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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KrissyP on February 26, 2003, at 1:24:06
I have been in and out of one on one and group therapy since 1996. I feel like I need to talk to someone,I am not currently in any kind of therapy. I am so very afraid of a lot of things: my future, going back to work, and success. I wasn't always like this-it started after a break up with a boyfriend and my dad was doing drugs and it affected me so bad because I love him. Anyway, the depression and my "sense of direction" has never been the same. I was so desperate, that in Nov 1999, I received shock treatments. I don't know if anyone has had them? Back to fear,I constantly compare myself to my friends who are working (I am on disability for my depression and bipolar) and fear has just overwhelmed me and my life. I feel pressured to live up to expectations I have put on myself and other sources. Why oh why am I so afraid to suceed? I am, which has been a long process due to my instability, trying so hard to earn my BA finally and of all majors I chose Psychology and Health, which I do love. I want to be stable to enter Nursing School eventually, but am so scared of my future, if I will have a career, a husband, and stability again, this is really bothering me. Any feedback would be helpful.
Thank you
Posted by Katia on February 27, 2003, at 0:41:39
In reply to FEAR-Why, Why, Why????, posted by KrissyP on February 26, 2003, at 1:24:06
All of those things ARE overwhelming especially when you're depressed. What country are you in? How do you get on disability for depression? You can't be in America! It's a tough, tough, country to live in when you're depressed. Not much support or validation from insurance companies and work places. It's easier to be depressed in Europe (as far as benefits and financial support goes)!!
Are you currently on medication? If so, what is it?
Katia> I have been in and out of one on one and group therapy since 1996. I feel like I need to talk to someone,I am not currently in any kind of therapy. I am so very afraid of a lot of things: my future, going back to work, and success. I wasn't always like this-it started after a break up with a boyfriend and my dad was doing drugs and it affected me so bad because I love him. Anyway, the depression and my "sense of direction" has never been the same. I was so desperate, that in Nov 1999, I received shock treatments. I don't know if anyone has had them? Back to fear,I constantly compare myself to my friends who are working (I am on disability for my depression and bipolar) and fear has just overwhelmed me and my life. I feel pressured to live up to expectations I have put on myself and other sources. Why oh why am I so afraid to suceed? I am, which has been a long process due to my instability, trying so hard to earn my BA finally and of all majors I chose Psychology and Health, which I do love. I want to be stable to enter Nursing School eventually, but am so scared of my future, if I will have a career, a husband, and stability again, this is really bothering me. Any feedback would be helpful.
> Thank you
Posted by KrissyP on February 27, 2003, at 1:18:18
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why????, posted by Katia on February 27, 2003, at 0:41:39
Katia,
Thank you so much for replying:) I am in America lol In a tough, tough, tough state to live in when you're depressed-believe me. Without depressing YOU, I got on disability after overdosing 2x, cutting a little bit on my arm-not to feel. I had numerous physical pain, 2 laparoscopies, gained weight, and had huge family problems that were upsetting me terribly. I wanted to just die. I am on Effexor, Klonopin, Lamictal, and Seroquel. I went off Effexor and Lamictal and lost it-several people said I had changed for the better while on them and I was lucky to still feel "real" I just started both 2 again 2 days ago and I am already sleeping better and taking 100mg of Seroquel instead of 200mg which was a weight-gainer with me-but helps me sleep.
Posted by Katia on February 27, 2003, at 15:24:50
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » Katia, posted by KrissyP on February 27, 2003, at 1:18:18
Hi,
it sounds like maybe you should stay on those for awhile if it's working. take one day at a time! Don't be too overwhelmed by all of life at once!
katia> Katia,
> Thank you so much for replying:) I am in America lol In a tough, tough, tough state to live in when you're depressed-believe me. Without depressing YOU, I got on disability after overdosing 2x, cutting a little bit on my arm-not to feel. I had numerous physical pain, 2 laparoscopies, gained weight, and had huge family problems that were upsetting me terribly. I wanted to just die. I am on Effexor, Klonopin, Lamictal, and Seroquel. I went off Effexor and Lamictal and lost it-several people said I had changed for the better while on them and I was lucky to still feel "real" I just started both 2 again 2 days ago and I am already sleeping better and taking 100mg of Seroquel instead of 200mg which was a weight-gainer with me-but helps me sleep.
