Posted by extremethings on October 2, 2007, at 11:50:55
In reply to Re: dysphoric mania » extremethings, posted by polarbear206 on October 2, 2007, at 9:57:12
Thank you so much for writing me. I should KNOW I'm not alone, but I feel so alone. My closest friends and family don't even really know me. I seem to so many people like I have it together- I'm supposed to be the one helping others, but I can't help myself. I'm taking 750 mg. Depakote and 225 Effexor. It was the first combination of meds that I responded to positively. When I first started seeing my psychiatrist, I was in grad school and going through a bout of depression. I was doing so well in school, yet I was so suicidal. I tried Wellbutrin, which I had a bad reaction to (hives, titinitus) and then was off meds for a while. Around Christmas of that year, I remember becoming manic, which is when I was put on the Depakote. Since, I have been able to much better control my moods, but still I'm trying on my own- alone. My dad is Bipolar and has recently been hospitalized due to his mania. He becomes literally psychotic, delusional, and sometimes experiences hallucinations. My parents marriage is falling apart and here I am, making choices against who I know I am and yet, not able to stop. It is like I'm on top of the world with him, but yet I'm so miserable. I'm not myself. I have actually considering throwing away a beautiful marriage with a wonderful man who tries to love me, problems and all, for someone who is an alcoholic, has no license (DUI's), and who I have spent too much time with endulging myself in everything from drugs to sex. During these last two years, I've developed and kicked a bad coke habit. I used to be into all kinds of drugs when I was in high school. My husband and I smoke weed, but he was always against the hard drugs and hard drinking. Somehow, we let each other go and I relapsed hard into coke. I had to quit because my septum is almost gone and if I didn't get help, I would have killed myself or my nose would have collapsed. I've been off coke now for almost 3 months. I still smoke and drink and yet I know if I want to get better, I need to not only get my bipolar under control, but I need to also recover from my many addictions. I just don't know where to go from here, how to ask for help, how to ask my husband to forgive me. This man I am with is his friend and has told me he doesn't know if he could live with himself if we were to tell my husband that he has "loved me back". I feel so stuck- so confused- I always hurt the ones I love and I really don't want to. I would do anything for them, including end my own life to make them happy. It is too bad that is the one thing, no matter how much I hurt them, that is the one thing they've asked me not to do. It is so hard living only because you don't want to hurt the ones who love you.
poster:extremethings
thread:461961
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070929/msgs/786466.html