Posted by Rigby on October 27, 2004, at 11:51:37
In reply to I think I misunderstood » Rigby, posted by Dinah on October 27, 2004, at 9:22:49
Hi Dinah,
This is *so* insightful. Thank you.
I think that it's a really good point--that we're all doomed to screw up and we just hope that the other person will forgive us.
I also think that it's a great point that a screw up can be used as a way to get out, too.
*And* I think in my case it's some of both. I think my therapist is not all that bad, I think she screwed up and I think, although not at ALL consciously at the time, that I needed to get away for a while.
It's been incredibly interesting feeling that I'm not in therapy right now. It's like I've ripped the training wheels off the bike and am seeing how I can do on my own. I picked a *lousy* time to do so but maybe, subconsciously, for whatever reason, it was the best time.
I've had so many freer thoughts or something. I've not felt as scared to consider making some major changes in my life.
I don't know exactly what's happening with this process. All I know is that it feels right. And if I had to guess I'd say it's less about therapist issues and possibly more about me and moving on in my life.
Like I think maybe I used therapy as a crutch--if I talked about my conflicts in therapy I wouldn't have to *do* anything about them. I could talk about my bad past but possibly not have to deal with the players in it. Now I feel a little like, "Enough talking--start living."
Phew. Anyway, your message struck a real chord--thank you so much for it.
> I thought this was part of an ongoing pattern. Was it an isolated incident?
>
> Nearly everyone I have an intimate relationship has said something grossly insensitive from time to time. And not infrequently they lack the perceptiveness to see how grossly insensitive they were. And I've probably done the same to them. If I were to end a relationship for isolated or infrequent acts of gross insensitivity, I wouldn't have any relationships at all. It's my personal philosophy that we are all doomed to hurt and disappoint the people we care about, and that we're all doomed to do it more than once and in the same way. And that the only way to build a transcendent relationship is to accept that unfortunate fact.
>
> On the other hand, focussing on a moment of gross insensitivity is often a great way to motivate myself to get out of a relationship that has outlived it's usefulness or that really wasn't that good to begin with.
>
> So if this is a pattern, I can see that you would come to the conclusion that this wasn't a good relationship to be in. If this was an isolated event, it might be profitable to review the relationship as a whole.
poster:Rigby
thread:405935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/407898.html