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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sorta on January 23, 2006, at 14:43:35
I am now sober 14 months. I use to be a speedballer for roughly 10 months and i smoked meth for a year prior.
I was able to stop smoking meth and have a total bounce back after using for 3 months and then i relapsed and it seemed not as easy to bounce back. I was clean for 5 months on my own total will power in the face of serious obstacles. Then around my birthday i relapsed and stayed on till i found a friend who did heroin and i started shooting up heroin and cocaine
I shot up for 3 months before my mom and sister caught on and i tried to detox on my own and ended up in a facility for a week. (Las Encinas in Pasadena) I left A.M.A and i was committed but the insomnia made me relapse 2 weeks later.
around 5 months later of ins and outs. I found a doctor who started me on Bupernorphine which was great. I also took Seroquel to sleep. I was going to therapy it was fine. I started to gain weight (around 20-30 lbs) from eating a side effect of the seroquel. But i felt better
Because i wasnt thinking and i felt like i now had an easy out for detox. I relapsed and started a cycle of Bupernorphine then Heroin and Cocaine that lasted another month and then Effexor 150 made me feel great but the temptation won out and i spent another 3 months relapsing. I quit cold turkey on Nov 25 2005. My psychiatrist thought i was clean the whole time i relapsed.
I quit and returned to the Effexor i was taking for depression and it seemed ok.
But i was totally gone. I didnt exist anymore. I spent the next 14 months on the internet... and being completely numb. I was given Effexor 300mgs for the first 10months and then switched to wellbutring xl 300 mgs.
Eventually i felt ok being lazy and wasting my life. I use to be a highly driven ambitioug person. Throughout my addiction i earned over 40-50,000 and i was only 22 years old.
Now i am nothing. I am ok being nothing. I feel i am letting my life fall apart.My father got cancer and recovered. I felt nothing. My mothers business burnt to the ground. My grandmother who raised me died. nothing.
My self confidence. My great ambition, any ambition, my drive, my sense of self gone.
Ive found traces of me. But not the hunger and the sense of possibility i once had.its been 14 months i am clean with no desire to return because its been the worst 14 months of my life. I thrived in high pressure situations and now i can spend days online.
I had a great upbringing and have accomplished many great things inluding most of my dreams but it has all fallen apart. and i feel this distant sadness that i cant seem to get up or attempt to fix this.
Does anyone have any ideas reccomendations what to help me save me?
im 26 and i feel like my i gave up on my dreams.
Posted by James K on January 24, 2006, at 1:47:07
In reply to Heroin+Coke 1 year clean and Totally Lost, posted by sorta on January 23, 2006, at 14:43:35
feeling like you gave up on your dreams is the worst feeling. I did. I advise that you keep in mind how much brain chemistry screwing up you did and that your moods and processes may not be as good for a while longer.
Get grounded. go outside and do something with plants. If you can where you are. Go slow, but go. If you could make that good money as a young man, you can make it again later. Right now just do something positive as often as you can until it is regular.
Restrict internet time. Find a part time job at a book store or pet store, or whatever you might be able to stand.
All this advice like I'm an expert. I'm real screwed right now. but I believe something I wrote could make a small difference.
Peace,
James K
Posted by vainamoinen on January 24, 2006, at 10:10:28
In reply to Heroin+Coke 1 year clean and Totally Lost, posted by sorta on January 23, 2006, at 14:43:35
Narcotics Anonymous, seriously. Check it out, you're not alone. Many people have gone through what you're going through, entered recovery, and achieved long lasting abstinence.
The psych meds and therapy are all well and good, but IMO an addict needs the ongoing, daily support of other people who are in the same boat.
Posted by sorta on January 24, 2006, at 14:45:55
In reply to Re: Heroin+Coke 1 year clean and Totally Lost, posted by vainamoinen on January 24, 2006, at 10:10:28
the thing is is that i feel sometimes all talked out... and at teh same time i want this silence and aloneness that scares me.
I liked who i was before you know, before the addiction. and when im like sorta there i get the feeling it may be the day. so yeah maybe i am rushing this thing. Its just that whole 6-8 months you get ur body back.... thats not always true.
I find that when i go to therapy i can sometimes be happy just being there and i like deny or dont bring up the days that i am down or the fact that this mood swing is just that an up swing u know? lest i jinx it.
Thanx u guys.
What of this ephedrine killing dopamine production that occurs naturally?
i was a ephedra pill popper for a like 5 years but since it wasnt illegal i didnt call it an addiction... Some of me thinks that this may have helped with my recently diagnosed ADD... but i dont know.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on January 27, 2006, at 13:35:25
In reply to Re: Heroin+Coke 1 year cleadn--- ADD and Dopamine?, posted by sorta on January 24, 2006, at 14:45:55
I don't know about the ADD and Dopamine, but the Idea of NA rings true to me. I'm an alcoholic, and AA helps. I don't need to talk. Sometimes all I need to do is listen. Seeing other people regain their lives is a powerful testament to the program. Life can definitely get better. You could be more successful, or not. The point is that it can be much better than it is.
I found after having a number of melt-downs (and while drinking) that I lost ambition. It's taken me almost four years to get back. I had lost a fairly decent job, been through a divorce, and had multiple suicide attempts. Things did get better. I'm attributing at least part of that to A.A.
I have a sponsor who is now married, has a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, and helps people recover from alcoholism (like me). She's motivated, enthusiastic, caring and dedicated. I want that in my life, and now I have a model to follow.
There is a saying in the program "If you want what we've got, do what we do". It really does make sense to me.
I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching, I just feel for you, I know what it feels like to lose ambition. I also know what seems to be working for me, and thought I would share it.
--Dee
This is the end of the thread.
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