Posted by Racer on September 4, 2006, at 19:45:31
This whole approval/Good Enough/etc thing has been a big topic in my life lately, and my husband just walked by and said something like, "If you need approval so much, why don't you try to get it from me?"
Good question, huh?
I've got a lot of thoughts in my head about it, but I don't think I have any real idea of the problem.
One thing is that I only seem to "need" the approval of people if I know I can't get it. It's obviously not as conscious as that sounds, but that seems to be the trend. No! It's Authority figures. Dang, guess I'll tell him that. And bring it up in therapy...
But it still comes back to this for me: what keeps me from taking in the positives I get? My husband says he approves of me. My T doesn't seem to disapprove of me. My math instructor emailed me my grade and included a note saying she was glad I was in her class again this term. GG doesn't think I'm a complete loser. Etc. (My cat doesn't approve of me much lately, though... That might explain my difficulty sleeping lately -- cat rejection anxiety...)
And in parts of my life, I don't have as much anxiety about being perfect. Truly, there are parts of my life that I move through with confidence. I can't name them off the top of my head, but they do exist. I feel pretty confident of my ability to communicate most of the time, and I feel pretty competent responding to people here on these boards. (And on the sewing and knitting boards...) I give good email... I know I communicate well in writing, and that includes essay type writing. (Although I promised myself 20 years ago that I would NEVER AGAIN take any composition courses...) I can convey information -- a/k/a teach -- well.
Maybe it's as simple as certain things taking me back to my childhood, and the deficits that involved. Kinda seems to be, in a lot of ways...
This is also coming up for me around my physical therapy right now. I'm having more pain than I was, and it's not normal "oooh, is this muscle sore" pain. It's "something's just not right" pain. But I can't call the doctor about it. I'm sitting here paralyzed by it, too -- I know that the doctor should probably be part of the decision about what to do next, but I can't call for an appointment. I'm hoping that when the PT sends his report, he'll include the increased pain, and she'll want ot see me before prescribing more sessions, so that I won't be the one to initiate contact, you know? It's OK if she wants to see me and reevaluate. It's not OK if I have to call her, because then I'm whinging, I'm asking for magic, I'm a hypochondriac, etc. It's Approval from an Authority Figure again...
Ugh. And don't remind me, but I've got an appointemtn coming up with a new psychopharmacologist soon... Scary...
poster:Racer
thread:683124
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/683124.html