Posted by Angel Girl on May 21, 2004, at 11:42:22
In reply to Re: shared experiences....thanx, posted by B2chica on May 19, 2004, at 10:14:02
B2c
I've stopped talking completely to other ppl (outside of PB or friends that I met here) about my problems. I just don't want to hear what they have to say anymore. They don't understand and never will unless they experience it themselves, and I don't wish it on anybody. I just tell everybody that I'm 'fine', that's all people really want for an answer anyway. It's such a superficial question.
I do take a number of drugs but I have a good drug plan from work so for me the cost is very minimal. If I didn't have that plan, I'd be royally screwed. I don't know what I would do. I've often thought about that. Maybe the government pays??? I have no idea. I just know I wouldn't be able to continue taking them if I had to pay for them myself. Waaaaaay too expensive and then what would I do without them? I don't think I could exist without them. I think I'd end up being suicidal again.
I completely understand having to discuss the betrayal you've experienced from your friends in therapy. I will have to too, when I find a therapist. I've had some very horrible things said to me, especially when I was attempting suicide. They're angered words are still engrossed in my memory. I too have major trust issues and find that women can be so catty and I experience too many problems trying to relate to them and hold onto friendships. In high school all my friends were male. It was much better. I know far too well about that revolving door and how much it hurts. That's why it's much better to have male friends than female or to have no friends, which is what I've got now, other than internet friends. What is IRL?
A very huge problem for me is that I absolutely HATE myself, have no self-esteem or self-worth whatsoever and guilt is a major issue for me. I think if I could discover 'who' I really am and resolve the above issues, then 'maybe' some of my other issues will iron themselves out.
I don't have mania anymore. Once on mood stabilizers that stopped. Prior to that I was rapid cycling about 30 times a day. I couldn't handle it. It was a very horrible and painful time for me trying to endure it.
I suffer from depression almost every day. Some days better/worse than others. I don't even know what it is like to feel happy or joy anymore or even 'normal' for that matter. Can't remember the last time I felt that or even if I ever did. All I know is how unhappy I am and that I'm just existing and not living. I'm going through the motions like a zombie and nothing more. I feel that I don't fit anywhere in this world.
I am seriously contemplating getting a 2nd opinion before my pdoc adds more meds into my regimine. I'm not sure the ones she is contemplating are really what is best for me. I think they would have the opposite effect of what I need. I think I will contact the pdoc I've met before at the Center for Mental Health and Addiction for another 2nd opinion. He was extremely good and actually is also a professor for the leading university here for psychiatry. I've really lucked out in being sent to him before.
I've started to journal but because I'm not used to doing it, I tend to forget about it, ie: the last 2 days. Unfortunately at this point I have absolutely no recollection of the day before last. I have no idea what transpired that day. I guess that's another reason why I should journal and make a point of not forgetting to do it every day. I find my memory is just horrible now. I forget whether I've taken my meds, I forget the way to get to doctor's offices, where I put things, the date, the day of the week and even what month we are in. Just about a month ago, I thought it was November. I even forget about phone calls that apparently transpired and the person who I have supposedly talked to is ticked off at me because I didn't come when I was supposed to. Well, how was I supposed to know I was to get there if I don't even recall the phone call? I've also felt that phone calls have transpired that felt so real to me that apparently never happened at all. I think I'm losing reality now. I don't know what is or what isn't. I get everything confused.
I'm glad that you have found a way to accept yourself and all that goes along with it. It must be easier to deal with your problems that way. I've lost my sense of self along the way and I loathe the person that I have become and think there is an entirely different person on the inside of me trying to find her way out but doesn't know how. I think the outside will have to be pealed back in layers to get to my core and to discover who "I" am. I've wasted so many years and that in itself is sooooo depressing. I feel that I've wasted the best years of my life and I can't get them back. You can only move forward from where we are now. You can't reclaim what you've already lost except maybe the real us but not the time we've lost. It's so sad that I've let it go on for so long without getting the help that I've needed. That in itself makes me more depressed. :(
I hope you're having a good day today.
Angel Girl
poster:Angel Girl
thread:344489
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040512/msgs/349235.html