Posted by Racer on September 3, 2006, at 13:39:30
Maybe that's one way to attack this whole thing: where do the expectations come from? Which are distortions? Et cetera?
In my case, having emotions is one of those things -- only "approved" emotions, which of course means very mild, hardly noticeable. The fewer emotions I have, the closer I come to being Acceptable. (I remember the morning after having a miscarriage, my mother telling me -- with great approval -- how well I was handling it. Why? Because I hadn't shown anything.) That, I guess, is proof of WASPishness, huh?
Intellect was the goal, and Knowledge was the currency. Sorry, guys, I really can't remember the order of the Great Battles of the Revolutionary War, nor the names of the Twelve Caesars in order. Guess I fail at that one. That's one even I know I will always fail in. There is no way to know "enough" to win the Intellectual Sweepstakes. I can almost make up for it in trivia, but that only takes you so far.
And, really, Mom got her back up if I knew things she thought she was clever for knowing. She mentioned something once about Madame Necker having a cask built for her body, and I said, "Yeah, it was big enough for three -- herself, her husband, and their daughter Madame de Stael..." Mom got upset, asking how dare I know that, when she had only recently discovered it herself? lol I guess I was only supposed to be her audience.
But that's not because she's bad. That's only because she's also so insecure she needs to have more of The Currency than I do, to make sure she's still OK herself.
Some people pass on the good china, or the family silver? We pass on the family neuroses...
Body? Don't even get me started! Genu valgum, guess I can't leave the house, I'll never be Right Enough. I'll never be attractive enough, because I've got crooked legs. I'm fat. My boobs are too big. My arms are too short. My nose is too big. My hair is too thin. (My hair is too GREY, dammit!)
But you know what? I'm kind. I try, in social situations, to make everyone around me feel OK, to be encouraging to others. I make a huge effort NEVER to say things that would make others feel bad about themselves. I hardly ever abuse pussycats. (Well, depends on your perspective: I know two cats who'd say I abuse them daily...) I'm generous. I try hard.
So, why aren't I ever Good Enough? Why can't I see the "Generous, Kind, Somewhat Informed" part as being worthwhile? Why is it only that I'm not smart enough, haven't done enough with the smarts I do have, too fat, and funny looking? Where did all that come from?
I know it's not real -- I walk down the street and see thin women, and that tells me I'm too fat and need to lose weight. But then I walk down that same street, and the heavy women also tell me that I need to lose weight, because I'm too fat. It's internal, and I know that. And I look at myself in the mirror now and again, and know that it's not being fat so much as lumpy, and that that's my build. And I look around me, and know that getting straight As doesn't mean a damn thing. I know that I know more than most of the people around me -- and *that* makes me feel self-conscious, too! "Something must be wrong with me, that I know these things when no one else does..." The deficit is internal, not external.
I dunno...
Anyone else?
poster:Racer
thread:682714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/682714.html