Posted by crushedout on March 6, 2004, at 23:14:01
In reply to Re: Feeling invalidated, angry, confused (kinda long), posted by Rigby on March 6, 2004, at 22:55:50
Thanks for the feedback, Rigby. But when have I ever slammed her? I don't think I have. Also, I'm not mad at her for crossing boundaries (although I probably should be and maybe I am unconsciously, I dunno) -- I'm just mad at her for this condescending b.s. that she gave me last time I saw her.
I don't think I've told people about what she's doing because I'm *mad* at her for it and I need them to get mad at her for me because I can't be mad. I think I've done it because a part of me has been *concerned* for myself, wondering if what she's doing is kosher, and because I've want her to cross boundaries, I don't trust that I'll protect myself on my own. Maybe a small piece of it is anger but I think most of it is wanting to keep myself in check, out of danger. And folks (like you, for example, Rigby) have sometimes gotten mad at her when you've heard the "facts" -- but not because I've *manipulated* you into getting mad at her. But because what she's done has been sketchy. She's set this up so it looks like *your* anger is coming from *my* pathology rather than *her* actions. And there's no way I can talk her out of it because my manipulation is all unconscious so I can't even deny it. You see what I mean? You see the bind she's put me in?
Do you disagree and still think what she's doing is good for me? I think it's a way for her to avoid taking responsbility, which is understandable, since admitting that maybe she's been stringing me along or hurting me in some other unnecessary way would make her feel like a jerk.
> I think she makes some sense. She probably wants you to get mad b/c there's transference and she wants you to work through your anger and understand it through your dynamic with her.
>
> You are on the one hand angry at her for what she did but, on the other, all you ever wanted was for her to what she did--which was to cross boundaries. You slam her and you defend her. You want to fire her. And you're in love with her. All in all it sounds intense, conflicted and probably a dynamic worth looking at which it sounds like she's precisely trying to do with you.
>
> At least your focus and hers' are on you and to me that sounds like progress.
>
> > So, lately, virtually everyone in my life whom I talk to about my T is telling me I should stop seeing her. Now, I know that they want what's best for me and they think that my T has at best shown bad judgment and at worst is manipulating me to feed her own ego. My belief is that she's made a few errors because she believes in honesty (which is something I respect a lot) and because she cares about me, but sometimes, of course, I'm not sure whether to trust my instincts entirely since I know they may be influenced by my feelings of love toward her. But despite my doubts, I basically trust her (and I basically trust my judgment of people in general) and I don't want to leave her because I think that would be an enormous waste of an opportunity, given the bond we've developed between us, the fact that I think she's an incredibly talented therapist, and the amount she has already helped me in my life.
> >
> > One problem I have with her is that I almost never can feel angry toward her. I have to figure out why that is. I don't generally have problems denying feelings of anger toward people -- I'm actually pretty good at feeling and recognizing anger (maybe not so good at controlling it or expressing it productively). But anyway, she thinks I'm suppressing all kinds of anger toward her and while I keep trying to come up with reasons to be angry, I just don't *feel* angry (most of the time).
> >
> > On Thursday, she basically suggested that I was creating a situation where I was making other people in my life (i.e., my friends with whom I discuss my relationship with her) get angry toward her, and then I was telling her about it, rather than just telling her I was angry at her. Like, I'm externalizing my anger because I can't own it myself or something. I said I really didn't think I was doing that, and she said, "I absolutely believe that you're not doing it INTENTIONALLY."
> >
> > Okay, now I'm furious at her (finally, at least). First of all, that last statement makes it impossible for me to argue with her, because basically she's telling me I'm suffering from false consciousness and it feels extremely condescending. Furthermore, the whole thing is self-serving because it excludes the possibility that the FACTS MAY SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. I.e., she's done some things that -- even if they weren't meant to be harmful -- were at best highly unconventional and at worst big mistakes. It's not my way of filtering them to the outside world that is making people angry at her or think I should leave her.
> >
> > I'd love any of your thoughts, especially since you guys have sort of been one set of the people who hear "the facts" and then often suggest that I stop seeing her or that she might be doing something sketchy. Does what she's telling me sound like it could have any truth to it? Why does it make me feel so invalidated?
>
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poster:crushedout
thread:321200
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040303/msgs/321443.html