Posted by Kath on July 5, 2000, at 12:38:18
Hi All,
My husband & I had a great weekend. Marvellous hikes on the Bruce Trail - deep moss-covered caverns to walk through, forests, flower-filled fields, far-stretching views from high hills, sunny warmth & gentle breezes; sitting on a hill reading in the sun. A very relaxing time & we stayed Saturday nite at a cute bed & breakfast.
After our 16 yr-old son had been whereabouts-unknown for several days the previous weekend, we didn't want him to have access to the house, so gave our friend the key to come in & feed our cat & told our son and his friends that nobody except our friend was allowed into the house until we returned. Our son had been invited to his sister's about 2 hours drive from us & we were going to see her Friday anyway so offered to drive him to stay there. He didn't want to; told him he'd have to make other arrangements since the house would be locked. Came home Sunday to find he'd been in the house; he climbed in through a basement window. Although he'd locked the door when he left, the rec room lights were on, the VCR was on, and his room REEKED of pot. He's not allowed to have drugs on our property, to say nothing of smoking in our home!! When he came home, told him we'd have to decide what we were going to do about it. Had a big talk with him...explained that if in future, the house rules were broken in a major way (gave some examples) that it was like a ballgame - 3 strikes & you're out - Strike 1 - he'd have to be off our property for 2 full days, then phone, make arrangements to meet at a coffee shop & go over the rules. Strike 2 - 4 days off the property; coffee shop meeting to make sure he understood the severity of the situation. Strike 3 - he'd have to find somewhere else to live. We told him that if the situation was bad enough, it would be straight to Strike #3. To show him that we care about more of a relationship than just scolding him, we invited him to a movie with us. He wanted to spend time with his friends instead so we drove them to LazerQuest on our way to the movie.
Next day (yesterday) he got in a "snit" with me about how I didn't trust him & what was the use of acting in a trustworthy manner if I don't trust him anyway! I said the trust has to be rebuilt & he stormed out, to return a little later. I went to chat awhile across the road with my neighbour on her front lawn. My son came out of the house, returned my wave, then walked down the street with shoulders hunched & "don't talk to me" body-language. When I went home & went to put something in my purse I found that the $160 I'd just taken out of the bank to pay some bills was gone. All of the money in my purse was gone! I was simply in shock. He's never stolen from us before. I was sick & felt that it was MY FAULT somehow (which a part of me knows is nonsense). Anyway, he didn't come back last night. My husband & I decided that it's straight to Strike 3. After all we've gone through with him, we don't feel okay to have him live here if his behaviour is escalating. I'm not prepared to have to lock stuff up in my own home from my own son! I packed a knapsack of his clothes, toothbrush, etc. I put in an envelope a card with a list of help-agency phone numbers, shelter #'s & his workers from school #'s. I also put a $10 phone card to help me know he has a way to phone the various resources. If feels extremely yucky. I hate to put him out, but he's being very defiant, not willing to obey our rules, etc. It feels pretty awful. When he wasn't using for those 9 days when he was sick, he was his old normal self & we were talking & getting along well, etc. He's a different person when he's smoking pot all the time & I never know WHO I'm going to be talking to. I do need some support around this situation. I think I just need to know that people are aware of what I'm dealing with. It's hard for me to know that we're doing the right thing; people I've spoken to say we are. It's scarey. We have made our decision that we simply can't have him living here under these circumstances & we do believe that we're doing what is best for him.
I'm feeling pretty calm though, which is surprising & I'm very thankful for it.
Thanks for listening. Kath
poster:Kath
thread:39446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000630/msgs/39446.html