harder.
I had two T appointments in two days and we've had phone calls in between. She's very worried and because of our long history, she doesn't get worried unnecessarily. It's bad. Really, really bad.
I hate my life. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this.
Thanks, though, Muffly. You're a good friend to me and I appreciate it.
This is the end of the thread.
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