>
Posted by KrissyP on February 27, 2003, at 19:05:51
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why????, posted by Katia on February 27, 2003, at 15:24:50
Hi Katia, Thanks. I have been told that I try to get everything done in a day and put so much pressure on myself. I have been told that I tend to take things too seriously and your words helped a lot. I really need to remember what you say here-I can't tell you how much just seeing you say, "Don't be overwhelmed by all of life at once" I'm workin on it. Thanks for your kindness:)
Kristen------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hi,
it sounds like maybe you should stay on those for awhile if it's working. take one day at a time! Don't be too overwhelmed by all of life at once!
katia
Posted by Ilene on February 28, 2003, at 14:00:11
In reply to FEAR-Why, Why, Why????, posted by KrissyP on February 26, 2003, at 1:24:06
> I have been in and out of one on one and group therapy since 1996. I feel like I need to talk to someone,I am not currently in any kind of therapy. I am so very afraid of a lot of things: my future, going back to work, and success. I wasn't always like this-it started after a break up with a boyfriend and my dad was doing drugs and it affected me so bad because I love him. Anyway, the depression and my "sense of direction" has never been the same. I was so desperate, that in Nov 1999, I received shock treatments. I don't know if anyone has had them? Back to fear,I constantly compare myself to my friends who are working (I am on disability for my depression and bipolar) and fear has just overwhelmed me and my life. I feel pressured to live up to expectations I have put on myself and other sources. Why oh why am I so afraid to suceed? I am, which has been a long process due to my instability, trying so hard to earn my BA finally and of all majors I chose Psychology and Health, which I do love. I want to be stable to enter Nursing School eventually, but am so scared of my future, if I will have a career, a husband, and stability again, this is really bothering me. Any feedback would be helpful.
> Thank youI can't say, "I know just how you feel," but I think we have a lot in common.
It's not a mystery: the fear is a symptom. Once I figured that out I had a little less need to talk about it, and it was a little less frightening. Yeah, I know. Frightened about being fearful,
I am often fearful about my future. A lot like you. I know the fear is absolutely, completely, and totally irrational, but there it is.
It just occurred to me--wouldn't it would be strange for a bipolar *not* to have symptoms? Not that all depressed BPers are fearful, but it's not uncommon.
I managed to get my degree--it took an incredibly long time--get married, have kids. No actual career. Everything is going down, down, down despite my education, family, relative financial stability. I am very sensitive about not being able to work. I don't feel pressured to live up to expectations, exactly, but it is more than just a sore spot.
I don't think fear is something I can "work on" other than knowing it is there and finding some things that can distract me, like posting messages. Even advocates of cognitive-behavioral and other psychotherapies concede that BPers need medication.
So I try new meds and try not to let myself be paralyzed. I've almost stopped asking myself why this is happening to me. I just know what I need most of all is medication that *works.*
Please post again.
--I.
PS: I'd like to hear about your experience with ECT. It's been mentioned.
Posted by KrissyP on February 28, 2003, at 16:31:54
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » KrissyP, posted by Ilene on February 28, 2003, at 14:00:11
Hi, thank you for replying, I think fear is very real at times. I heard once that we can look at the word F.E.A.R.and decide..Face Everything And Recover, or F#@! Everything And Run. I have done enough running and I do agree that to have any kind of stability a person who has been diagnosed with bipolar does need medication-I can say I definately do and it's better than having the rapid, horrible mood swings that affect not only me but my family and friends. Please feel free to share more about YOUR feelings with me about the statement you made "I am very sensitive about not being able to work, I don't feel pressured to live up to expectations, exactly, but it is more than just a sore spot."
