Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 13:35:33
In reply to Re: How will I cope when Hammy dies? » Deneb, posted by JenStar on June 10, 2005, at 19:22:27
hi Deneb,
it's weird, but sometimes I worry about people I love dying. I think about it a lot, even when they're not sick or ailing. When I was a little girl, it started. I remember crying one day in kindergarten, crying frantically on the playground. All I could think about was maybe that my mom & dad had died while I was at school. I was desolate, unconsolable. But I knew it was "weird" so I lied & told the monitor that I was sad b/c some kids made fun of me. I used to have recurrent fears about losing my parents.Now that I'm "grown up" and married, I STILL worry about this. I worry about my parents dying; I worry about how I'll react; I worry about losing my husband. I think that if I lose these people, I will go crazy. I will become homeless and live in the streets, a crazy woman, eating from trash bins and sleeping on benches.
I mean, I don't REALLY think that will happen. But so much of my lfe and well being and esteem is tied up in the people I love. I so much fear losing them.
So it was kind of hollow that I told you not to grieve too soon. I do it ALL the time. And I wish I could stop! I know I'M wasting time by doing it, but it doesn't seem to be somethign I can control all that often.
I mean, I function and I live my life and I get stuff done. I have fun. I seem normal. But inside, I'm a seething basket of all kinds of worries. Maybe I need to consider something besides Lexapro??
Oh well.
JenStar
poster:JenStar
thread:510974
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20041230/msgs/511504.html