Posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
I don't know about the rest of you, but this whole thing is pretty overwhelming for me, and I feel lost and trapped, even with the treatment I'm getting. So, let's all hang together here -- else we all hang separately (with apologies to Benjamin Franklin) -- and see what we can do for one another, OK?
Here are a bunch of things that have come to my mind, questions that I'm asking myself, thoughts I've had, the usual Racer Ramblings. Anyone have any thoughts to keep mine company?
1. What do I really get out of this? What need am I filling by starving myself?
2. What will be left when I "recover"? Who will I be? What will take its place? Starving myself and now going through recovery have taken up a lot of my time for the past year and a half. When I'm not spending half my time on these, what will I do with all that time?
3. Somehow, starving myself seems as if it's comforting me, taking care of me, and punishing someone else. That's obviously distorted, right? And eating, somehow, seems as if it's punishing me. How do such incredible distortions arise? Why would something like that start to seem real? And who else understands that?
4. How do I know whether the eating is real recovery, or just pretending, waiting until I can starve myself again?
5. I'm not quite meeting the goals set by my nutritional counselor. I'm about one serving short each day, and am getting most of my carbs from fruits instead of grains. Is this resisting recovery? Or resisting the RD? Or is it really what it seems like to me, too much food for one day right now?
6. I'm scared. Am I afraid of the food? The effects of the food? Recovering and not having all this anymore? Where is my fear really focused?
7. Eating disorders are very isolating. Is the retreat primary, or is the eating disorder primary? Am I disordered in my eating IN ORDER to isolate myself? Or am I isolated BECAUSE I'm starving myself?
8. What makes my weight so damned important, anyway? Why is my body so important? What's that all about?
9. What are the benefits of recovery? The drawbacks? Let's be honest here -- if there weren't benefits to EDs, we wouldn't be posting here, right? So, what are the drawbacks of recovery?
10. How much is habit, how much is a starved brain, and how much is active ED thinking? Where do we draw those lines?
OK, there's my list of ten questions. Maybe if we all think about them, we can share insights. IF anyone else has other questions, please do share them. Mine are off the cuff, and just some random ramblings. Let's see if we learn anything about ourselves, and if it helps, 'K?
I'm so glad we have this forum -- let's make it zing!
poster:Racer
thread:424369
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20041128/msgs/424369.html