As far as posting, I have been doing this for only about 5 days, and it has helped me tremendously, and I hope I am helping even just 1 person here. By gosh!-I just came across the site-no one told me about it. I'm glad you feel the way I do in that it helps all to post and relate, and try to help. My experience with ECT was something else. I was so depressed, had been on numerous medications and I lost any hope and strength I did have. I was hospitalized for 2 months while undergoing the ECT. The psychiatrist was great, but having to go "under" scared me-The IV, anesthesia, the mask, and 15 minutes later I was awake again. I got headaches from it, and after the first few-I couldn't remember where I was-but it passed. I do feel that my intelligence has been affected. I find it harder to memorize things, or just remember what I study, but that may be because of the anxiety, and all the other things I have mentioned. I can't remember much else except that it was a very nerve-wracking ordeal and after all is said and done I do believe it has helped me with my depression, but there are other factors that play a role, like meds that finally made a dent in the tough feelings I did feel, maturity, and therapy, etc. Anything else you would like to know, please post again, hope this helped:)
Kristen
I managed to get my degree--it took an incredibly long time--get married, have kids. No actual career. Everything is going down, down, down despite my education, family, relative financial stability. I am very sensitive about not being able to work. I don't feel pressured to live up to expectations, exactly, but it is more than just a sore spot.
I don't think fear is something I can "work on" other than knowing it is there and finding some things that can distract me, like posting messages. I just know what I need most of all is medication that *works.*
Please post again.--I.
PS: I'd like to hear about your experience with ECT. It's been mentioned.
Posted by Ilene on March 10, 2003, at 17:42:47
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » Ilene, posted by KrissyP on February 28, 2003, at 16:31:54
> Please feel free to share more about YOUR feelings with me about the statement you made "I am very sensitive about not being able to work, I don't feel pressured to live up to expectations, exactly, but it is more than just a sore spot."
>
> Kristen
>I've been trying to find your post so I could reply to it, but the search function doesn't seem to work (Dr. Bob? You there?)
Some of my feelings about work are based in my personal history, some because for years I had no idea what was wrong with me and felt very defensive, some because I haven't "done anything with my life", some because I am hypersensitive to criticism and having anyone evaluate my work, etc....
I did very well in school until I was about 16 or 17. Then I drifted into a deeper depression, but I had no clue what was going on--I just couldn't function in school any more. It continued when I was in college. I was very defensive about it. I couldn't explain it to anyone, even when I tried--I saw one of the college counselors, but he was utterly useless.
I had ongoing problems with my parents. They were always angry with me. Utterly unsupportive.
My mother was one of the most tactless people I have ever met, and I spent 18 years in her company. Not only was I irritable (now I know this is a symptom of BP disorder in a child) but my principle role model was the epitome of how *not* to get along with other people. I felt constantly criticized. And my parents insulted and yelled at each other. And my father's mother lived with us, and she and my mother did not get along, to be polite about it.
I dropped in and out of school until I managed to pull myself together and finish my undergraduate degree. I don't know how I did it. Things were better for a while, I got a job after I graduated and met the man who I later married. After that I had a hard time finding work. I got fired from one job. It was really awful.
No one ever suggested I was depressed, including four psychiatrists. It was only after I read a description of how it *physically* felt to be depressed (in a book about PMS, of all things--I've never had PMS) that I figured it out. I picked a random pdoc out of the yellow pages, told him I was feeling depressed, and he asked whether I wanted to try medication. Finally! I was already in my early 30s. I don't understand why I had to diagnose *myself* before I got any help.
I know there's no point in comparing myself to other people, but I feel like I've been living under a rock while other people have gone out and had interesting lives, or at least had jobs.
Must go, child complaining about dinner.
--I.
