Posted by Ilene on February 29, 2004, at 19:18:33
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 16, posted by Ilene on February 28, 2004, at 20:25:40
Fifth day at 40 mg.
Today was not so good. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably not going to see any results for another ten days. I didn't take any Klonopin today. Not quite as anxious. Maybe that's a good sign. On the other hand, suicide is creeping back into my thoughts. If you felt like me, you wouldn't want to live either.
I overslept and got my son to Sunday School almost half an hour late. I haven't noticed any supression of REM sleep (i.e. dreaming). I dream more than I did on desipramine, which was ineffective.
I ran my usual Sunday errands, plus bought some bird seed to fill the now-depleted feeders. The little buggers are expensive to feed! I spent more on bird food than I do on cat food. But then I have only 2 cats.
I think I might be having a mild CFS flare-up. I had a headache & sore throat yesterday, and a headache or muscle aches today. I'm pretty tired, too, but not my usual I-can't-concentrate-at-all and can't-get-out-of-bed condition when the CFS acts up.
Got the credit card out and subscribed to all my old magazines, plus Scientific American. (I admit it, I'm a nerd.) It'll take about two months before they arrive.
I forgot to subscribe to a new mag I found called "Seed", which is supposed to be about science and culture. Sounds interesting, and the cheap 'zine site had it for only $5.00.
Here's a reason why it's often hard for me to read. The local paper runs a short Sunday feature called "Life is Short/Autobiography as Haiku" This is one of today's:
"My hair is blown dry, my makeup done. One last look into the hall mirror. I adjust the collar of the new red jacket, feel good about myself, open the door and walk into . . . invisibility. This state of non-being is no longer recent. As in times past, I continue to look at passersby, nod and smile. The strangers do not respond. They look through me. It took a while to understand that I have attained a new status. And, though it is not my fault, I did not cause it. I became a woman of a certain age."
One of my issues is feeling like I've gotten older without having lived a regular life. I feel less and less attractive.
I'm very frustrated because I don't have the energy to keep after my son. For a while he was doing better at keeping his room picked up. Significant backsliding.
Forgot to pick up my Risperdal at the pharmacy. Lucky I still have some.
poster:Ilene
thread:315567
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040228/msgs/318816.html