Posted by pretty_paints on June 10, 2005, at 10:05:01
Hello
I'm feeling really bad. I've just been down to see my pdoc and have told her that I'm completely in love with her. It was really horrendous, but im glad i was honest, and she said thank you for being so honest, it is really helpful.
SO why on the meds board?
Well I am just so tired out. I want to die away. My pdoc says this is another psychotic symptom and in a way I agree with her BECAUSE it can change person. For example, for five years I had an extremely powerful connection to an old boyfriend. I believed we were in love with eachother and the thoughts and daydreams consumed me ALL the time. To the point of non-functioning. We hardly were in touch at all, but in my mind he was sending me signals and signs. Then when I got to 30mg Abilify, it was like someone just switched a switch off. ALL my feelings just stopped dead. I realised I wasn't in love with him, and now didn't even particularly like him. Then my meds were messed around with and it happened with my consultant pdoc and then that faded, then now it's happened BIG TIME with my pdoc. It is so utterly overwhelming, I just cannot explain. I was pulling away from her and retreating into my own world, but one thing she always has said about me is that I try so hard to be honest and fight to stay in "this world". So I thought I need to tell her about these feelings. So I did and she was fine about it. I told her I had gone to see a show last night (which i did, it was crap) but I couldn't stop imagining her there with her kids and her husband and how JEALOUS i was of her husband, it just made me want to die. Now I found out these things in a totally ok way. Someone mentioned she had kids ages ago (plus, she always takes the school holidays off, so duh, doesn't need much working out) and with the husband, I just ASSUMED she was married. She may well not be.
But if she is, she's gonna be thinking HOW DOES THIS GIRL KNOW I HAVE A HUSBAND AND KIDS?
I asked her if she would keep seeing me and she said...
"yes, as long as you are able to say to me 'these feelings have come about since i lowered my dose'" or something along those lines.
SO BASICALLY SHE IS SAYING THAT IF I LOOSE INSIGHT, SHE WILL BE OFF!
Do you think that is what she is saying?
I am so devestated because I loose insight a lot, today was a good day. I don't know what is true and what isn't in terms of my thought structures, but sometimes I know that maybe "things just aren't right". I know for sure tho that a lot of the stuff she says is psychosis is just her way of trying to protect her company (who are monitoring me).
Anyway the point is - what if I loose insight about this? Will she just LEAVE me? I really could not handle that. Before anyone asks, this is not to do with "therapy" issues because I have been in therapy for a year and yes, I have some issues, but nothing this big. I do not have a fear or being left or being abandoned or walked out on, and i had a happy childhood and my parents are together. It's not that I want someone to care about me, it's that I feel I'm IN LOVE with her. I want to BE with her, even though I can't.
Can anyone please tell me, if you know, what are the protocalls with this type of thing????? Will my doc stick by me?? I OBVIOUSLY understand that relationships are forbidden and quite rightly so. But what I want to know is, at what point will she think "ok we need a new doctor in here", and shove me over onto someone else. Does she think I'm a threat to her, because I mentioned her kids and her husband? Does she think I'm gonna become obsessed and start stalking her?
You know, I'M worried I'm gonna become obsessed and start stalking her. What if I turn out like the equivalent of the dirty old pervert who goes around stalking people? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.
I just can't handle having all these feelings squashed in my little body. I did all this with that ex-boyfriend for FIVE YEARS OF HELL, and just as I finally understood what was going on, IT'S STARTED AGAIN WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I had to come off the 30mg Abilify coz of unbearable side effects. Now I'm on 20mg, the side efffects are still bad but I'm not allowed to go any lower yet.
I feel so weak and vunerable and I feel like I NEED my doctor to support me. But now I feel she's not going to be able to support me because of what I have told her. She is always going to be wary of me now isn't she, always worried about giving me a pat on the arm or whatever incase I missinterpret it. So who's gonna be able to support me? No-one. I'm just the sad old stalker in the corner.
Just for the record, I'm not gay. It just doesn't seem to make much difference once I've become fixated on a person. It never ties in to my REAL LIFE. Even I can see that it's silly to think im in love with her, I don't even know her!!!
Anyway dr bob, please don't redirect this to therapy room, coz the only mates I have on here are in this chat room.
In terms of meds this is how things stand. My pdoc wants me to go into hospital. I cant at the mo as I'm supposed to be going on holiday in a week. She does not approve really but my parents need a holiday and they wont go and leave me so... anyway, we meet when I get back and she says then i should go into hospital to get the EEG done and to sort my meds out. I have been on Risperdal, Zyprexa, Seroquel and Abilify, all working *to some extent*. I don't want to go in as it will be too easy for them to keep monitoring me and carrying out their special project on me. Last time I went in hospital it was shite. The nurses were shite and told me I was being hysterical. They made me feel like I was attention-seeking. The bitches. It meant I didn't tell the truth for ages after I got out, for fear that if I told people my school was controlling me (which they were), they would just say "what a story that is, you're attention seeking". So I mentioned NO to all the questions, even when the answers I believed were YES. Now I feel so scared of pnurses, I know they'll be horrible to me if I go in hospital again.
Anyway lets round things up. So does anyone know about the protocal if a patient tells his pdoc that he's in love with her? When does another doc step in????
My pdoc says this "falling in love" feeling is a symptom of psychosis, has anyone ever had it?? She says it's not a common one, but that it definately exists. That is a relief for me coz it makes me feel that deep down these might NOT be my real feelings. Which is GOOD.
All I am worried about now is that I'm gonna have to lie to her. If I'm completely infatuted with her and can't get her out of my head, if I tell her this and if things keep getting worse and I keep telling her, eventually she's gonna have to pass me on to a diff doc, which I don't want. So I'll have to lie and say "no things are getting better". And I'll just in the background be feeling worse.
Anyway sorry for the big rant. Anyone with any advice i'd soo appreciate it.
Love from a nice, pleasant, honest 21-year-old girl from England.
(NOT SOME DODGY STALKER WHO NEEDS TO BE IN PRISON)...I hope
ps: I have NEVER stalked someone. I am just worried that I'm gonna end up like that :-( :-( :-(
poster:pretty_paints
thread:510495
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050606/msgs/510495.html