Posted by Racer on September 3, 2006, at 17:41:20
In reply to Re: Where do these expectations come from? » Racer, posted by Dinah on September 3, 2006, at 15:24:41
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> Might it be helpful to view the thoughts as intrusive obsessions?I don't know if it makes much difference thinking of them this way, but that's sure a part of it. I do get intrusive thoughts, and they are generally obsessive criticisms of myself. Sux to be me, huh?
Theme for today is "Expectations" in a big way. While driving around, trying to find pomegranate juice (don't ask), my husband and I talked about some of this. (It upsets him when I cry. I try to tell him it's better that I DO cry, because it helps get some of it out, but he still gets upset and wants me to stop. And I try not to cry around him, because of it.) He said something about "having dreams and aspirations" for me, and I nearly broke down -- nearly pulled off the highway to have him drive, it was so awful -- because all I could think was that I'd disappoint him.
One thing that I hadn't thought of, though, did come out and I hope I'll hold on to it until my next session. The one and only time I could rely on my mother to offer all the motherly things was when I was depressed, showing self-loathing, upset that I had failed again. If things were going well, she could be vicious -- out of her own pain, not out of malice -- but if I was crying and hating myself and not wanting to live, well, then she would try. Guess she trained me, in one sense, if that makes sense. She was sympathetic, if I failed. I see now that she was also satisfied, in a way, that things were OK, I wouldn't "leave her," or outgrow her, or something. That I'd still need her.
Then again, she's also the one who told me throughout my childhood that I was "too needy," so I guess psychopathology didn't appear fully formed from my forehead, huh?
Thanks, Dinah. I know this is obsessional, and that it can be addressed. We do address it in therapy. (Sometimes I think I shouldn't ever let anyone know who my T is, because they'll think she's no good -- when it's just that I'm not fighting it all hard enough. She is good, she does push me in these directions, but she also doesn't always push when I'm not there, if you know what I mean. I *think* I know what I mean...)
Anyway, thanks.
poster:Racer
thread:682714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/682775.html