Posted by KrissyP on March 10, 2003, at 23:59:07
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » KrissyP, posted by Ilene on March 10, 2003, at 17:42:47
Thank you so much Ilene-wow you sound like me and my life. I am happy that you DID get your undergraduate degree, it has taken me a long time. If all goes well, I will be getting it a year from now. I have been known to be sensitive to criticism and it has cost me some jobs. Butt I have gotten better, and gotten vback some of my self-esteem. For years, I felt constantly criticized too, and my parents insulted and yelled at each other-which eventually led them to divorce(child from a divorced family)My father's mother lived with us, and she and my mother did not get along either and never really did. I can't believe though, how things have changed concerning all this.
Thank you for sharing this stuff- I could relate to so much of it.
Take good care,
Kristen:-)
==================================================================================================
> Some of my feelings about work are based in my personal history, some because for years I had no idea what was wrong with me and felt very defensive, some because I haven't "done anything with my life", some because I am hypersensitive to criticism and having anyone evaluate my work, etc....
>
> I did very well in school until I was about 16 or 17. Then I drifted into a deeper depression, but I had no clue what was going on--I just couldn't function in school any more. It continued when I was in college. I was very defensive about it. I couldn't explain it to anyone, even when I tried--I saw one of the college counselors, but he was utterly useless.
>
> I had ongoing problems with my parents. They were always angry with me. Utterly unsupportive.
>
> My mother was one of the most tactless people I have ever met, and I spent 18 years in her company. Not only was I irritable (now I know this is a symptom of BP disorder in a child) but my principle role model was the epitome of how *not* to get along with other people. I felt constantly criticized. And my parents insulted and yelled at each other. And my father's mother lived with us, and she and my mother did not get along, to be polite about it.
>
> I dropped in and out of school until I managed to pull myself together and finish my undergraduate degree. I don't know how I did it. Things were better for a while, I got a job after I graduated and met the man who I later married. After that I had a hard time finding work. I got fired from one job. It was really awful.
>
> No one ever suggested I was depressed, including four psychiatrists. It was only after I read a description of how it *physically* felt to be depressed (in a book about PMS, of all things--I've never had PMS) that I figured it out. I picked a random pdoc out of the yellow pages, told him I was feeling depressed, and he asked whether I wanted to try medication. Finally! I was already in my early 30s. I don't understand why I had to diagnose *myself* before I got any help.
>
> I know there's no point in comparing myself to other people, but I feel like I've been living under a rock while other people have gone out and had interesting lives, or at least had jobs.
>
> Must go, child complaining about dinner.
>
> --I.
Posted by Ilene on March 11, 2003, at 12:46:48
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » Ilene, posted by KrissyP on March 10, 2003, at 23:59:07
> Thank you so much Ilene-wow you sound like me and my life. I am happy that you DID get your undergraduate degree, it has taken me a long time. If all goes well, I will be getting it a year from now. I have been known to be sensitive to criticism and it has cost me some jobs. Butt I have gotten better, and gotten vback some of my self-esteem. For years, I felt constantly criticized too, and my parents insulted and yelled at each other-which eventually led them to divorce(child from a divorced family)My father's mother lived with us, and she and my mother did not get along either and never really did. I can't believe though, how things have changed concerning all this.
> Thank you for sharing this stuff- I could relate to so much of it.
> Take good care,
> Kristen:-)
> ==================================================================================================
>
>
I don't know how to express myself today--I was feeling better last week, but now I've slid back into dazed misery. I'm glad you found some value in my tale of woe, but--I don't want to be myself. I am so guilt-ridden and embarrassed about my entire life! It doesn't make sense, does it? Sweet Reason has no defenses against Mood's invasion.Tell me--did your relatives yell at each other in German?
I have a graduate degree too. Fat lot of good it's done me. An acquaintances said something about "education for its own sake" regarding my lack of employment. One of the reasons I don't want to communicate with most people I know, or socialize with strangers. They tend to ask polite questions about how I'm doing, or what I do. What am I going to say? I'm suicidally depressed and stay home as much as possible? It's a real conversation stopper.
