Posted by Racer on September 11, 2006, at 13:39:06
Seriously -- I realized last night that, despite not getting anything done the past few weeks, and being depressed, and having my intrusive thoughts that really mess with my mind and my view of myself, I don't actually feel that bad about myself.
In fact, I feel pretty good, overall, about myself.
I do a lot of things well, and I've got a lot of good qualities that I not only value in other people, but also manage to value in myself.
So self-esteem isn't really the problem...
I haven't quite identified the problem, beyond the general outlines. I guess that's the next step.
Some of it is certainly self-consiousness that comes from voices from my past. That's where I get to saying nasty things to myself -- like in the beginning of this post, where I was saying, "Sheesh, how selfish and self centered you are! All those sentences starting with 'I'!" Uh, Racer? You're writing about your own self image and self esteem. Doesn't it seem reasonable that those subjects would involve a lot of sentences with "I" as the subject?
A lot of it, still, is that intrusive thought/PTSD stuff from The Agency From Hell. I still shut down when I start to get upset about something, with that sense of being trapped that I used to get there. The Therapist Without A Clue used to put me in a little room, where I was backed into a tiny corner, with her desk on one side and a counter with a lot of plants on the other -- plants hanging over the counter, so I felt as though they were right on top of me -- and she was very much between me and the door. I felt very trapped in that room, and it set off a problem where I started to sit IN chairs -- feet on the seat, in as small a space as I could get, knees in front of my chest, elbows pressed against thighs -- and needed to make myself smaller and hold myself in ever tighter control. Thus, my relapse into AN. And the control thing is still a major issue. She would talk over me, and if I tried to say that I was upset or angry about anything, she'd tell me that was a sign of my psychopathology, that I had a personality disorder, and that I had to "get myself under control."
So, of course, I did. By controlling my eating, and my activity, I managed to control my expression of my moods. Now, though, my weight is up so far, I feel totally out of control, weak, all sorts of terrible things -- including what would be anger if I didn't shut myself down so far.
So, general outlines are basically coming from my past, and from other people. (Of course, I'm also doing the "oh, that's abdicating responsibility, which is a sign of psychopathology and disordered personality" and so on... Another thing I'm trying to work on with my T...)
And there's a ton of anxiety involved in all this, which is all wrapped up in the OCD end of the spectrum, and that leads to intrusive, obsessive thoughts that lead to wondering if this or that or the next thing is a sign of a personality disorder, etc. That's my big intrusive thought: "OMG! Maybe she was right! Maybe I do have a personality disorder!" No matter that my T says not, that my husband read all the criteria for ALL the PDs and says none fit me, that GG has told me I don't, etc. Someone whom I had and have no respect for, someone I think is living in a bit of a fantasy where she is the Angel of Enlightenment for her clients, someone I don't think is even competent says something -- and I give it more weight than I do to all sorts of people I have much more trust and respect for. Heck, I have read through all the criteria for the PDs, and I do recognize some of them that fit me -- ALL in the Cluster C, so not even in the right cluster -- and know that I don't meet all the criteria for any of them, and that most of the criteria I do meet are more from an Axis I disorder -- Anxiety/OCD -- than from anything on Axis II. (And most of the criteria that do fit are state-related, from starvation.)
So, my self esteem is pretty good. Anxiety is a major problem, though. And I do have that "I have to be perfect" thing going on, but that's still not so much self-esteem, as having to do with approval from others. Not so much, I don't think, that I need others to approve so I can approve. I think, although I could be wrong, that it's about staying safe from others, by being Good Enough.
Does that make sense?
And, since I've posted this and it's all about me, does anyone else here find anything in this resonating for you?
poster:Racer
thread:685043
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/685043.html