Posted by crushedout on March 6, 2004, at 16:24:07
So, lately, virtually everyone in my life whom I talk to about my T is telling me I should stop seeing her. Now, I know that they want what's best for me and they think that my T has at best shown bad judgment and at worst is manipulating me to feed her own ego. My belief is that she's made a few errors because she believes in honesty (which is something I respect a lot) and because she cares about me, but sometimes, of course, I'm not sure whether to trust my instincts entirely since I know they may be influenced by my feelings of love toward her. But despite my doubts, I basically trust her (and I basically trust my judgment of people in general) and I don't want to leave her because I think that would be an enormous waste of an opportunity, given the bond we've developed between us, the fact that I think she's an incredibly talented therapist, and the amount she has already helped me in my life.
One problem I have with her is that I almost never can feel angry toward her. I have to figure out why that is. I don't generally have problems denying feelings of anger toward people -- I'm actually pretty good at feeling and recognizing anger (maybe not so good at controlling it or expressing it productively). But anyway, she thinks I'm suppressing all kinds of anger toward her and while I keep trying to come up with reasons to be angry, I just don't *feel* angry (most of the time).
On Thursday, she basically suggested that I was creating a situation where I was making other people in my life (i.e., my friends with whom I discuss my relationship with her) get angry toward her, and then I was telling her about it, rather than just telling her I was angry at her. Like, I'm externalizing my anger because I can't own it myself or something. I said I really didn't think I was doing that, and she said, "I absolutely believe that you're not doing it INTENTIONALLY."
Okay, now I'm furious at her (finally, at least). First of all, that last statement makes it impossible for me to argue with her, because basically she's telling me I'm suffering from false consciousness and it feels extremely condescending. Furthermore, the whole thing is self-serving because it excludes the possibility that the FACTS MAY SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. I.e., she's done some things that -- even if they weren't meant to be harmful -- were at best highly unconventional and at worst big mistakes. It's not my way of filtering them to the outside world that is making people angry at her or think I should leave her.
I'd love any of your thoughts, especially since you guys have sort of been one set of the people who hear "the facts" and then often suggest that I stop seeing her or that she might be doing something sketchy. Does what she's telling me sound like it could have any truth to it? Why does it make me feel so invalidated?
poster:crushedout
thread:321200
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040303/msgs/321200.html