About my parents: My mother died about 5 years ago. She lived for only 2 or 3 months after her diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. (I don't think she smoked a cigarette in her life.) My parents sent mixed signals about my visits. "Oh, you've got children to take care of, you need to finish school..."
Even on her deathbed my mother was pleased to know I had gotten A's in my classes. That was almost disconcerting to me.
I'll try to tell you more later.
--I.
Posted by Krissy P on March 11, 2003, at 15:00:05
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » KrissyP, posted by Ilene on March 11, 2003, at 12:46:48
Hey, I've been where you're at right now in this post. Hang in there please. I'm sorry I could relate to your post-even though it was a "tale of woe"-sorry:-( Ya know, just yesterday my moms's friend called and I told her I was in school and she reamtrked "STILL?" I was pissed at first, but then said to myself, what a B#$#@!
LOL. I mean, at least I'm continuing and haven't given up. I have learned to not allow people to rent space in my head, and to try not to give your power away to another person, it is easier said than done, I know. What she said was an insult to me, but I got over it.
No, my dad, especially, didn't yell in German-but he used every cuss word out there.
**I also have been there when you say that people tend to ask polite questions about how you're doing or what you do. (What are you going to say?) You know what I say, I say I've worked very hard and I am not giving up, I have goals, and I am doing fine. Of course most of my friends know my situation and meds, etc., but you don't have to tell anyone anything that you feel uncomfortable with, it's none of their business, it has taken me a while to learn this and I still struggle a little. For the feelings of shame, that's what it sounds you feel, try not to feel that way. People haven't walked in your shoes have they?
Please try to remember this. I'm here for you and keep me posted k?
Kristen:-)
==================================================================================================I don't know how to express myself today--I was feeling better last week, but now I've slid back into dazed misery. I'm glad you found some value in my tale of woe, but--I don't want to be myself. I am so guilt-ridden and embarrassed about my entire life! It doesn't make sense, does it? Sweet Reason has no defenses against Mood's invasion.
> I have a graduate degree too. Fat lot of good it's done me. An acquaintances said something about "education for its own sake" regarding my lack of employment. One of the reasons I don't want to communicate with most people I know, or socialize with strangers. It's a real conversation stopper.
>
> About my parents: My mother died about 5 years ago. She lived for only 2 or 3 months after her diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. (I don't think she smoked a cigarette in her life.) My parents sent mixed signals about my visits. "Oh, you've got children to take care of, you need to finish school..."
>
> Even on her deathbed my mother was pleased to know I had gotten A's in my classes. That was almost disconcerting to me.
>
> I'll try to tell you more later.
>
> --I.
Posted by Ilene on March 11, 2003, at 16:55:59
In reply to Re: FEAR-Why, Why, Why???? » Ilene, posted by Krissy P on March 11, 2003, at 15:00:05
>For the feelings of shame, that's what it sounds you feel, try not to feel that way.
Yes and no. I used to be more forthright. I found there are people who *think* they know what depression is, but they don't. I feel like I'm speaking a different language. It can be an effective conversation-ender.
I've told a couple of people I might be bipolar. I was actually kind of happy when I figured there was a strong likelihood of that, because it opened a new medicine chest.
I have a couple of other conditions (including chronic fatigue syndrome) that most people have never heard of, or sound like the disease du jour, or make as much sense as getting mercury poisoning from your fillings or cancer from the fluoride in your drinking water. I never thought cfs was a "real" disease until I was diagnosed with it, and even then it took me a couple of weeks to accept it. I found the case definition at the CDC website, which clinched it for me.
I've gone through periods of being so detached from what's going on around me that I feel like I'm about to become untethered and float off like a helium balloon. It is so hard to focus that I am unable to maintain a conversation. Even when I'm not coming untethered I get unfocused, tired, and spacy.
I'm getting bogged down. Later.
---I.
This is the end of the thread.
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