Posted by Dinah on July 23, 2004, at 10:51:05
In reply to Re: Matt DDS? Other CBT'ers?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 23, 2004, at 8:32:33
The old sticks and stones can break my bones theory? :) I never put much faith in that at all. I remember times wishing that people would throw sticks and stones rather than the words.
But, ok, I'll remove the physical component from my example. Say my husband came home and told me I was a fat ugly cow, I was terrible in bed, and he wanted a divorce. Previously I had considered our relationship just fine and I trust my husband implicitly. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to feel hurt and angry and betrayed. Nor would I think that my reaction had anything to do with hidden psychic wounds or anything of the sort. If my husband had made other choices, I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel. Is he responsible for my feelings? He'd better accept some responsibility for it. And I'm not going to accept too much responsibility for it, because I think I'd be a very unnatural sort of person if I just smiled and said ok and didn't feel any sort of hurt when someone else is being hurtful.
Now I could choose to hang on to those feelings long after the event and justify clinging to them to avoid being hurt in the future. That part might be my responsibility. And I'll admit that in any given situation there is my stuff and someone else's stuff and it's wise of me to figure out what my part is.
But.... We were intended by God or evolution to be affiliative creatures. Being affected by the words and actions of others serves a function both for society and for individuals. To say that everyone is responsible for their own feelings is a sociopath's dream. "Hey! It's not my fault! You shouldn't allow yourself to feel that way!" A smoothly functioning society is one in which the members recognize the impact of their words and behavior on others, and act accordingly.
Sometimes my therapist gets angry and when I comment on it he says "You didn't make me angry. My anger is my own responsibility." And I'll say "Of course I made you angry. I'm being maddening. You'd have to be a stone figurine not to be angry." And sometimes when he gets angry and I comment on it he's honest. "Yes, I'm angry. You're being absolutely maddening. You reject everything I offer with Yes, But....'s. I'm angry but our relationship isn't in any jeopardy and we'll work through this." I kind of prefer the latter...
poster:Dinah
thread:368717
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040723/msgs/369391.html