Posted by vwoolf on October 7, 2004, at 14:48:59
In reply to Re: The Point of therapy, posted by sunny10 on October 7, 2004, at 8:49:03
Sunny10
Thanks for the long, thoughtful post. Yes, confrontation is very difficult. I have also started saying “no”, in a limited way, but it is exhausting work.
My situation is pretty crazy. On the one hand I am efficient at work where I am creative, assertive, successful on an international level in a feminist type environment. On the other I live through what sometimes seems like a completely traditional marriage - I produce three course meals every night, keep the house functioning, look after our child, take books back to the library etc etc etc etc. On a further hand I act as a geisha to my husband - I trim his toenails, accompany him to brothels and take part in the entanglements with the woman he selects for the evening (I hope Dr Bob admires my restraint in use of language), and occasionally get involved sexually with his male friends on his instigation. I have been perfect on all fronts. Btw, I was incestually abused by my father as a child and have huge difficulties with boundaries.
Lately I have found that I simply can’t handle the contradictions. I can’t bring friends home from work because they can’t understand how I can be so different. I can’t bear my husband’s conservative opinions around the role of the woman in the house, but feel that there is still some common ground with him. Like you I have started saying “no” to certain things, perhaps not the most obvious ones, but I find it so difficult to keep firm to that. A year ago I started to refuse to touch his toenails. Recently I have started refusing any sexual advances which is causing huge tension. I see my father’s face every time my husband turns to me in bed.
At the same time I have a very active sexual imagination and needs, and feel that I might be prepared to continue the sexual experimentation outside our marital bed but on my terms, not his. I have also begun to dream of a lesbian relationship - a place where I can find understanding, companionship, on a non-abusive, equal basis. This is probably also an illusion??
I realize that my experience is not a common one, and that few contributors here will be able to identify fully with my life. It is very split with huge contradictions. I think that at the moment I am using therapy to rest because so much else is happening inside me. Hospital doesn’t feel like an option this evening, but that may change by tomorrow morning. My T rules it out altogether, but I have spent time in hospital before and found it incredibly peaceful. Sometimes I wish for that kind of peace again. With no pressure on an everyday level. To just sit and twiddle my thumbs.
Oh, dear. I do hope I haven’t offended you with my post. You will understand that these are things I can’t say anywhere except in therapy or anonymously like here. I feel totally alone in my life at the moment. Directionless. And so I play solitaire…………
I understand how difficult it must be for you to say “no”. We seem to be brought up to be such good little girls, who will always do their best and never rebel or ask for anything for themselves. Until one day….I sometimes wonder where it will stop once we start saying no. A few days ago I talked to my husband about what I was going through. He is not a fool (even though he is a university lecturer), and at the end he asked, quite sadly, will you still want to be with me at the end of your therapy. I had to be honest. I told him I didn’t know.
A warm hug (purely platonic, I promise)
poster:vwoolf
thread:399630
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/400032.html