Posted by Sunkistcat79 on January 2, 2009, at 10:57:57
After almost 2 decades of alternating between being depressed and severely depressed (I am almost 30), I cannot put up with it anymore. REally cannot.
I have been hospitalized, been in a few intensive therapies, had an indiviual therapist basically straight through since I was 11, have tried over a dozen drugs, have tried over 2 dozen alternatives (such as: exercise, journaling, acupuncture, network chirpractic, meditation...etc) have taken dozens of supplements..
And I what has been happening in my life:
-I can't keep a job for more than 4 months
-loose my friends or have them tell me if you want to hang out, i dont want to hear about your problems (and this one came from someone i met IN mental hospital!!!!)
-can't keep my relationship and as a result, no have no real home....AGAIN.I know how annoying I am to everyone I am around. If they even manage to talk to me, that's what they tell me.
Sure, there's other sh** out there i haven't tried, and i'm sure something could help me.
But SERIOIUSLY. I am in SO MUCH pain right now, I usually spend my day taking a sleeping pill and going to sleep. And then I take one again at night.
And how many months and dollars will it take to find that one thing that MAY work...and of course, it won't work rigth away. It will probably take years.
So my parents keep telling me there's something out there for me, just hang out.
Don't you think that' SELFISH of them? I am suffering EVERY MOMENT I AM AWAKE. Sure, they hurt for me too, but they have full and active lives. MY life revolves around being MORTIFIED that my phone will reveal a message from someone telling me they want me out of their life completely BETWEEN pinning my very ability to breath on getting a message from one of these people telling me something nice. Oh, and I try to read, try to watch TV, try to go online, and when that all runs out, I take a sleeping pill.THAT IS NOT A LIFE!
Yet, my parents insist I continue along this route for MORE years....experimenting, trying, suffering, until MAYBE something works.Oh, please remember.
-I am 30
-wrote my first suicide wish at the age of 10
-have one friends left from high school
-went to college for 7 years and have ONE friend left from them (a pothead alcoholic exboyfriend)
-accumulating all the time I have spent in the exact state described above.....TOO MUCHOH..... if interested, I can give more details, but OPIOIDS are the one thing that have ever helped. And they made me NORMAL, CALM, ALERT, LEVEL, AND ABLE TO FUNCTION AT MY HIGHEST LEVEL EVER.
It's not what you think. I was never an addict. I had a doctor who had be taking buprenorphine, which is NOT supposed to have a diminished effect as time goes on. But it stopped working after a month.
I'd love to talk with anyone about opioids....
I"m also thinking of ECT and LDN (naltroxene sp?).
As far as the ECT being some horrible thing, I'm past caring what happens to my body/brain. Brain damage would be welcome.
And if you do talk to me about it, PLEASE leave out the gory details getting you set up for the procedure as I am will get more terrified.thank you.
poster:Sunkistcat79
thread:871909
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20081006/msgs/871909.html