Posted by lifeworthliving on November 1, 2004, at 21:03:39
i tried this a few weeks ago and got no response. hoping someone reading now can help me figure this out. been in therapy for two and a half years. been polite crier most of that time and laying down almost always as sitting up is too uncomfortable, my head seems impossibly heavy. most of time in therapy i was sorting/sifting and talking about csa in a disconnected sort of way. painful but enough distance to allow myself twice a week visits without falling completely apart. have always loved my therapist tremendously but haven't always let on just how difficult it is for me... the longing for her feels incredibly juvenile and is so hard to deal with. and then to come home and have to mother my own would make it so much more painful. i can't tell you how many nights i went to bed and hoped i wouldn't wake up in the morning. it seemed like none of the childhood issues mattered like the longing i had for my therapist.the only reason i went to therapy was to be with her... and the suffering i had to endure was payment, i guess. she always told me that if i just kept showing up it (therapy)would work even though i didn't always know or believe i was going for the right reasons. starting around visit number 65 things start happening that scare the doo doo out of me (left bad marriage, got a divorce, excelled in college, more confident, etc) but my life is improving dramatically. she had always encouraged me to 'really feel" but i'm never quite sure what she meant. break down and really sob? i never thought i would or could do that i her office and i figured it didn't mattered (if she ever saw that because therapy seemed to be working)and i figured therapy was coming to an end. but she never mentions that we are close to ending (as she promised she would when the time came). so a few weeks ago she encourages me to remain upright when i want to lay down really bad. a few minutes later i swear i felt possessed by something so powerful that i thought i had to be pscyhotic or similar. i really felt it and started to yell for her to help me and someother things about it hurting me. i had the sensation of hands on my chest, etc. i was able to watch but was also experiencing something very real. it really scared me and i was quite afterward for a very long time. she finally said "you did it" but never told me what it was. anybody here have any idea? she really doesn't like to label anything and sometimes that drives me nuts. she did call it a breakthrough later. what does she mean? it didn't scare her at all. i just know that i get into her office the last few weeks and my breathing gets real funny and since i can't lay down anymore to control it it sems to take over and i live in these memories for a while. she asks me to keep reporting to her, what i see etc. i've been less afraid the last two weeks but i do shake before i get into her office. i used to be able to show 5 minutes early but i can't do that anymore. i walk laps around the building until the absolute last minute because i don't want to panic. i can control it up to a certain point but sitting there and letting it grow while i wait for her isn't helpful. does anybody know what this is? they are painful times but have a very constructive feel. i've been leaving feeling mostly ok. any help here?
poster:lifeworthliving
thread:410361
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/410361.html