Posted by antigua on December 7, 2004, at 8:29:50
In reply to OK, so what are we all going to do?, posted by Racer on December 4, 2004, at 14:18:19
This will be a long process. I'm going to tackle the first three questions today:
1. What do I really get out of this? What need am I filling by starving myself?
As I said before, starving myself is punishing myself, depriving myself of a basic need to be fed and nourished. I'm not deserving of feeding myself, to feel that good, full feeling. Must remind me of being a baby and not having needs met--probably wasn't fed regularly and was hungry so it's a familiar feeling (I was hungry a lot as a child, I do remember that!)It also has a sexual connotation for me, in terms of feelings.When I binge, it's trying to fill myself up as fast as possible, w/anything, to fill the emptiness (also has to do w/the need to discharge the bad tasting stuff from my mouth.)
I vacillate back and forth between the two--mostly now it's starving myself, but when does a pattern become a pattern? Binging is always an option, no matter how many years go by (except it's a health issue as I get older)2. What will be left when I "recover"? Who will I be? What will take its place? Starving myself and now going through recovery have taken up a lot of my time for the past year and a half. When I'm not spending half my time on these, what will I do with all that time?
I will be a happy, happy woman if it ever slips away forever. If I obsess about food, I know i'm in trouble w/something else. As I resolve my csa issues the needs lessen.
3. Somehow, starving myself seems as if it's comforting me, taking care of me, and punishing someone else. That's obviously distorted, right? And eating, somehow, seems as if it's punishing me. How do such incredible distortions arise? Why would something like that start to seem real? And who else understands that?
For me, starving is punishing me, and not anyone else (remember I said that other people like me thinner--my husband especially. I just laugh!). Starving myself does provide some sort of sadistic, sexual comfort to me, but then I'm pretty wierd (can't believe I admitted that here!). Starving myself makes me more aware of my body. That said, being fat makes me hate my body and sometimes that's a safer place to be. Putting on weight is a protection against sexual advances, makes me not noticeable, I'm not pretty, or desireable.
How's that for a start?
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:424369
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20041128/msgs/425650.html